Once you've seen one temple...

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"The man thought he seemed some sad and sorry changeling child announcing the arrival of a traveling spectacle in shire and village who does not know that behind him the players have all been carried off by wolves" - The Road, Cormac McCarthy

... You could claim to have seen them all. There are roughly 400 temples in Bangkok, so this statement is more selfishly reassuring than accurate. It is almost two years to the day since I last visited the city, albeit I was only passing through the airport and received many a distrustful glower for not wearing a facemask during the swine flu outbreak. This time Etihad very kindly propelled me halfway across the world (via a desert) from Heathrow early one morning. An airport where the Starbucks playlist drably bid farewell and Stacey Solomon's autobiography glared unimaginatively from the bookshelves - I was glad to leave.

My neigbour on the flight was less than neighbourly, disposing of all his Etihad literature into the folder in the seat in front of me, so much that it was overflowing into my leg space. He is, however, relocated elsewhere, and I have two seats to myself (downside: my TV was broken). Abu Dhabi happened 8 hours later. On approach: desert; roads and irrigation ditches stretching into the smog; buildings arranged on a grid like diodes on a circuit board. Sterile airport, a colossal metal fin emerging from the sand and curving into the sky. Prayers chanted over loudspeakers in an otherwise silent halls and corridors. It is 31 degrees outside and it is dark. The flight to Bangkok was better - more leg room and a working TV. Passed over Dubai and marvel at all the pretty lights.

And then Bangkok. It is tempting to recite from the Lonely Planet but I will try to limit myself. Where to begin? The taxi ride to the hotel from the airport in rush hour traffic is a rollercoaster in itself - almost certainly deadly if embarked upon in a tuk tuk (a small, three-wheeled open-sided taxi). The first hotel (the Orchid guesthouse) on Th Rambutri in the Banglamphu district (close to the infamous Khao San road) had promises of a Thai lady for 100 baht on the dingy back stairway (50 baht roughly equates to 1 pound sterling) but otherwise it was air-conditioned and cost roughly 250 baht. However, bed bugs were discovered on the first night so a rapid relocation was needed to slightly more expensive accommodation next door in Rambutri guesthouse.

So on the first day we went for a walk and were almost immediately intercepted by a Tuk Tuk driver offering to take us around a few temples. At the time we were not wise to the tricks of the trade, and in between trips to a small temple and the Golden Mount at Wat Saket (a temple atop an artificial hill with spectacular views of the city and winding steps to the summit) we were taken to both a suit shop and a travel agent (the Tuk Tuk drivers get gasoline vouchers from the owners for bringing trades). We managed to resist trade from both although the travel agent unwittingly constructed a rather useful travel itinerary free of charge, but we were warned later that we should be wary of such people. Day two in Bangkok was spent ticking off yet more of temples; one had a large Buddha outside with lanterns adorning a courtyard (the name escapes me). It was also spent in the company of a difficult tuk tuk driver who threatened to leave us in the middle of the backstreet jungle unless we visited his mates at a travel agency. On our hopeless mission to visit every temple in Thailand, it was only fitting that we visited the Temple of the Emerald Buddha (also known as Wat Phra Kaew) which can be found adjoining the grand palace but is in truth, slightly unimpressive at a height of just over half a meter (but the temple and its lavish surroundings are spectacular).

During our stay in Bangkok we ventured north to Ayuthaya (the former capital of Siam), a city of old ruined temples. Sitting third class on the express train north was not the experience I was expecting it to be; indeed it was better than traveling on Arriva Trains Wales and much cheaper as well (60 baht for a 90 minute trip return). Once there, a tuk tuk driver offered to take us round the most touristy of temples which was ideal for us as the city would take days to explore properly. We visited three temples in all: Wat Yai Chai Mongkhon boasted a large reclining Buddha; Wat Phra Mahathat was worth visiting for the head of a Buddha embedded in a tangle of tree roots; Wihaan Mongkhon Bophit is home to one of Thailand's largest bronze Buddha (theme emerging?) and had elephants ambling around outside. In summary: shitloads of Buddhas and temples.

Nights in Bangkok were spent on the aforementioned Koah San road which was not too dissimilar to a large street in Ibiza. An array of stalls selling everything from t-shirts to pad-thai and even cockroaches and other assorted insects (more on the food later). Most annoying was the offers from the tuk-tuk drivers to take us to "ping pong" shows - the essential gist is that it involves a woman firing various paraphernalia from the vaginal region (including items such as birds, ribbons and razor blades, yet no mention of ping pongs) - such offers would be announced with a sound of hollow lip-smacking, a technique in which I am now practiced. We were also "treated" (I couldn't stress the inverted commas enough) to a foot massage, a rather unpleasant experience during which my gastrocnemii were detached by digital manipulation from the rest of my legs (100 baht for half an hour). For a rather more thorough Thai massage, male customers are offered the almost startling forwardness of a "happy ending" at an additional cost.

Drinking and the people who drink are neither too dissimilar from the party goers flocking to the Iberian coast - bars are armed with a vast arsenal of cocktails that contain far too much ice and are served in novelty glasses. We happened across a on the street bar consisting of a few plastic chairs and a cooler in which all the drinks were set - the fact that it was situated outside a building site only added to the bizarre setting.

The food on the most part is colourful and delicious - it would be pretty safe to order pad Thai from a street vendor on most days of the week, but in some places the cuisine was downright strange. One night we ate on a street cafe which consisted of a straggle of the much-adored plastic furniture and a large vat filled with a glue-like substance which turned out to be my dinner of rice soup: overcooked with lumps of mysterious gristle floating like charges in the murky depths. It didn't look fit to be served in a prison. Two members of the group decided to purchase grasshoppers from a street vendor for some reason or other and while one was finished without complaint, the other was passed around the group to sample - it tasted vile. We also purchased a cockroach - not to eat, but to hide in my bed and resulting in a notasgoodasexpected response on its discovery. However, we became endeared to the cockroach and it was duly appointed holiday mascot - hopefully prompting picture memories such as cockroach on sun lounger on beach, cockroach kayaking, rock climbing, getting drunk etc etc etc.

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