How Sad Nothing portrays the decline of Western civilization like a picture of a dilapidated basketball hoop. Some day we'll have to get together and compare collections. Man will that be fun.
You Blew It, Man! You seriously missed a chance to drink yourself stupid in Lawrence--a college town oasis on the Plains. For that matter, Manhattan isn't too bad either, if you can navigate up to the area around Kansas State.
And since I'm now stationed at Fort Riley, I would have loved a chance to show you around the "finer" parts of Junction City (right outside the gate). Next time, my friends!
"cultural brio" Stuffing Aunt Percy was probably a good idea. Once your relatives turn on you, you either have to inter them in a secure facility or take more extreme measures. You're on the road, so the baby jeebus will forgive. For support of this assertion, I refer you to any chapter or verse in the Book of Leviticus. I only ask that you read the entries liberally and ignore the big words placed in there to do Satan's work.
Also [note the smooth transition], if you think the roads in "Colaraddy" are bad for YOU, don't get me started on how they affected my pancreas a few years back. I was on the road to Sturgis (like Jessica, blind drunk, lost, and speeding) on a Harley chopper and dipped into a giant pot hole/geyser. My goiter flapped off my chest, blacked both eyes, and caused me to flip over my monkey bars into the hull of an abandoned Winnebago. The good news? I finally had found a rent-controlled domicile that was easily converted into a meth lab. The bad news? Still trying to find some...
Chad, I have seen some fine air-drumming of late, and yours is definitely among the finest. I have no doubt, of course, that just out of frame you are wearing the requisite leopard-print spandex.
Why is Jessica always driving, when she's sick? Abusive husband!
You are a "racist" Having been born in Junction City (this is true--I have paperwork), I take offense to all of your comments and to the fact that you've allowed your previously narcotized Aunt Percy to roam my birthing pool without a leash. Also, what did you do with the package of swag behind that missing jacuzzi panel? And where is Percy's pooper-scooper? What kind of scandalous operation are you folks running? Have you, at long last, no sense of decency? You call yourselves "white people"? For shame.
By the by, if you liked Kansas, just WAIT until you hit eastern Colorado. It is...Kansas.
ribs and jacuzzis Wow, Kansas seems to have lived up to its reputation as a state filled with beautiful scenery, exciting opportunities, and half-finished construction...
Don't worry, the second half is so much better than the first. They have wheat...
Marooned I see that Jessica, at least, is already comparing this trip to being shipwrecked for 227 days in the Pacific Ocean. She has sold the zoo that is IU and is relocating to California. In the middle of the country, alas, she has sunk -- into a fetid morass of non-health. Chad plays the hyena, obviously pondering eating Jessica as she sleeps. If this gets any worse, please don't each other. Eat pie.
Leave Lewis and Clark Alone! Listen, when you are camping in the mountains, sometimes you have to snuggle to keep warm. The rumors about Lewis and Clark are simply not true. Get over it, Chad. You have already attempted to paint Jack London as a dog-loving sicko. What do you have against tough men?
Review Chad,
Like Helmut Kohl, you lack seriousness in the face of pressing social issues. Let me explain. "Dog Turd with Flag #3" looks suspiciously like my hamster Bruiser, who was presumed dead in 1985. As you well know, I have been looking for him for ages and only recently abandoned the milk carton campaign. How those little legs took him from Nevada to Missouri is hard to understand, but the ensuing 23 years does help explain. I never should have injected him with a melange of steroids and Jeff Goldblum's DNA. Live and learn. In any case, I hope you provided an appropriate funeral. The flag is a nice touch, but it is not enough. I'm thinking a full orchestra covering Freddie Mercury songs. You know, something tasteful.
Also, what in God's name has happened to Percy? She looks like a friend of Bill W.'s to me: you and Jessica have to accept the fact that Percy has a problem. If she hadn't passed out before you got to Missouri, I would suspect that her essence was being held in one of the soul cages, but the chronology isn't right. Trust me on this. I have watched countless episodes of both Quincy and CSI: Staten Island. You have to get on top of this, or you will never make it to the West Coast. Still, my best wishes are with you and yours. As ever, godspeed.
a couple of concerns First, I was alarmed to see that Chad's Aunt Percy remains near comatose. I have warned you both about the inexpert use of rohypnol, and this is exactly what I was talking about. Try waving a glass of scotch beneath her nose. That always works with my relatives.
Second, those soul cages are scary. Every Star Trek episode out there suggests that you should steer clear of them; indeed, the baby jeebus says that souls are not to be caged, even by West Indian narcotraficantes like the people described in your post. Repent!
inconsequential Hee!
I almost started mentally correcting your American history -- but then I remembered who was writing it. Thanks for a laugh on a day otherwise clouded by linguistics grading.
(That girl dropped the class, by the way, 'because I didn't receive the help and support I expected.' Brat.)
This should be a TV show Chad and Jessica:
I am glad to see that you are on the move and one step ahead of Johnny Law. Chad's Aunt Percy seems a little worse for wear, but I'm sure she'll perk up once the thorazine wears off. Have you found a facility for her in San Berdoo yet? I have a number of brochures that may be helpful in this regard.
The bad news, of course, is that I couldn't help but notice that you are not driving in a regulation Hertz-Penske vehicle, which might cause trouble at the fruit and vegetable search stations across the nation. Good luck. Don't be afraid to use my name with the mounties. And godspeed.
Fresh off their dramatic, come-from-behind victory at the Nestea Lite Regional Tantric Yoga Finals in Boca Raton, Chad and Jessica are heading west for Nationals. Chad is still nursing a torsion injury to his coccyx and Jessica no longer has a sense of smell, but the determined couple is ready to once again put their ass on the mat in Las Vegas. Join them on their historic cross-country quest!... full info
Pete
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How Sad
Nothing portrays the decline of Western civilization like a picture of a dilapidated basketball hoop. Some day we'll have to get together and compare collections. Man will that be fun.