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Published: December 31st 2009
Welcome to the Dude’s most fabulous escape from fear-mongering-Goebbelsesque-terror-propaganda, and arsch-kalt Winter!
So, four days prior to my departure for Central American Anarchy I was confronted with the usual gang of freedom haters trying to ruin my adventure... evidently, those enemies of democracy that hounded me on my Moroccan trip were up to their usual high jinks... You may be wondering what the hell I’m going on about(which would not be that unusual)... well, I’m talking about that Nigerian asshole who couldn’t even blow up a plane by lighting high powered explosives attached to his crotch and triggered by a syringe filled with a potent mixture of what I suspect to be cheese-wiz and used dish soap... obviously this Dude did not register for the full Al-Qaida terror course in Afghanistan but settled for the long distance learning courses offered through the web... anyway, thanks to his bombastic blunder I travelled from Mourrial to Charlotte, North Carolina, and then to San Jose, Costa Rica under the most absolutely retarded security measures ever invented by autistic kindergarten drop-outs...
It all began, with me having to show up 3 hours early for my flight after driving in my 500 dollar shit-box with bald summer tires in the middle of a fucking blizzard... once I arrived at the house of horrors known as the Pierre Elliot Trudeau International Airport of Montreal, I was bewildered to see a half dozen police cars blocking my triumphant exit from winter... but it only got weirder when I finally made my way in... there where at least 2 dozen of the aforementioned cops riding around the airport in “Smith & Wesson” mountain bikes(I shit you not!) and a half dozen Po-lice on custom-made Montreal Police Department Segways(look it up on google)... Is this supposed to somehow ward off terrorists? Or maybe they’re trying to make the mood so surreal that the terrorists will think that Allah is fucking with them?
Anywho, I then proceeded to wait about an hour and a half to check my bag in (which I will expound on in a moment) and then I went through three of the most uncomfortable searches I have ever had the displeasure of going through... because our Nigerian fuckwit had explosives hidden in his underwear I thrice had large men sticking their fingers down the rim of my pants in a circular motion in order to ascertain if I was not planning on blowing my load all over their obtrusive fingers... I then entered my US Airways flight (sub-leased from the CIA’ s not-so-extraordinary-rendition-program)... the flight to Charlotte was wholly uneventful (as is Charlotte itself) yet the new security measures were in place to make sure that we remembered that they hate us because of our freedom man!... the flight lasted about 3 hours but the fasten-your-seat-belt order was kept in effect till 10 minutes before we had an hour to land... at this point our friendly sadistic pilot told us that we had 10 minutes to: pee, shit, blow our noses, and prance around the aircraft in ladies hosiery in order to stave off lethal blood clots forming in our legs... then we had to sit the fuck down again because we had an hour left to land, and that apparently is the favourite time for evil-doers to do their thing... apparently Allah does not approve of the swift dispatching of hundreds of infidels if they had more than an hour left to reaching their final destination(don’t pardon the pun)... but the paranoid-fun doesn’t end there! Not only should you remain strapped down to your seat for the last hour but you cannot have a blanket on your lap, nor a laptop, nor a book, or even an erection for that matter!
But the kicker was in the plane ride from Charlotte to San Jose... I got into a heated debate with my San Franciscan seat-mate over where we were flying over... he thought we were skirting the Pacific coast whereas I thought we were flying over the Gulf of Mexico... I decided that we should wager a round of beers and then ask our friendly stewardess/disinformation officer where we were exactly... much to our amazement she told us that one of the infinite and mostly random security measures now in effect was to not inform passengers where we are at any given moment... because once again, this will completely bewilder the potential terrorist and lead him to just give up cause Allah is big on geographical acumen... Does this mean that pilots will now come on the intercom saying “Good evening ladies and gentleman, we are now cruising at 30 000 feet, or not... over on your left, you are not seeing the Grand Canyon, and in a few short minutes you will not be flying over the Hoover Dam... enjoy your flight and thank you for choosing Clueless Airways!” So, after the stewardess told us that we were asking questions which may jeopardize national security we decided to switch our order to whiskey... doubles straight up... and while we’re at it lets drink to white people feeling insecure!
I arrived in Costa Rica, on time, and smiling, as the late afternoon sun was slowly fading over the mountainous valleys of San Jose... unfortunately my checked luggage was NOT on time... and as of yet, it has not deigned to join me in Costa Rica... I didn’t dare ask the US Airways staff where my bag might be for fear of asking yet another question which may endanger the lives of countless freedom loving Americans proud of being without health insurance or any clue of how to fight a war on terror... here’s a hint: the terror comes from within!
And so, I am now stranded in San Jose with dirty underwear, stinking socks, and a bus ticket for Nicaragua which may go unused due to general apathy and gross incompetence(for once not my own)... but I take solace in the fact that although I may be stuck without a clue as to how I will continue my trip, I AM IN FUCKING COSTA RICA MAN... and most of you are freezing your asses off in countries I rather visit after the apocalypse...
More news, as soon as I have something worth saying... and if not, I might make something up...
Carlito In Limbo
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