Thailand - Settling In. Letting In. Being In.

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So. Thailand.

You know, sometimes I don't even realize where I am, and what I'm doing, until I look back at my photos and realize - I actually did that. I was actually there. That was really me. I'm really in Thailand.

Yeah, I've felt homesick. There are times when I'm just so frustrated with the language barrier, that I'm ready to give up. When I'm waiting for a shuttle to take me home from class and I'm getting bit by mosquitos left and right. When I'm tired and just want to flip on the tv, but I can't understand a word, when all i want to do is watch some netflix but it doesn't service thailand. When all I really want is some mashed potatoes, a grilled chicken breast, steamed broccoli, and to smother it all in brown gravy with cornbread on the side. When I really want a fresh salad, or just to play with my kitty, or take my dogs on a walk. When I want to go for a drive. When I want to sleep with my boyfriend and play video games with Correon, or snuggle up by the tv with my mommy.

But then I remember. Hey. I'm in fucking Thailand. I'm halfway across the world. I'm in a different time zone. I'm eating rice and stir fried veggies for every meal. I'm eating true curry, curry like I've never tasted before. I'm eating noodles and duck and pork and chicken, and soups and fried foods I never knew existed and still couldn't even begin to tell you the name of! I take a shuttle from my dormitory, where I have a roommate for the first time in my life, pack myself in among the other students who don't speak my language, or speak very little of it. Where I have to give a card to my taxi drivers so they know where to take me. And hey, I can speak a different language! I know enough now to ask directions, tell directions, say a few numbers and food items, thank you and hello. I can ask what your name is, what country you're from, and even what subject you study in school. I can haggle and barter and get fair prices, I can tell people I'm a student at the most respected university in Thailand and be treated like a Thai and not like a tourist. I've been to the grandest of grand Buddhist temples. I've payed my respects to buddha with incense and flowers. I've slept by the river and been woken up to the sounds of birds and the wind. I played in a magical waterfall. I've made friends that will last me a life time, and I've been places and seen things I never could have imagined ever in my life.

And most importantly, I've learned so much.

I've learned how small we are in this world. You hear about it, maybe you see it on tv - the vastness of the universe. How small and insignificant we really are. But we are so important. Never has Winnie the Pooh made so much sense! When Christopher Robin says to Pooh that you are "Braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think", it never really makes sense until you live it. If you told me this time last year that I would be in Thailand, I would have said that's cool - But I'd probably never do it. Yet here I am! Its because I've grown. Just getting here was such a hurtle for me to overcome - at every step in the path I wanted to just quit and forget about it. From people telling me I shouldn't, and I can't, to saying it's not worth it. And to those who said that nothing would come of it, that I wouldn't be stronger on the flip side, that this will be a waste of time. I can tell you right now that that is the most absurd thing anyone has every told me.

Already I've realized so much about myself, so many things that I thought I knew, but didn't know how to express.

For a long time I was lost and confused. I thought I knew what I wanted to do. I thought I wanted to help animals and be a vet, I thought I wanted to help people and be a doctor or nutritionist, I thought I wanted to educate and be a teacher, I thought I wanted to share my knowledge and be a dog trainer, or that maybe I wanted to help future generations by curing Alzheimer's or studying the causes and effects of mental illness. I wanted to know more about the brain and how it works, I wanted to know more about what makes a human, a human, what makes us who we are, what we do, how we think. Do we have a soul? Do we have a conscious? What is our purpose, what is our goal? And you know what I've realized?

I still want to do it all! And I will do it all! There is no reason for me to take one path, there is no reason for me to decide on one thing that interests me and to study that and only that. There is no limit to what I can do, there is no time constraint, there is no age limit, there is no physical barrier of any sort. All there is is the power of the mind and to set your mind to something and to do it. The only barrier we ever face in life is mental. There are ways to achieve success without ever spending a penny, without ever getting a "higher education", without going to graduate, veterinary, medical, business, law, art school. The way is by determination. The sky is literally the limit. And we've even broken that. To the human race - there is no limit.

You guys, I'm only 22 years old. In this day and age it is possible to live to 80, 90, maybe even 100. If you are healthy, and fit, and aware. If I live to be 80, I've only just reached a quarter of my life. And that is nothing. Life is full of infinite possibilities, if only you are willing to seek them out and find them. And whose to stop me? Who dares tell me that I must settle down, and spend the last 75% of my life focusing on one thing, when there is so much out there? There are so many cultures and customs and beliefs and fears, superstitions and traditions, ways of living are not defined - just because you are used to something, because you grew up with a certain way of thinking, a way of living and doing things, a certain belief of the world around you, does not mean it's the only one, the right one, or the one to be accepted.

