New Yoik. New Yoik! I have exhausted my last reserves of US currency buying my many friends, and family, who have faithfully logged onto this blog, presents, so everyone who has read,and more importantly, contributed comments, will be well rewarded! What's New York like - well, the natives call it New Yoik, which I suppose can be roughly compared to our 'YUCK'! If you like mini marathons, this is the place to be, coz everyone seems to be rushing! Why is this? I expect it's due to if you stand around long enough, you get charged with vagrancy. Walk along at a leisurely pace and the beggars or leafleters catch up with you, therefore SPRINT. This also helps you to get to the latest sales venues in time too! The food here is wonderful - every second shop is a restaurant - if you can class McDonalds, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway and Wendy's as resaurants, that is. Of course, you do get your bon vivant eateries too - if you're happy to pay out $200 for 6 lettuce leaves, 2 cherry tomatoes, 3 slices of cucumber and a piece of 'macrobiotic' slime! Those kind of places tend to be full of customers who I swear are ALL Victoria Beckham and Pete Doherty clones i.e, drug addicts with healthy eating habits - I mean, why waste 150 of your daily allowance of calories on FOOD, when you can take the same amount intravenously! Naturally, as one of life's healthy eaters, I go for the 2900 calorie Happy Meals at McD's - a kiddy portion here would sustain an African village for a week! Only 2 of my precious days left to sample so many eating establishments - I'm going to have to cram it all in! That way, no matter what crap they fling at me on the plane home, I'll manage til I can get some decent British food inside me - MacDonald's, some pizza, chop suey, and that good old brit staple, a nice korma! See you all soon, amigos, mes ami, etc. This is likely to be my final blog.
Hi, my well seasoned reader(s) - how sad that no one in the world is interested in my blog! The hours I've spent carefully selecting which of my adventures to write about - wasted on a plebian society that is only interested in the here and now pleasures of Clubbing, Boozing and Mating - there is in actual fact, very little change in our society over the last few millenia - Fred Flintstone is alive and thriving. The only slight change is in the clubbing - though nowadays the blokes DANCE their mates into submission, instead of literally hitting them over the head with the heavy truncheon! Here I am, in Marvelous Miami, lying on the sifted sand, iced marguerita in hand, and attentive hunks in trunks surrounding me, vying for my attention! This is the life, ne c'est pas? Oops - the hunks in trunks are undercover (uncovered) vice squad, and they've told me I have to leave the swimwear display in the Mall window, and move to the beach - how bloody rude are they! Don't they know the beach is full of Brits on holiday, and it's more like Costa Del Sol than Florida! However, they can wait til I finish my marguerita - SO much classier than a can of lager. I've already seen the seamier side of Miami - you wouldn't believe how grey and tatty Don Johnson's boxers are, and personally, I would never have hung them out to dry! What the hell does he think shower rails are for - and as everything in America is bigger, HE'D get more than 4 thongs and 2 pair of tights on his rail (or maybe not, seeing how enormous his underpants are). Oh, my - got to go - there's two HUGE blokes in suits and ties walking right towards me - I bet they're under the mistaken impression I'm someone famous, and they're going to ask me for my autograph! TTFN, Travelfans.
Another day has passed in a Non-alcohol induced daze, and I still haven't quite made the Mall - suppose it's like winning the lottery! You know you've got the winning ticket on a saturday night, but you have to wait nearly a week before you get the actual £'s, so you fill in the time by 'anticipation and planning!' However, I have not been totally idle - I have been teaching our American friends REAL english. For the first few weeks, I kept telling all the locals my name is Amy, NOT Yol, coz everywhere i went, someone would say, "Howdy, Yol" or How Yol doin' there". (Almost as bad as Scotland, where everybody's called Jimmy!) Any way, lessons went down a treat, and now all the police cadets in particular, know to use the f*** word at least 4 times in every sentence, eg, What the f***'s going on - who f***ing called us in, and why the f*** are we f***ing here? and I'm f***ing first in the f***ing queue, so f***ing wait your f***ing turn! The same correction should apply to our EU friends when the first arrive in the UK - teach them how to talk like us, and they'll soon feel at home (getting attacked by everyone around them). That's all for now, as I think I have planned my spends well enough to buy all my gifts, my flip flops AND have 50 cents left over, and I sure as Hell ain't leaving this country will American currency unspent!
