Stay Home: A travel guide to Guatemala


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Published: January 7th 2007
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In early November I packed my car and said goodbye to my friends, my apartment and gainful employment in North Carolina to head out on the road. Homeless, jobless and equipped only with a vague agenda for the next six months, I did what any desperate traveller would: I flew to Hawaii. But a man can only take so much warm weather, leisure time and frozen drinks and three weeks later, longing for adversity, I flew home for the holidays and here I sit on Cape Cod. In the absense of any realistic plans I was eventually forced to do what I had been telling everybody that I was going to for months and I booked a ticket to Guatemala City. Since then I've spent my time planning and researching for this three month adventure.

Guatemala has a rich and diverse culture which, according to my preliminary research, seems to center predominently around a dynamic blend of violent crime, parasitic infections and various forms of dysentery. I hear there are also Mayan temples, of course, visiting the temples is not advised due to the detrimental cultural influences surrounding them.

A developing country, Guatemala is, in many areas, vulnerable to natural disasters as well as prone to crime and sub-standard sanitation. I have been warned by various sources* not to travel by car, by bus, after dark, south of the capital, on foot, by taxi, alone, by plane, in crowds, with valuables, in rural areas, in cities or by boat, not to drink the water, eat fresh fruit, fresh vegetables or from food vendors, talk to children, swim, hike, camp, touch plants, pet animals or have sex. For the rare activity that is not explicitly prohibited there is a favorite phrase among the travel writing set, namely, "excercise caution when . . ." This phrase is used when there is a particular danger that you will be unable to identify or prevent involved in an activity that is completely unavoidable. As in, "excercise caution when using restrooms due to a flesh eating virus common to local toilet seats." Ultimately, aside from a liberal application of bug spray and abstaining from stapling hundred dollar bills to one's sleeves the traveller has little recourse but to resign themselves to the probability of getting mugged, pick-pocketed, denguay or yellow fever, malaria, typhoid, Cholera, Hepatitis (A or B), hijacked, lynched, parasites, head and body lice, V.D., raped, killed, rabies, drowned, crushed by landslide, intestinal worms or all of the above.

There is certainly no shortage of literature on the subject to assist a traveller in Guatemala. It is, however, mildly disheartening that the majority of it is in the form of warnings. Here is a brief summary of some other valuable tips for travelling in Guatemala that I have compiled to help aid in your next excursion through Central America:

But Guatemala has so much more to offer than violent crime. There is plenty of non-violent crime as well. A skillful pickpocket may simply slash your pockets, and many theives prey upon the most altruistic of travellers by feigning illness and surreptitiously looting whoever comes to their aid. If you're lucky you might stroll about blissfully for hours before even noticing that you've been robbed.

Why, you may ask, would I want to travel thousands of miles to a place where crime is commonplace, natural disaster is abound and the very food and water are toxic when I could have simply driven to Cleveland? Well, it's simple really. Guatemala has a deeper and more meaningful appeal under the surface that can not be underestimated: it is extraordinarily inexpensive. Besides, how bad can it really be?

Did I mention that there are also scorpions, fire coral and active volcanos?


*Sources include Travax travel health report for Guatemala, The US Government travel website (travel.state.gov), The Rough Guide to Guatemala, Lonely Planet Guide to Guatemala, LonelyPlanet.com, The Environmental Protection Agency website (www.epa.gov) and the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention website (www.cdc.gov/travel). And, no, I'm not joking.

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8th January 2007

It's been a pleasure
Yes. It has indeed been a pleasure reading your first travel blog. Beyond that, however, based on what I've gleaned by reading it, it's highly likely that I'll never see you again (at least not in the same condition in which you're leaving) so I just want you to know that it has also been a pleasure being your mom, and I will miss you.
8th January 2007

Isthis TMI??
Hi Dan, I congratulate you on your mission - and promise to pray for your health and wellbeing daily until I see you again. Please keep me informed.
9th January 2007

Count me in.
Hi cousin. Karen passed this first entry onto me, knowing my growing impatience for post-collegiate adventure, lethal or otherwise. Count me into your travelog experience? mmb02@hampshire.edu
9th January 2007

Go Dan...be careful and give me a good tip on Spanish school. Please come back to Hawaii soon!
11th January 2007

Hahahaha
Hey buddy, I'll start saving a bit out of my paycheck every week so that when you're kidnapped, we'll have the beginnings of your ransom money. I'm sure your mom will kick in a bit, too. Safe travels, my friend.
13th January 2007

Glad I met ya!
Well, I'm glad I got to meet you at least once, since you in all liklihood, won't be returning :-). Seriously, though, from what I've been able to glean from meeting you and hearing about you from your mom, I do believe that you will be a wonderful catch for some lovely lady some day, so I hope for your sake (and the sake of your future wife) that you make a good friend soon after getting off the plane. Be safe. Please return.
16th January 2007

Gottadolla
Hey Dan, After reading your plug for the Guatemala Tourist Catelog, I couldn't help but come up with a possible new name for marketing purposes. Gottadolla sounds about right. Stay safe , watch your back, and keep taking antibiotics whether you need them or not.

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