There are many things about Buddhism that I respect, and there are many things that I do not agree with. In short, Buddhism is a religion meant to control the masses and make people more ethical and just. All religions started as a way to communicate happiness. By giving away material things, by letting go of attachments, and learning to love yourself and others. But over the years that's all gone screwy. Over the years is become a way to tell people what's right and what's wrong, though definitions are subject to change.

The only thing that's right is what makes one and others happy. It's wrong if it causes pain and suffering.

What makes me happy is being myself. I'm happy just living here in Thailand. I'm happy knowing that I'm alive, and that I am significant. I can make a difference.

One of the most important things I've learned here is something I'd always thought to accept as false - That one person can change the world.

How, in the world, could one person influence the lives of billions of people? How can one person alone stop climate change? End violence against women? End racism? End the war against religion? How can one person make this world a better place? If I recycle, how much does that really help the world? If I turn off my lights, am I really saving that much energy? If I have a black friend, am I helping racism? If I go to a unitarian church, am I helping acceptance of religion?

The answer simply is yes, and no. By switching off the lights, you help. By recycling plastic bottles and cardboard boxes, you help. By not performing hate crimes, you help. But you don't make the difference, and yet it's still possible. Who were Buddha, Mohammed, Jesus, Abraham, but one person. The people who probably changed the world the most in all of time, who still make an influence on it today as being just a memory. But they didn't do it alone and that's the difference. To make the difference you have to fight. You have to speak up and fight for what you know is right. You fight for education, you fight to end climate change, and you fight to make the world a safer place. And how do you fight? Not with violence, not by dropping bombs and by sending missiles. But with words. Words can change the world, words have changed the world, and words will change the world.

But words mean nothing without actions. You can tell someone all day to turn off the lights, you can follow someone around and tell them to recycle, but that doesn't mean they ever will. You have to give them an incentive, give them something to look forward to, a way in which they can help change the world. With words you gather an army, and with an army you fight with change. You fight for peace and for health and for justice.

So, yes. I was lost. I was confused. I knew that I wanted to make a difference, I knew that I wanted to help the world, but I wasn't willing to fight for it. To stand up and make that difference, to be the change I wanted to see, I never thought it possible. But I never thought I would be in Thailand either, and, well, you know how that ends. So what do I want to do with my life? Do I want to go to graduate school? Yes. But only for the right thing at the right time, when I know I will be making the right choice. And right now, is not the time. Do I want to teach biology to students? Yes. But I also want to teach them to be better people. I want to teach and educate the world on making better choices in their life and in the lives of others. I want to look back on this time, 10, 15, 20 years from now, and be proud of the progress I've made. I want to be able to look back and know that I've changed for the better, and that maybe I've changed someone or something else. I want to help the earth, and the people on it. And I know where to start. I have to volunteer.

I've always wanted to volunteer - I've thought about volunteering at a hippotherapy barn, at a homeless shelter, at the local parks. But I've never done it. Why? I never thought it would get me anywhere, I never thought I could make a difference. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid that I wouldn't get out of it what I wanted. And I probably would not have had the success I wanted if I thought it was impossible. But now that I know I can do anything. I can and will be the change I want to see. I know that I have to do better, that by volunteering I can change one person for the better, I can change myself for the better, and I can make someones day a little brighter, make my soul shine a little more. And day by day by day, I will be happier. And my happiness will spread to make others happier. And right now, that's all I want. I want nothing more than happiness around me, in my life and in the lives of others. I have to be more involved if I want to be happy and to see a change in this world that makes me sad. I'm sickened by what humans have done to this planet, and for a long time, I wanted to just forget about it, shove it out of mind. Out of site, out of mind. But ultimately, that made me unhappy. I thought I could never make a difference. Why? Because I believed one person couldn't change the world. And oh how wrong I was.

So, here I am. In Thailand. Understanding where I stand in life. How much bigger the world is around me, and how small, and insignificant I am - but how important, and how amazing I can be. I am Willow Sequoia. I was named after two trees, and I've let the world get the better of me. I am tall. I am strong. And I bend but never break. I can take down mountains, and I can bring life. I am powerful, I am alive, and I have the ability to do anything in life that I set my mind to.

Watch out world. Here. I. Come.

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