No woman, no cry...no ladyboy you die!

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Why hi there donkeys!

It is i - back with the jungle blog! Holy moly - let me just say that i have never encountered a jungle fraught with so much peril - SOOO many hairy canaries but jolly good fun! I'm going to try my best to keep this brief as i am literally COOKING - frying my melons off here in Chiang Rai - very chilled little town up North but damn it's hot! We went to this cool wat today (what what you say...wat meaning temple for all you non speaking Thai folk like myself) - i bought me a pair of ridiculous sunnies so i could actually see the wat and after 2 minutes i already had the face sweats -good times! Anyhoot - enough about crazy wats and face sweats - it's time to chat jungle! Oh and be excited because soon enough i'm going to be handing over to Slimebuster who has a personal jungle experience he'd like to share with you guys - hells of a funny...!

Right - so Thursday arrived and all of a sudden it was jungle time! Needless to say it had been pissing cats and dogs all night and was showing no signs of stopping - good thing i had my 35 Baht trusty plastic bag rain coat safely stashed! So off we headed - all loaded up in our taxi cab...me, slime (Gary, Hank and Funcan) plus 2 oldish Belgians, a spring chicken of a Pommie fresh from diving in Ko Tao, 2 frenchies - Dewi and Shanti (soon to be big pals) and Raffi (Rafael - a crazy Austrian - soon to be even bigger pal...I'm talking size by the way - he was excellent fun - large as life in both sense of the words!) Oh - we also had our 2 trusty guides - Sunny and Cheru. We drove for a good couple hours - picked up some supplies at a local market, stopped for a munch at a nearby waterfall before boarding the roof of our truck and heading for the mountainous jungle peaks... Min health and safety in these parts - owes just vy - i thought Sunny was cracking a feeble joke when asking who was going on the roof...not so much! It was pretty wild - bit sore on the ass bones i may add but all in all it was excellent fun...right up until Slime got munched (first sign of peril!) which is where i now hand over to Slime for a wee interlude of sorts...or not - Slime is still typing so i'll load his large tale as a seperate blog... - always good to know i can threaten Slime with a a caterpillar when he steps out of line! Shame - so classic that our wee guide told him it would die down in about an hour...and here he sits alongside me, still scratching! - be sure to read the full story!

So day 1 involved a 2 hour hike to our first village - super pretty...Simey didn't get to fully appreciate it as he was still rubbing giant caterpillar hairs into his neck and scratching himself half to death but i was able to take it all in - giant trees, mountains and rice paddies - do love me a paddy - they're awesome - lumo green. We finally made it to our first village where we spent the night in a large bamboo hut on mats on the floor...after a fine shower under the hose pipe it was time for grub - and complimentary magic treats! Shucks - the Karen dwellers (we were staying in a Karen village - folk are all from Burma) sure do love a magic trick - and they had loads! Beer, chicken curry and magic tricks - perfect first eve in the jungle. Oh - and SO many cows! It was awesome - each family had their own herd who lived right outisde - the pigs shacked up underneath the houses which were all built on stilts. They also had 2 churches - one protestant, one catholic - min angry Belfastians though so all good!

On to day 2...SO much walking! Wow - literally all we did was charge through the jungle! Our party crew was smaller though - Pommie plus Belgians were only doing a 2 day mission so we all went separate ways - thus 8 became 5 - me and Slime plus our 2 Frenchies and the large Austrian. Speaking of the large Austrian - damn he made me laugh - them wee little jungle-log bridges didn't stand a chance! Raffi the giant snapped every single one - hence when crossing rivers he was always last - literally every time he sat down or strolled over a rapid everyone would hold their breath, wait for the straining creaks and BAM - down Raffi would go! There were one or two super hairy moments where we'd be crossing a gap of sorts and should you tumble (or break the bridge!) you'd be a gonner! Luckily, in each case Raffi made it safely across. But wow - like i say - SO many hairy canaries! So anyhoo -onwards we marched through the slippery jungle - the magic tricks continued i may add... Cheru was always blowing bubbles out of plants (seriously) and making loud clapping noises with just a single leaf! Was awesome! We didn't encounter any snakes (sorry Craig!) - one two spiders plus a couple of Buffalo?! Nothing like a good jungle buffalo! we finally made it to our second village and I'll be darned- if a cow hadn't just popped out a wee calf literally seconds before we arrived - pretty much sealed the deal for me - won't be munching on no bovine from now till i peg it at 67(thanks to the pesky fortune-teller lady's curse!) We all braved the freezing hosepipe in the dark (probably best so you don't see all the creepy critters!) and then settled down for grub... after dinner Sunny brought in some giant rhino beetles for us all to play with - after we'd all warmed to the friendly beetles he scooped them up and banged them on the blazing fire... beetle dessert was up and running in no time...good thing i was full!

Day 3 signalled the day of the Big Stan! Finally- i was so excited - we almost didn't make it thanks to Raffi stepping out of line and crossing a raging rapid ahead of both Sime and I! Oh yes - in true Raffi style he managed to snap the one branch just as he was making it to the opposite side leaving Sime dangling above the rapid, Dewy clinging to a tree and me stranded on the opposite side of the river!! Good times- I had to watch Slime tightrope his way along a wee beam, legs trembling like jelly-bats knowing it was my turn next! As I'm still rambling- we both clearly made it! Riding the Big Stans was awesome- although i did feel slightly sad for them - ours was quite a feisty beast - trumpeting as he went and munching kgs of bananas! Our final bit of fun came on board the speeding bamboo rafts as we all charged down river getting well and trulysoaked but loving every minute of it- leaping between rafts, watching others capsize and getting clubbed by an oar- Raffi lobbed it to Sime unaware of his not so trusty catching skills- it landed smack bang on my heed leaving a nifty souvenir bump...stoked! And that was that - we jumped in the back of the truck and trundled back to civilised Chiang Mai...what an epic 3 days😊

I'm now sat in Chiang Khong! Loads has happened since i first started this jungle blog but we'll save those adventures for another time...we head for the lands of Laos tomorrow- 2 day slow boat mission😊 Hope everyone is pleased as pigs with sparkly new hooves- or trotters i should say... missing you all so beastly but loving every second of this madness too😊

Yap soon...
Lots of love eM x

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