Freedom!!!! Authentic Amy has finally found the right site to update her post, which theoretically means I'm redundant, but, what the Hell. I'm the only one who logs on here, and I've got short term memory loss, so I can amuse myself by reading them! 300 Denzil's - Wow! The possibilities for entertainment could be infinate - however, if it turns out they are 300 Eddie Murphy's, the comic appeal would quickly wear off! As for 100 police academy cadets - I have extremely fond memories of the bloke with a voice like a corncrake with laryngitis. I wonder about the 'guy on a roof and 20 blokes in white masks' scenario - was the guy on the roof black or white, because that would make the situation not so entertaining if it was a black guy with 20 Ku Klux Klan blokes egging him on! Anyway, as Alternative Amy, KING OF PRUSSIA- wooee! Every major store in the States and MORE! Thank you Gawd for inventing sale '$ bins', and bargain racks! Now all my friends can get designer label gifts - I'm sure the canary yellow T shirt with red and orange paisley pattern trims and tartan bindings is just the very thing for one of my brothers, and the purple skinny cut jeans with rhinestones and silver spangles down the side seams are most definately Chad! There's a STUNNING multi tiered dress with each tier a contrasting colour and pattern, with fringing everywhere, that would suit Katriona - it's a size 18, but I'm sure Kat will love it so much, she'll adjust her body weight to fit (my bulk purchase of out of date oreos will surely help). I'm going to have so much fun spending my hard earned $37 buying gifts for my 168 friends and family - with careful budgeting, I should even have enough to buy myself those cute pink flip flops with luminous green feathers and purple birds of paradise so artfully arranged on them! I'm sure they'll cause a stir in one of the Cardiff nightclubs. Well, treasured Travel readers, until tomorrow!
Habits and habitats Yet another day when the Authentic Amy's travels through the wild west have revealed a dearth of Cyber cafes and computer facilities! Modern, up to date USofA? Anyways, eager readers (counts if I log on twice daily and read my own updates), as you all know, Hurricane Fay is heading to the same general area as moi! Miami! Death and Destruction, Misery and Mayhem, and that's just getting off the greyhound buses. Why Miami? Well, sunshine and beach bronzed hunks in trunks, sipping margueritas while watching the atlantic roll onto the shore (though the Hurricane may make that 20 foot tsunami type rollers flooding those beachside cocktail bars and negating that statement - however, I'm not a wimp, and have wellies packed. There's also the remote chance of bumping into someone famous! I almost met Sly Stallone at Disneyworld when I was 9. However, the sight of my Starstruck Mum, with 3 kids in tow, yelling "Rambo, I loved your Rocky films" must have overwhelmed him, and he and his entourage took off. I do rather hope I bump into Johnnie Depp - he's ultra cool, and Vanessa Paradis must be past her sell by date now. The houses around there are supposed to be Architecture Heaven - which will be a relief after clapboard walls and corrugated roofing at camp. I will make sure to report on all, once I've found my way out of the coach station - SHIT, I believe I just saw skybound people outside, floating 8 foot off the ground - and WOW, was that Toto?
