Vietnam

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Hello

The other night God was taking photographs in Sinahoukville with a high quality Japanese camera. It illuminated the sky with such prescence that I angrily looked up from my meal to see who had actually taken a picture of me. I then saw the second lightning bolt flash in a threatening looking arc across the sky and then settled back down to my very average "chicken with noodle fodder" arrangement.

A short while later, we stood from our seats with the intention of moving on to another bar, when I noticed the sky again. For two nights previous we had witnessed (from afar) great thunderstorms at sea. It was the first time I've experienced lightning without thunder... it doesn't quite have the same effect, but still makes you feel like a tiny spec of nothing in a universe of everything. On this night, however... the storm was upon us. There was thunder... lots of thunder. Thor had apparently been inspired by the re-emergence of Take-That and was practicing for the Great Gig in the Sky. It was ridiculously loud...and then the rain began. It was a little like being stood under a waterfall, the droplets were heavy and the power of thing only increased as time went on. Yawn and drown.

The stitching in a patchwork sky was being torn to pieces by a frustrated Cambodian God... I believe he was frustrated because he knew that we were leaving for Vietnam.

My travel companions had ditched it for the evening because of stomach trouble. Amazingly this was the first bout of stomach illness since arriving in Cambodia. Understanding that this would definitely put the toilet out of bounds for many hours to come, I opted to remain behind at the bar. There was a decent pool table, another English traveler called "Al" and a couple of friendly bar staff. Around 5 minutes after I had made my decision I realised I was completely stranded.

I think we got through about 12 games of pool before the tiles gave up the fight and a river of water washed over our feet from the sloped street outside. The barstaff laughed at our suprise... I can only imagine what kind of weather they must see during the monsoon season. This was nothing to them and was by far the worst downpour I've ever seen in my life. Frogs were absolutely loving it. They were hopping around, laughing. You name it.

With it being St. Patricks Day and all, we decided to nip across the road for a green beer they were selling. It was the bar of the place we got bed bugs a couple of nights previous. What can I say, I don't like to hold grudges. Actually just to comment on that - the bites are just starting to show up from those little bastards - they ate me alive! As an act of revenge - for every bite that shows up I shall find and burn one filthy mattress.

Just after I ordered my beer there was a break in the rain. I took my chances, said my farewells and sprinted into the lake ahead of me. I was immediately soaked and after 2 minutes jogging (yogging?) I emerged at the old trusty internet cafe that had sheltered me once before. I stayed in their awhile until the rain subsided and fell into bed completely exhausted. It was a pretty amazing night - I was able to rest safely in the knowledge that all the night dogs that had dedicated endless hours of their evening leisure time to plotting my death were all absolutely terrified... Needless to say, I slept soundly.

In our final day in Sinahoukville (and really in Cambodia) we went to see a place called Bamboo Island. We had been told of it's natural beauty and the peace and quiet that surrounding beaches are greatly lacking in. We awoke at 7.30 and arrived by Tuk-Tuk to the beach at 8am. We then waded into the sea and borded a small passenger boat to take us to the island. I immediately liked it. It was rocking in the sea but was close enough to sea level to not provoke sea sickness.

I sat next to a German guy called Yurgan who looked exactly like Bruce Willis. I'm almost certain that he was some kind of Government agent... or mercenary for hire or something. I'll explain why a little further down the line.

The boat trip to the first island was incredibly peaceful. I listened to "Bitter Sweet Symphony" and was absolutely not disappointed. The Cambodian driving the boat turned the engine off when we arrived at a small reef off one of the islands and I took my headphones out. Apart from the song of the local crickets, the place was silent. It was a pretty special moment - it's rare to have unprompted silence from a group of people and once it was there no-one dared to break it.

We were given disgusting snorkeling gear, which I briefly made more hygenic by gobbing into the eyemask and smeering it around with my finger. I had to blow mud out of the snorkel itself and I can tell you that the mouthpiece tasted saltier than salt itself. Salt.

Yurgen was in first and powered off into the distance like a primed torpedo. He said nothing and whilst others had been cautioned about sea urchins, I doubt Yurgen is susceptible to the type of pain that may be inflicted by any standard being. I followed him next... but I was pretty sure that if anyone was going to get Sea Urchined - it was going to be me. Size 12/13 feet will do that to you.

It was good fun snorkeling, although the equipment was some kind of blend between a 1940's pair of spectacles and a condom. It did the job, just barely and the salt in my eyes stung pretty horribly. I also made a brand new discovery for my contained little world when I arrived back on the boat. There is nothing... and I mean nothing worse than the taste of your own salty moustache. I don't recommend you try it.

