Encouragement and discouragement (another night at youth group!)

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Having thought I'd made good progress at the last youth group I was looking forward to going again on Friday. I wasn't even put off by the idea that I'd have to be there for the whole hour and a half meal part because Cedric and Laetitia were dropping me off before going onto a soiree with some friends.

When I arrived laden with a mountain of sandwiches and a tarte flambee, which we'd received from the Banc Alimentaire, hardly anyone was there except Vincent, the youth leader and a few other boys. In those kind of situations I never know whether to do the whole bisous thing but seeing as neither of them approached me to do it I decided to leave it. But I still felt a bit awkward, wondering if they'd think me rude and that was the last thing I wanted after trying to make a good impression.

I was forced to wait a whole twenty minutes in that awkward situation until some other girls arrived. No one spoke to me except Vincent to ask about my week and to that question I just replied 'Ca va'. I kicked myself afterwards, thinking what a boring and unsociable person I must come across as. It's no wonder that no one talks to me.

When a few of the girls arrived I tried to make conversation with one of them, Salome, the one who does Sunday school with me. And unlike other times she actually seemed willing to return the effort at conversation and asked me about my week and what I'd done. I replied that I'd been at the school and I was in the middle of thinking what else I could say when she just walked off! Clearly conversation with me isn't interesting enough.

I was disappointed when I realized that not all the youth group would be eating together and the only girls that were there were the popular 'in-crowd' ones and probably wouldn't bother to speak to me. I tend to talk to the American girl, Olivia (not just in English) and a pair of twins who remind me of some twins I know back home and who are absolutely lovely.

When I found myself sitting right at the end of the table next to Salome, the girl who can't be bothered to speak to me and opposite a girl called Stella, the Pastor's daughter, whose so pretty it makes me sick, I was even more disappointed. My hopes of spending a great time at youth group were quickly dissolving. I braced myself for an awkward and silent time at the table. When someone commented on the pile of sandwiches I'd brought I thought it was a perfect moment for me to speak and inform everyone that I do have a voice, so I explained that we'd been given them and a whole load of other food from the Banc Alimentaire but my words were quickly drowned out by the resumed conversations around me and I got the feeling no one was really interested in what I, the foreign girl had to say. So I sat down, defeated. So much for making progress.

My only other opportunity to talk came when Elizabeth, one of the girls came to my end of the table to pour herself a drink and asked me how my Christmas had been. I'd forgotten the typical shocked reaction when I explain I didn't go home for Christmas. I also told her that I hadn't spoken to my Mum in nearly a month because we didn't have a phone or internet. "Wow, Katie, t'es forte (you're strong)" was her response ("or heartless" I wanted to add). It's true that the last time I spoke to any of my family was on Christmas Day and surprisingly I didn't miss them too much, or so I thought.

After the painful meal part was over the rest of the group arrived. We gathered in a circle on the floor (apparently we're still too young for chairs) ready for what they call 'Spi' time (Spiritual time). I hadn't thought to bring my Bible so it was difficult for me to follow. When Elizabeth offered to share her Bible with me and her boyfriend, I made up the excuse that I couldn't read in French. I realized what a huge lie that was afterwards but in truth, I just couldn't be bothered to lean over her minute Bible in an uncomfortable position and I'd have felt a bit awkward invading the couple's cosy Bible-reading position. So for the whole discussion (which seemed to go on forever) I sat there without a Bible, trying not to look too bored. I realize I must have looked like a very disinterested, disengaged Christian, not a good impression to give off to the group, especially as I am a most engaged and interested Christian who loves God.

Once the endless discussion, which I'd understood hardly any of (partly out of a lack of motivation to concentrate properly and partly because everyone was talking so fast),was over we gathered into groups of three to pray. I ended up with Elizabeth and Benjamin, Ok kind of people. My subjects for prayer were about my finances and my unmade decision to go home because of expense and also I added at the end, my integration into the youth group. I'm hoping the Holy Spirit will succeed where I've so hopelessly failed.

We were about to start praying for Elizabeth when Benjamin told me that there was something he really needed to tell me. (Understanding a French person when they've just been touched by the Holy Spirit is pretty difficult but here's what I understood). He'd felt God say to him that I often wonder why I came to France but that God has most certainly led me here; God has put different tests in front of me to make my faith stronger; 2012 is going to be the beginning of what God has for me - He's going to unlock me this year (when I heard this I was kind of thinking what has my year so far in France been if not the beginning? And I felt God say 'Oh no that was just the preparation part!) He went on to say that I might not be in front of the microphone in church or involved in the worship band but I've touched the lives of people around me just by being who I am. Everything is just a matter of trusting God and loving Him.

I told myself it was worth going to youth group that night just to hear that message. All my hopelessness and discouragement vanished and was replaced with excitement and happiness. I am no longer in any doubt of the amazing plans God has for my future.

Another good/happy piece of news that I heard that night was that Elizabeth is engaged - for some reason I gave her an uncharacteristic hug when I heard this - if it had been anyone else I probably wouldn't have been so forward but at least someone now knows that I can be extrovert when I want to be - I even let out a girly scream (like you hear in girly Hollywood movies).

Next on the itinerary that evening was galette! Galette is a pastry tart thing which French people eat after Christmas to celebrate the coming of the three Wise Men. Inside every galette is a little king or queen - whoever is lucky enough to get this in their slice of galette gets crowned the king or queen. I've eaten a ridiculous amount of galette, enough to make me feel sick every time I see some and I still haven't been crowned queen. I'm tempted to use my favourite childhood phrase - 'It's not fair!'

After everyone had finished munching on galette Vincent and his brother, Jeremie organised a rota of who would be doing what at youth group over the rest of the year. When my name got called out Jeremie scanned the room and turned to his brother and said I wasn't there - am I really that easy to not notice? Luckily Vincent had a better memory and a better eye but I still made my sentiments known by commenting in a raised voice that I'm not invisible. But the only person who seemed to have heard what I'd said was the boy sitting next to me and I felt him give me a strange look.

To conclude the evening someone set up their Wii so we could play Just Dance, a game which involves looking at a person on the screen and copying all their moves. To begin with I was a bit reluctant to have a go and make a fool of myself even though I was right at the back where no one could see me. It's hard to be yourself and let your hair down with a group of people you hardly know. But I soon got the hang of it and as the lights were all switched off I figured hardly anyone would see me anyway.

When I got voted to go up front to play with the control I was a bit nervous and felt awkward at suddenly being put in a vulnerable position where everyone could see me. I was up against Benjamin, the boy who had given me the prophesy and I felt like such an idiot when we ended having to dance to Hot Stuff. If only they knew what the song meant but I think the actions kind of gave that away. There came a part in the dance when we had to cross over. I ended up passing on the side next to the Wii which was perched high up on a stall. I must have passed too close and too quickly because my foot got caught in some wires and the whole thing came crashing down. The screen went black and the lights came on to investigate the damage. I've never felt like more of an idiot and there I was trying to make a good impression. I threw that idea out of the window right then and there. I could feel my face beginning to burn up after the exercise and embartassment and all I could do was pray that the ground would swallow me up. Why can't I ever attract attention to myself for good reasons?

But God is good and the machine wasn't broken. But after that Bridget Jones moment I concluded that the evening had been a bit of a disaster. And it got worse when I ended up having to stay until 11:30 (youth group is meant to finish at 10:30) before someone offered to give me a lift home. Vincent was meant to be taking me but he seemed too absorbed in the Wii game and had probably forgotten I existed.

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