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Published: August 14th 2008
Currently am sitting in a small (and possibly the only) internet cafe in Hanoi. The only other one I could find was actually a 'Playstation 2 Cafe' that I resisted the urge to enter.
The journey here was a long one, but thankfully we made the right choice in getting out of Laos, by flying. Where we made the wrong choice was by choosing an airline that apparently doesn't publish their safety records. Telling the story even more in reverse, we took a third and final coach journey out of Vang Vieng and back to Luang Prabang, for our airport rendezvous. This turned out to be the worse of the three because, despite being only (!) nine hours, I had left my inflatable neck cushion in my big bag that was somewhere else on the bus. A bus one-third full of mattresses and desks and related things - evidently somebody caring for the environment by using public transport even when moving house. The man behind Holly had clearly not traveled before, firstly because he seemed incredibly excited at the prospect of nine hours on a mud track, but mainly because he would vomit copiously out the window at twenty minute
intervals.
The night we had to spend in Luang Prabang was slightly uneventful - necessary because of the time of our flight the next day and the infrequent bus service to 'neighbouring' villages. The morning saw me discover a cockroach crawling on my bag, which was promptly battered by my reading book. "A Confederacy of Dunces" actually makes a very efficient bug beater, which is fortunate as I am yet to properly get into it.
You can always tell an airport will be small when you can see your aeroplane waiting at the end of the approach road - quite possibly the first commercial propeller driven aircraft I have flown on. Luang Prabang Airport (or, according to the entrance sign, Luang Prabhang Airport) didn't disappoint. It was so small, that there is no toilet in the check-in area - you have to go through to arrivals first, and after checking in, we walked completely out of the airport to a shack where I enjoyed the nicest fried rice of the holiday, at half the price of the town centre and a quarter of 'Smile Burger', the departure lounge's resident eatery.
On board, it seemed life jackets were
Mekong River
Unfortunately no sign of the good old ox-bow lake.extra, as were safety announcements. A quick look at the ever multilingual safety card showed that in the event of a water landing, the passenger is expected to take the cushion out of their seat and hold onto it. Not to worry, at least the airline has a comprehensive and highly respectable safety record. Hang on a second...
As a testament to how long we spent in Laos, Both me and Holly were surprised to find Hanoi airport was bigger than a school's swimming pool, and we had to get a bus to take us to the terminal. Wandered around for quite a while looking for a cash machine other than the twenty we tried that had no money in. Were just about to settle down for a sleep in front of one of them when we remembered the (measly) 24 Dong (yes, Dong) an American had given us the previous week. Eventually, after a 45 minute bus journey and a 5 minute taxi that cost 10 times the price of one bus ticket, we made it to Hanoi.
Trying to make the most of our brief stay here, we went to visit the water puppets almost immediately.
Hoan Kiem Lake
Apparently there lurk giant turtles in the depths. These are floating puppets, controlled from backstage by sticks, and accompanied by some, in the words of Chris Morris, "Seriously Monged Music". Although not being able to understand the weird, foreign language (probably Vietnamese), it was actually quite funny. The puppets are quite detailed, and the amount of things they could do by being controlled backstage was quite impressive. My one complaint was that there wasn't enough pantomime-style splashing of people in the front row.
The next morning, we made the unholy effort of getting up at 5am in order to take a run around Hoan Kiem Lake. This is when all the locals get up to go jogging and practice Tai Chi, and we took it as a time to get some amazing photos and watch the sunrise. This was indeed, quite an experience. After circumventing the lake Holly took part in some sort of Vietnamese aerobics class, while I went to the lake shore to practice some Tai Chi of my own. When I say my own, I really mean it, as I have no idea in anything at all to do with Tai Chi.
This was going to be the day we visit Halong Bay
for a two day visit, a trip we decided to arrange ourselves instead of taking a tour. After an incredibly bouncy bus ride (more so than in Laos, but only because we achieved a speed greater than 30mph and the driver had pimped his suspension), we arrived in Halong city to discover that we were in the middle of a typhoon, and, equally importantly, the city is horrible. The typhoon meant that no boats were allowed to leave anywhere that day (except, presumably, open water), and as a result, together with time constraints, we were forced to abandon our trip to possibly one of the most beautiful places in Vietnam. We couldn't even get any good pictures because there was too much cloud. Sympathetic comments much appreciated.