Our next stop on the boat was Bamboo Island itself. Yurgen was out first and I'm fairly sure that he saved two stranded children from a pack of tiger sharks before finally stepping foot on shore. I was pretty much disgusted by the sight that greeted me there. There were cans, broken glass bottles, plastic bottles, plastic bags - plastic, glass and metal everywhere. I couldn't believe that anyone in their right mind would allow such a profitable island to become so riddled with shit. It was very depressing and we walked along the shore trying to look only at the beautiful scenery that lay out at sea. My spirits were briefly lifted when I saw a crab in the shallow water at my feet. I don't know why, but when I see small animals in close proximity, part of me has to chase them. I didn't hold back and attempted the "Wubp wubp wubp" noise made by Dr Zoidberg off futurama. It is not suprising, that this very crab nipped my toe with its claw about 5 minutes later. I didn't lash out... I fully deserved it.

We sat in a few hammocks for awhile and were then hurried onto the next part of the excursion - the trip through the other side of the island. It was a much better experience. We wandered through a small forest surrounded on either side by huge termite mounds and mango trees. One of the guides picked the single most unripe piece of fruit availiable anywhere in the world and offered it me. I smoothly passed this onto Rich saying: "You like Mango's don't you Rich?" It was in his hand by the time he said "What?" It was his problem after that, and he rudely "accidentally" dropped the fruit moments later. The guide eating the other fruit seemed to have aged by 150 years by the contortions around his mouth. Unripe Mango's are pretty damn sour.

We arrived at the other side of the island...and it was stunning. Clear white sand and an untouched expanse of blue sea. It made the trip worth it and we swam for awhile and found some weird creatures that lived just beneath the surface of the sand. I think someone called them sand dollars or something. I'm going to rename them Beach Dabloon's, because I can...and they clearly aren't only found around the coastline of America...and Pirates bury treasure and most commonly trade in Dabloons. That makes more sense to me.

We got back into the boat and Yurgen disappeared for awhile... the man keeps a small pink tube in his pants. No, I'm not referring to his penis - It's a genuine plastic tube. He has in this tube a folded piece of paper, some keys and something else metal. Possibly a fold-down crossbow... or some cryptonite or something. We begin to leave the shore when the metal stairway drops into the water... The driver looks distraught but gives it up because the thing clearly weighs a tonne. Yurgen didn't hesitate... in moments he had launched himself from the boat into the water and began searching in the depths to find the stairway. After 5 minutes or so, he returned - seemingly empty handed because he was swimming so naturally. He calmly fixes the ladder back onto the side of the boat and jumps up the side - no problem. He says nothing at all and sits back down.

The final island looks privately owned so we only go for a swim around the nearby reef. This isn't quite enough for our German friend - who decides to swim around the entire island. For any normal human being, this is a ridiculous feat. He returned 45 minutes later and calmly jumped back onto the boat and said nothing.

Yurgen doesn't sleep at night...he just waits.

We never figured out his true identity because he seemed to disappear before we reached the shoreline... but he's definately either a super-spy or a super-villain... I haven't quite decided yet.

This morning we awoke and got aboard the 8am coach to Ho Chi Minh City - Vietnam. As I type this I'm sitting in our most recent guesthouse...which is actually a silk shop. It's okay.

I like what I've seen of the city so far, and I'm now technically a millionaire with exactly 1 million Dong to hand, with also the potential of telling mildly humerous Dong related jokes - but I'm incredibly sad to leave Cambodia. It's an amazing country and I'll definitely go back there someday.

I think tomorrow we will go and see the war museum and get to know the place a little better.

I hope all is well where you are,

Chris

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Photos

Bamboo Boatman
This man actually stole my wallet... or at least, denied all knowledge of having it when confronted. I swam out to sea to board the boat with the grace of a beached sea-cow, and still he wouldn't return it.

Bamboo Cow
I didn't want to take a picture of the litter, so I took a picture of this cow instead. Pretty cool, hey?

Hammock
Jealous? ...you're jealous.

Bamboo Beauty
One of endless piles of litter scattered around the island. We spent most of our time trying to keep our eyes out on the horizon.

The Other Side
After a light trek through a jungle path, we came out here. Spirits were suddenly lifted and Dabloons were found in the shallow waters.

The View
Boats anchored somewhere along the route to Bamboo Island.

Comments

[Andy Dabbs]

Yurgen
When Yurgen falls in water, Yurgen doesn't get wet. Water gets Yurgen. When Yurgen does pushups, he doesn't lift himself up. He pushes the world down. Yurgen's tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever If Yurgen is late, time better slow the fuck down Yurgen can divide by zero

[booyah]

things
1. brilliant to think that you chased a crab doin your best dr zoidburg impression. i can actually picture you scuttling down a beach after a feckin crab, pincering your hands, making ridiculous noises, and most likely giggling your silly face off! love it! 2. if you ever start you own country, your curreny should be dabbsy dabloons, or dabssloons. needs a bit of work but you get the picture. 3. does yurgen has a beard? with another fist beneath it? does he shoot down planes simply by pointing at tehm and saying "bang"? 4. you're walking around vietnam with a million dongs in your hand? pretty liberal guy when you go away aren't you buddy! 5. dong jokes are easy and plentiful that is all... :)