Hi intrepid travel fans! Authentic Amy is still busy in Pennsylvania, so I'm taking over again. Exciting it ain't, but it passes the time. Lets talk some more about the weird and wonderful habits of that strange creature - Americanasapiens! I can't say average at this stage, because there's no such thing! I mean, a country where 40% of women are a size zero, 42% are a size 30 and above - the remaining 18% yoyo in between!!! The one thing they all have in common, are dentists who are into tooth bleaching! On a sunny day, you can't actually see the facial features of these strange creatures, as the dazzle is truly blinding - bling on the hoof! Let's talk tanning now. Apart from your obvious racial shading, there is no such thing as a white person here - even during the winter seasons. They all seem to hit the 'Bahamian brown' on the 'Dial your perfect tan' machine! Then there are the 48% of women here who, regardless of body size, have breast implants,so you get these massive mammaries suspended above tree trunk brown legs, with neon white smiles walking towards you wherever you go - frightening for your average brit girl, who is a pale to the point of anaemic with 32b in her balconette! What is even more scary is, the American blokes are starting to look like their women! Tanned to a seriously overcooked look, pecs like DD cups, long flowing locks, or grecian 2000 perfection, wearing tight trousers to show off their prosthetically enhanced manhood! Well, enough idle chatter for today - until the next time I tune in and take over, or the Authentic Amy logs in, sees this rubbish, and hits the 'delete' or 'report this now' buttons!
Hooter Rootin and gun toting in the Wild West Well,as the Authentic Amy, who has NO kids to care for now, hasn't bothered to blog, I'll make it up for her, again! Hooter rooting is a popular pastime here in the US of A. No matter whether you're a rich bitch or hick, it's one of their favourite hobbies! There we go, talking to the natives, in the TRUE english language, and they are Ssssoooo overwhelmed, the index finger goes directly to their nostrils! Walk through any high class shop, and the assistants, dressed in their cut price + 50% employee discount couture clothing, are leaning on the counters, rooting and inspecting - I mean, what DO they expect to find - Gold? Leaking brainfluid? As for gun toting, a magnum (not the ice cream bar) is as popular an accessory as a handbag! Even the traffic wardens wear them - though admittedly, they sure as Hell wouldn't get fast access to them for their overhanging bellies! Most of the kids in my dorm had their own handguns, and some even had Uzi machine guns, for getting rid of the eagle size mosquitos, and alsation size rats - YIP! That boast about everything in America being bigger IS true in SOME respects, and usually in the most horrible and unexpected ways. Supersize bugs, beasties and bums! Every mall has a plastic surgery shop where you can walk in and buy 34 triple x boobs, and 20" penile extensions! That makes your average Yank a great big Tosser! Well, travelfare fans, I'm off before this site gets shut down, seeing as it's Stateside sponsored (isn't everything nowadays), and hopefully, the Authentic Amy will log in soon, preferably prior to arriving back in the UK!
I'm coming home Hi Net Navigators, I've been SO sloppy with keeping you all up to date with my blog, so I'm going to admit I was held hostage by a bunch of 15year old High School Musical wannabees, who are convinced the UK is the size of Manhattan Island, and all UK residents are related to each other! Natch, we're all supposed to KNOW one another too, so they are under the impression that Simon Cowell is my Uncle, and I can sway him into getting them on the X Factor next time he's Stateside! The 14yr old kids in the next cabin have been lifesavers, throwing me the occasional bagel and cookie, in exchange for information on how to get onto 'America's got Talent', another of Uncle Simon's shows (though I didn't tell them farting Star Spangled Banner in harmony may be considered a bit OTT even by American standards). Three weeks they kept me locked up, so now I'm free, it'll take me another few days to scrape myself clean. A good outcome to this tragedy is I'm finally a size minus 0! Eat your heart out, Kylie! Love you all, Loyal Blogger loggers. Meet me with chocolate and chips!