On the bright side (which is what the weather wasn't), this meant we got an extra day in Hanoi before moving onto Hue. That night, we spent eating pizza and drinking Bia Hoi to cheer ourselves up. Bia Hoi is ubiquitous in Hanoi, and, apparently, all over Vietnam. This makes us very happy indeed - Bia Hoi is brewed without preservatives by individual shops, is drank one day then a different batch
An Exotic Animal in its Natural Habitat
You know, we actually had one of these that settled in our back garden for a few months. is used the next day. Who cares about that - all this translates into ultra cheap beer for everyone - less than 10p for a large glass. Ok, it's apparently only 2% or so, but when you can buy 100 for a tenner I don't think anyone's complaining.*
The next morning was an early one for people who spent a pound on drinks the previous night. I started it with an authentic Vietnamese cuisine French croissant, that was so nice I'm on my way back there when I've finished here. We visited the final resting place of Ho Chi Minh (almost final - he visits Russia two months a year for 'maintenance') , and saw his embalmed corpse on full display. This was only after being taken to numerous places by the motorbike drivers, until I did a very convin He looked pretty unhappy, and I'm not surprised because the poor guy just wanted to be cremated. Someone said the Vietnamese break down into tears at the sight of him (the mighty, influential ruler during the years of revolution), so I was disappointed when they reacted quite normally. Yes, I was disappointed when grown people didn't start crying. He
The Ancient Leader
Yes Ho Chi Minh, you did look like you were really dead. Also, love the pajamas. died nearly 40 years ago, and his waxy complexion suggests that the rumours may be true and Madame Tussaud's in fact were contracted for a replacement after an incident involving a cigarette and a woman on a bike covered in ducks.
The next stop in the complex were a variety of houses that he lived in over his life. His final house (other than the current glass chamber), contained, along with pictures of Marx and Lenin, a statue of someone who looked suspiciously like himself. Well, if I was president...
The next place was a little out of town - the Museum of Ethnology. This contained a history of all the cultures, tribes and languages in Vietnam - including a wooden tomb surrounded by wooden sculptures of people doing things you (probably) wouldn't want to do to your granny. This was at least historical - the cotton models of a woman's groin in the process of childbirth was a little unnecessary. I mean please - we've all done it, we know what it looks like.
On the way back, we visited the zoo. In the same vain as many things in Southeast Asia, we were hoping added
Many, Many Armed Statue
Yep, 21 left arms and 22 right. fun would be available at the expense of Health and Safety. We were not disappointed. Firstly, a crocodile cage that you could quite easily reach your fingers into (and for the first time, we were upset not to be next to a smelly market full of raw meat), and not forgetting the ostrich pen with a meagre 1.5m high fence and rope - to my knowledge, well within ostrich jumping height, but either way, you could still get close enough to have your skull crushed by their mighty beaks. If that's what you wanted.
We were also blown away by the gray heron, ravens, horses and a pen that did not, contrary to first impressions, contain Vietnamese people, but common English deer. The men were actually digging a trench for them or giving tourists an amusing anecdote or something like that.
That evening was an evening of free beers with our landlord, lots of Bia Hoi and some disappointingly average cakes from the bakery below us. A highlight came when an old man who we deduced to be Ho Chi Minh himself came around asking for tips. We thought he was a pretty convincing dead waxwork earlier in the day, so we gave him about 6p and got a photo. He was then suddenly cured of the limp, and walked off quite happy that he could now afford two thirds of a beer.
The next morning started after waking up. We had one day to finish the whole of Hanoi, which should be easy. First stop, the museum of revolution. This was a story of the French occupation of Vietnam for many, many years, until the independancy at the end of the American war in 1973. Well, at least I think that's where it stopped. We got up to 1930 or so before we were ushered out of the museum for lunch. A museum that closes for lunch? Come on. It's not like there are swarms of tourists you need to keep track of while eating.
Across the road lay the History museum. This was a quite, well air conditioned affair, that told the history of Vietnam from the distant past to the distant present. This included various articles like 'tools' that looked suspiciously like unshaped rocks. The most eventful item was a multi-armed god with a not-sure-if-it-was-an-accident odd number of them.
Most of the rest of the day consisted of walking around looking for a restaurant with millions of kinds of spring rolls, which in the end turned out to be ridiculously extortionately expensively pricey. We found a small local place with nobody who spoke any english. With a combination of pointing, guessing, and mime, we got a collection of (deep) fried eggs, fried rice, and snails with stir-fried vegetables. Not really sure how we got the last one but it was very tasty.
Last was the prison, the temple of literature, and a pagoda. All of these were ok but by this point we had walked probably 10km and had many Bia Hoi on the way. Topped off with a horrendously cheap ice-cream, we had seen all the cultural sights Hanoi had to offer. We think.
Even if we haven't, it doesn't matter, because tonight, we're getting the overnight train halfway down the coast to Hue (pronounded Hoo-ay but I can't be bothered to find the accents). Will fill you in when we get there. Goodnight!
*Max Maguire promotes responsible drinking.
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