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Published: April 13th 2013
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Level 2 Yoga comes to an end on Koh Phangan. I feel disappointed and down. Whereas after the first month I was a picture of glowing health and supple limbs, this month i feel awful. I have a cold, an upset stomach and I have the worse teenage skin breakout in about 5 years – so much for 200 hours of yoga! I talk to Fleur, my willowy, blonde Dutch friend:
“I don't know if I can leave in a week” I say ... ( I had been planning to stay through March and do Level 3 but now we both feel we need to get off the island and the man misery plus illness with a hefty dose of acne really hasn't helped!!!)
“What's wrong with you?!” says Fleur “of course you can leave in a week you've probably stayed in countries and capital cities for less time on your travels!”
... she's right of course. There is no earthly reason why I can't just take the decision to ship on out tomorrow if I wanted to. But there is something weirdly seductive about this place. The energy is charged with people on a spiritual quest and
the beaches are always calling. Naz, the lovely lady who recommended Agama to me said “give yourself 6 months on Koh Phangan” and I can see why.
The booze and drugs may happen on the other side of the island but some kind of intoxication happens here too. Its like falling asleep in the field of poppies, you have a ready made family and friends (courtesy of the Yoga school) to fall into, suddenly you wake up and 2 months have gone by. I haven't done any creative writing here, this blog gets three months behind and there is a weirdly charged energy here too that Tania, a mad Yorkshire woman (who apparently used to teach yoga in Kensington and charge Harrods prices), warns me about:
“any relationship here... any insecurity you may have...the island will take and blow up into something intense."
Well that has certainly happened. I mean I'm travelling, I'm supposed to have light, lovely flings aren't I?? not the kind of weirdness that has ensued on this island.
Fun is another thing that doesn't really seem to be high on people's list of priorities either. As someone with a ridiculously childish sense
of humour i'm disappointed to see every one seems to be taking themselves very seriously.
In fact the best moment of the yoga course so far has been the terrible sound of 85 people in a packed yoga hall all chanting the sun salutations and every single one starting on a different note.
Jesse, a 6ft Canadian Martial Arts trickster with huge mop of red hair, freckles and loveable smile who describes himself as “The Ginga Ninja” heckles the group:
“Jesus find the key everyone!!!”
The nervous, ditz,y blonde yoga teacher Amy desperately tries to wrestle control of the situation:
“Ok i'm going to do an experiment now, i've always wanted to try this – instead of singing the chant we are just going to say the words out loud.”
Everyone looks dubious but gives it a go for her sake more than anything...until:
“ I can't do it like this!” Shouts an Israeli... “I feel like i'm back in the army!” .
Cue much more hilarity (on my part anyway.)
That is why a weekend spent doing Bio Dance comes as such a relief. The course takes place in Pyramid Yoga, a beautiful place high up in the hills set amongst the softly swaying breeze of the palm trees. Dancing madly in a big hall with a load of other people laughing and giggling was such a welcome piece of light relief compared to the spiritual poe faced agenda of Agama. After all Buddha always seems to be laughing doesn't he?
And there is another side to this yoga school I find less palatable as well. Agama teach Tantric workshops (Tantric sex is a way of reaching enlightenment and developing spirituality through sex....no really...) Some of my friends do the workshops though and it becomes evident that at least one or two of the other male teachers are sleeping with the students. It is also heavily rumoured that Swami himself is.
I see the girls go googly eyed and talking in breathy tones about “Swami” coming and touching their shoulders, singling them out for attention.
Having about 20 years or so on some of these young girls I'm familiar with the pattern only too well. Its the same wide eyed gushing that P.A's and secretaries adopt when talking about their distinctly average middle aged, greying but incredibly powerful bosses. Whether the subject matter is tantric sex or gardening for beginners I don't think that teachers should sleep with their pupils, particularly not at a school offering spiritual development which i would imagine attracts more damaged beings as a result. I'm afraid it would take a lot to convince this cynic that Swami and his male teachers were purely focused on helping their young charges on their spiritual path rather than just taking advantage of the nubile, often young and sometimes vulnerable skimpily clad yoga bunnies that pass through their doors.
I say a distracted farewell to Fleur – she is heading for Bali and have a farewell dinner with Anke. My brain is so addled i've put my dress on back to front. Can too much beach be a bad thing? I've decided I can and I WILL leave the island. I pack up my things and get ready to ship on out the very next day. I'm going to catch the early morning boat to neighbouring Koh Samui...where my parents have just shown up...!
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