Hey... you could get into trouble ripping off kids, watch out no angry parents come after you! Amy's coming home soon yippee... have a great time in Miami, let me know when you're gonna be in Leics, when in the UK, and when back at Uni. I'll be in Leics the weekend of 20th Sept. I'll be working alot of Saturdays before that... So if you let me know ASAP I can book you flights to come to Glasgow for a bit if you can squeeze it in? Even a couple of days? Let me know...Excited about seeing my lil sis! Xx
you mean Primark ISN'T designer label! I've been had! Glad you got one over on the Barbie brats, though. I can see a new trend for imported 'latest big label' from an 'exciting new British designer' starting up amongst the overindulged Sweeties! That's my girl - the Paton 'quirk' genes are truly alive and well in you! xxx
ohMyGawdWot'veIdone Hope you log into your blog or e-mail account before you leave camp! Sent $s in one of your birthday cards, unregistered this time, as last lot took 3 weeks. Hoping that sending it by ordinary air mail you get it before you leave camp. Please, PLEASE 'e' me as soon as! Love you loads, xxx
all that time and so little blogging! Hi Amy, Derring do discoverer of America, so happy to get home myself from my explorations of Scotland - which is still full of angry natives who are too busy fighting each other to notice the wider world. Bet YOU'LL be glad to get home to the UK too - chocolate! chips (as opposed to french fries or crisps), friends who know all the signs of your pmt/hangover/pissed at the world symptoms and avoid you till you're over it. So near your birthday - makes me sad that the only company you'll have are a bunch of spoiled brats who think having a pyjama party with crisps and crap choccies is high celebration! When you get home, we'll all get together to have a great meal out - where you can eat all the chips and chocolate you like! Love you loads, and be careful in Miami - stick to the Millionaires row section! xxx
, Hey sounds like your learning stuff overthere! and having some experince! fun fun fun!! ^_^
good luck handling the whining and rude gossip of those little girls! lol
hope you have fun on independance day! be careful you dont get robbed out there by some american homeless patriotic maniac X)
hopeyou find some good chocolate!!! x
Still nada, zilch, zero, nothing form the true intrepid traveller, so here's the fake take for this evening...... Hi mates of mine, supposing I still have any seeing I haven't been logging my blog, today is sunday the 29th June, and today's adventures include being spat on by a camel, shat on by an elephant, and snotted on by a sneezing snake! welcome to the real Wild West! I've also been chased by some geniune native Americans, and was expecting to be scalped - in the event, I was only fleeced, as they sold me ring side seats to a re-enactment of Little Big Horn - I truly didn't realise it was a PORN version! However, it's now time for me to chow down on some genuine American fare - McDonald's here I come! Catch my next Alternative Amy installment tomorrow, unless the REAL Amy logs in and finds these, and deletes them!
How many days? Dear Loyal loggers, life here is just too thrilling to find time to blog. For instance, today I got up, brushed my teeth, showered, and spent half an hour straightening my hair, only for my hair to get messed up when I went to the pool! There are no guys worth eyeing up, and as I'm not into gals (anyway, I'm the ony one that's worth chatting up), 'fraid my love life's on hold til I escape camp confines. I will inform you all if and when this happens! Keep loyal, loggers to my blog - if I make the effort to do my blog, the least you can do is read it!
Hi everyone who bothers to log in, or actually figures out HOW to log in. Got up today, showered, ate breakfast and actually noticed I'm stateside - I have finally got over the jetlag! I've been whitewater rafting, canoeing, kayaking, and zipwiring, but gawdamnit, I've still not escaped the boundaries of this camp. There are bleached bones lying everywhere - previous attempts at reaching civilisation in this wild, untamed New Country. I have given up trying to escape for today - I'm suffering from extreme chocolate withdrawal. Check in again soon, for the further adventures of Amy.
and another bright and sunny morning here in Leics, where I have gone to great and inspired lengths to log into your blog to find you STILL haven't updated! Are you sure those Russians don't LIVE permanently in the internet building! xxx
2nd Chapter. Today I woke up, alone and lonely, then I remembered all the kiddiewinks who I'm supposed to be in charge of - ha ha! They were all up, dressed and had breakfasted, and as it was 2.30pm, had also lunched and were out on the afternoon activities! So far, I have seen inside my cabin, the underside of my duvet, and the inside of my eyelids. Of the world outside my cabin, I know nothing, and care even less, as it was dark when I arrived. I may sunbathe later on. Bye folks til next blog in.
