Crazy in the world of Steve

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When you're busy hunting down creaky buses, it's hard to keep up with this blogging thing. Anyway, back to April 28.

Sat opposite the Anna Wintour of Thailand on the creaky songthaew to Ang Thong. Don't think Anna would let herself get so grey, but this one had the same immaculate bob and lack of warmth.

Earlier Ellie rang Steve and finally got through. Later he told us that he knows another Ellie, a Filipina. When Ellie's name came up on his phone he thought: 'Why is she ringing me? How'd she get into my phone, and why has her accent changed so much?'

'Yeah .... Yeah,' says Ellie while she's talking to him. 'OK ... Crazy.' So it's all fine, even if it's a bit mad. There are lots of instructions about songthaews and tuk tuks ... We get to Ang Thong, have to get Steve's wife to speak to a tuk tuk driver, aided by a guy chopping onions. Two of us plus packs squeeze into a motorcycle contraption built for one small Thai person and we head off to Steve's where we are greeted by neighbours, children and dogs. Then Steve appears on his scooter, curses the heat and has breakfast. He doesn't want his tomato so pitches it over the fence for the neighbours' turkeys. 'They've got a rooster, too. Bloody thing starts crowing at 2.30am. I want to wring its neck.'

He disappears with Maii, and they return with another scooter, the special gift scooter from his boss.

Eventually we have two scooters and five people. Maii, ten-year-old Bel and me on one, Ellie and 15-year-old Gam on the other.

This arrangement strikes me as highly dangerous, but off we go. I resist the urge to cling on and scream.

Maii takes us to see what she says is the biggest non-reclining Buddha in the world, which has almost a fairground atmosphere around with lots of pasty, European-looking figures depicting battles against the Burmese, monsters with bulging eyes and long tongues, and phinadering unfortunates doomed to climbing a spiky cactus whie being prodded by spears and displaying oversized genitals. Ellie and I are the only real Europeans there.

We go into the temple, which is like a buddhist Versailles - full of mirrored pillars. We also shake sticks by the Buddha (the no on the stick tells you which 'fortune' to read - there's probably more to it than this, but wil have to research it). Prognosis for my legal case is good however, and baby boy forthcoming. We also touch the Buddha's finger and make a wish.

Other activities incude spoon rice into bowls on a conveyor belt, standing in front of the day of the week we were born on. (I guess mine.) Plus an ice cream in the car park.

Then it's off to another temple with a floating hall on the river that becomes the Chao Phraya in Bangkok. Here you can buy pellets to feed the world's pushiest fish. They twist and flap and splash, insatiable letterbox mouths gaping.

Back to the house, we meet Steve at his language school office and there's something complicated about dinner at his boss's restaurant - anyway eight of us pile into a Mitsubishi Magna and drive out to this place, which is a large thai-style restaurant. No walls, but great tom yum soup and crispy fish, and a few other dishes which are shared. The boss insists on showing us the 'beach' she is building by her 'pond' and various other projects. Steve tells me she's loaded and married to a guy in the mafia. Steve reckons he's entitled to a free motorbike and a free dinner. She's already broken a few promises, but next term, big contract!

She comes over at some point during the meal, to which Steve mutters: 'Shut up and bring us more beer.' She keeps on talking, though at some point another bottle of beer appears.

No apparent payment is required, so eventually the eight of us pile back into the Magna and drive back to Ang Thong. Ang Thong apparently means 'golden bowl', and the town is situated in a bowl, which facilitates flooding when the river occasionally breaks its banks.

To be continued ...

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