Poo-ket

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Phuket Airport was a complete mess, very disorganised. After agreeing a rate for the taxi outta there I was happy when the meter passed the agreed rate. He soon turned it off to save face. I had beaten the system, yippee. More dangerous driving saw me very relieved to make it to the Red Planet hotel in Patong. Being the cheapest hotel I have ever booked I was nervous.

The room was basic, small and congested. The sheets weren't great, the view was poor. It was £25 a night so I forgave it. I was actually impressed believe it it not. The air con was fantastic, the fan worked, great shower pressure and the bed wasn't uncomfortable. The key things were good. Add to that the staff were incredibly helpful, directing and informing us of stuff and doing our laundry for about £3. I was very happy.

Across the road from the hotel was a sports bar. Perfect place to tuck into a ham and cheese toasted sandwich. Straight to the beach next which was a two minute walk. This unfortunately was a complete dump. Swarmed with tourists and touts. I walked up and down to see what was around and it was rammed with people. The beach itself was covered in rubbish, broken glass and cigarette butts. I was enjoying soaking up the heat and tried to have a sleep, but the local sellers kept bothering me. I threw a hissy fit and left. I do not like being bothered.

After showers in the shoebox, we headed to the infamous Bangalore Road. Imagine ibiza strip or Bourbon Street without the class. Walls of strip clubs, dancing ladies on bars and restaurants. Hundreds of sellers attempting to lure you into thier establishment. Being from London it's easy to tell people to F off. We had some drinks and headed for some food. I had a terrible Salmon. I expected more being by the seaside.

As we walked back to the hotel we decided we had to see one of these 'Ping pong' shows. I'd heard horror stories and was immediately defensive as I was lured into what I expected to be back alleys and drug dens, ready at any moment to be Thai gang banged. In reality we walked straight into this bar. It was completely safe. The entry fee was two very expensive drinks, that was fine though, it is a show after all.

If you're not familiar with this show then you may be shocked. It's a hybrid strip club. At first ladies were dancing on stage, nothing fishy - yet. Then the show began. Two ladies rotated turns in a magic show, simultaneously ejecting items from their vagina's. One pulled out tether and razor blades, another a live FROG! It was disgusting but you couldn't take your eyes off. Then the lady fired darts from her nether regions and blew out some balloons. One stray dart hit the guy next to me and pierced his arm! Ergh. Talk about an angry pussy!

The show was crazy however it may not of been the highlight. As this was happening, behind us were these two young Chinese/Japanese/something-Eze guys. You know the ones, they live for math. Complete geeks, but at the same time absolute players! They were flashing the cash and had all the strippers around them. One of the lads was caressing the girls nippple with a cheeky reach around, like he was trying to open a door in the dark. While the other had his hand down her pants, practicing his guitar strumming. It was unintentionally hilarious. The most awkward thing I've ever seen. These gangsters had a dream and they are living it. The girls allow it because it's all business.

We stayed for one more show before our drinks ran out. The girls pulled a lad up from the audience and stripped teased for him. They pulled down his trousers and proceeded to jerk him off with a piece of pipe lagging of all things. What do they just use random building materials? Apparantly they usually make the guys.. You know. But this guy couldn't get hard, and he was marched off stage in embarrassment. That was enough for me. Admittedly it all sounds horrific, but it's something you do in Thailand and it was actually very entertaining. Feel bad for the poor frog though, but you know it was ribbitted for her pleasure. Da dum.

The next day saw us hire a moped and go exploring. We kept seeing people who had fallen off bikes during the trip. If you don't know how to ride one, you shouldn't. Moped's are for babies. I want something bigger.

We headed with trepidation to Tiger Kingdom next. I've heard stories of the animals being drugged and its inhumane, but I had to see for myself. I got a package for a meet and greet with a small tiger, and I'm glad I did. It was an amazing experience with these beautiful, playful animals. They were jumping around, swimming and we had some pictures. In my opinion I don't believe the animals to be drugged. They move around normally and respond to the trainers. They are well trained and are used to humans. You hear stories of them sleeping all day so they must be out of it. Well anyone who has cats knows they go crazy at night and sleep all day. They are lazy. I do think the cages are too small and obviously the animals in captivity argument comes up, but where is the line? Cages, zoo's, safari parks? The larger tigers are transferred to the safari Park on Chang Mai. My advice to people would be to see for themselves, however I very much enjoyed it, albeit it is morally questionable.

We then headed for the Go kart track which was very cheap, 15 laps for £10. That was good fun. Things are so cheap here. Later that night we went to a bar for some food and drink and unwittingly became part of a quiz night. It was fun, even though we came third. I need to work on my Thai landmarks. A late night massage put a downer on the day though. Firstly, I had a sweaty man who looks like he works in I.T. He wanted to talk through the whole thing. He didn't know how to use the hot stones properly and kept burning me. He rushed the whole thing, like he was rolling dough. He also kept poking me with his toe nails! How the hell do you even do that? You know the saying, you buy cheap, you get cheap.

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