If you don't get blogging soon, I'm going to write your blog for you! Let's see: Hi everyone, arrived safely in US, found my way to Camp Kweebec, met all the little darlings I'm in charge of, delegated the week's activities to various kids that probably know how to do them better than me anyway - I mean, c'mon, WHO would actually believe I can negotiate a kayak through white water AND reach the end with all the kids in my party still intact! And, as for volleyballing - way too strenous for me! However, activities relegated, and I'M off to sunbathe by the pool. Back soon! xxxAlternative Amy
early alzheimers set in? Have you succumbed to long term memory loss and forgotten about your blog? Here's me checking in several times a day, and apparently everyone else hasn't managed to crack getting into this, or you've become Amy No-mates! America believes in the rights to arm yourselves with guns, so buy a bloody bazooka and blast those russians off the computer so you can log in and blog! Don't worry about waving shootie things at them - if they're Georgian, they'll be used to it! Or tell them UNESCO's handing out free vodka flavoured condoms in the nearest big city - I'm sure that'll get them away from the internet! STILL love you even if you're ignoring us all, xxx
is there really life in the USA? by now, seeing as you're so many hours ahead, you must've finished work, tucked all the little sweeties into bed, and had your daily fix of chips and choc, so WHY aren't you reviewing your own blog? Here am I, sitting for untold hours in front of my ancient pc, bum numb (and brain too) waiting to read the experiences you've undertaken (or not, if you've managed to persuade one of aforementioned sweeties to do your job for you), and all that exciting foreign cuisine you must've tried - yes, US made versions of Mars bars and dime bars count as exotic coz they use that horrible maple syrup or molasses instead of bona fide sugar! We're all waiting eagerly for your first hesitant steps into a real American Cheers bar - though I'd advise you NOT to try Hooters just yet - that's the booby bird bar! We want to hear about the giant cockroaches, your first encounter with a skunk, and other sundry wildlife! Get blogging soon! xxx
where are all your m8s? Just to say maybe you need to 'e' everyone with 'idiot' instructions, as it IS difficult to log onto this site! Well done, Dan Blackmore for being 1st to crack it, but as you're young, intelligent (one will assume that the IQ is above average as you're at uni), I deserve the title of Mastermind more than YOU, coz I'm old and demented, and phobic about new technology - remember, my generation used an abacus for abstract calculation, and I still remember my first electric typewriter with horror and distrust!
Alternative Amy
non-member comment
New Yoik. New Yoik!
I have exhausted my last reserves of US currency buying my many friends, and family, who have faithfully logged onto this blog, presents, so everyone who has read,and more importantly, contributed comments, will be well rewarded! What's New York like - well, the natives call it New Yoik, which I suppose can be roughly compared to our 'YUCK'! If you like mini marathons, this is the place to be, coz everyone seems to be rushing! Why is this? I expect it's due to if you stand around long enough, you get charged with vagrancy. Walk along at a leisurely pace and the beggars or leafleters catch up with you, therefore SPRINT. This also helps you to get to the latest sales venues in time too! The food here is wonderful - every second shop is a restaurant - if you can class McDonalds, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway and Wendy's as resaurants, that is. Of course, you do get your bon vivant eateries too - if you're happy to pay out $200 for 6 lettuce leaves, 2 cherry tomatoes, 3 slices of cucumber and a piece of 'macrobiotic' slime! Those kind of places tend to be full of customers who I swear are ALL Victoria Beckham and Pete Doherty clones i.e, drug addicts with healthy eating habits - I mean, why waste 150 of your daily allowance of calories on FOOD, when you can take the same amount intravenously! Naturally, as one of life's healthy eaters, I go for the 2900 calorie Happy Meals at McD's - a kiddy portion here would sustain an African village for a week! Only 2 of my precious days left to sample so many eating establishments - I'm going to have to cram it all in! That way, no matter what crap they fling at me on the plane home, I'll manage til I can get some decent British food inside me - MacDonald's, some pizza, chop suey, and that good old brit staple, a nice korma! See you all soon, amigos, mes ami, etc. This is likely to be my final blog.