5. 16/07 - 19/07 - Lady Boys 'R' Us

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16/07/07

We set the alarm and got up for 9 on Monday, not great preparation for our marathon journey to Bangkok (we were to due arrive at 05:30 the following day after a taxi, ferry, coach and bus journey). Barrie was feeling a bit pukey (always seems to be the way with him on travel days) but i was feeling pretty excited, well aware that we were just over 24 hpurs away from picking Amy up (finally, someone to do our washing!!). We jumped in the taxi to Thong Sala with Colin MacRae our resident driver (apt because the roads we were on had more pot holes than a fifteen year old with acne). Still, we arrived safely to the most non-descript town in living history. Excitement levels were raised somewhat by a girls discovery of a scorpion in her hand luggage (followed by a typically female over-reaction to the sighting) and Barrie was forced to interject when her boyfriend started emptying her bag item by item, 'surely tipping the lot out would be best'!!!!! The ferry ride was pretty uneventful and was more of a napping opportunity (despite an early night the Ministry was still banging out the tunes).
Back to Bangkok
Matt is Mary Poppins Feed the birds!!!Boring ferry journey was followed by boring coach journey (although we did speak to a couple of Dutch guys who had done a camper trip round Oz and had had their camper broken into, as well as explaining this was common practice, great, can't wait til we do it........We made it to the train station with minutes to spare and once again found ourselves surrounded by locals, not a back-packer in sight (another 12 hours just chatting to Baz, sorry mate). Unbelievably our hostess was the same he/she we had on the way from Bangkok, and luckily she recognised us, and took great pleasure in flirting with Barrie, including playful punching and squeezing of knees (looks like we're sleeping fully clothed tonight). Luckily we did have 1 back-packer join our locals-fest (oh, and i don't mean to sound ungrateful about being surrounded by locals but tje ones on trains always seem to have bird cages and other random luggage, translation, 'fricking-weirdos'). Magoo, who arrived at a later stop, a Spanish backpacker from Madrid was good company, and my ongoing war with the mosquitos (final tally no bites for me, and about 30 dead mossies) kept me entertained. An early night
Back in Bangkok
Kiss the girlsfollowed (no music, what a relief).

17/07/07

After a reasonable nights sleep (Barrie wasn't molested by the he/she, although its been a few days so he may not have put up much resistance) we arrived in Bangkok at about 05:30, and we were thinking, 'lets take it easy, find some breakfast, jump on the internet, the city will be sleeping, we'll be safe'. But oh no, the ladyboy jinx hits again. I'm not kidding, we walk out of the train station at stupid o'clock and notice a couple of butch looking chicks hanging about. So we start walking, relaxed, its early, and surprise, surprise, they start walking towards us, trying to spark up conversation. Now we're usually polite and say 'mai kraph (no thanks)', but we're tired, and slightly exasperated. A quick, leave us alone followed by some walking/jogging got us free, 'WELCOME TO BANGKOK' (its all in the name).

Tired, we wandered the streets of Bangkok in a sleepy daze (at snails pace cos Barrie is still nursing a bad foot after kicking a grain of sand playing beach footie, maybe it was wet, that'd make it really heavy), and against our better judgement jumped in
Back to Bangkok
Strike a pose!!!a Tuk Tuk. Fortunately the usual stitch up/journey to strip club/ping pong show didn't follow, and amazingly we made it to Khao San Road in one piece. We stopped for breakie at 6 and marvelled out how the people in the bar across the road had got up so early to enjoy a beer, then we realised their session was ending, not starting, and suprise, surprise, they were Brits!! After a brief walk we headed for an internet cafe (carrying a full back-pack makes you tout target numero uno) and killed a few hours on the web (forget expanding my horizons, by the time we're back in Blighty i'm gonna be a touch typist and an internet geek, all i need is to bleach my tan off and dye my hair white). After a few hours of killing time and searching for accomodation, we went back to the first one we looked at (typical), and enjoyed our new Air-Conditioned rooms!!! Luxury!!! Fully refreshed after a shower (amazingly the flies stopped following me afterwards), we minced around a Thai market for a while and then stopped at a Veggie restaurant for lunch. Mai Kaidee's was awesome, although i'm not sure mixed
Back to Bangkok
Get your guns out!!!fruit shakes and vegetable and tofu shakes will help with the shrinking biceps (an increasing obsession of mine as Barrie (the bas%^rd) said on the train 'you can notice how much smaller they've got', cheers buddy, the obsession grows!!).

After lunch we jumped in a cab (yet again paid over the odds, 400 Bahts when it should have been 300 Bahts, sucked in every time), and headed for the airport, and Amy (fingers crossed she'll still think i'm buff). We were dropped miles from the arrivals gate (although i suppose we expect crap service when we paid top dollar....) Still, we made it to arrivals and waited patiently for Amy to arrive, although nowhere near the exit gate, why, because everyone in Bangkok is on commission, gets a back-hander or is involved with the Mafia. Consequently the airport police keep anyone who isn't touting taxi services, accomodation or travel tours away from the arrivals area. At times Thailand is fantastic, other times, it makes you wanna punch someone (although the resultant spell in the Bangkok Hilton (prison) is more than motivation enough for me to bitch and moan and not do anything about it, although that isn't entirely different
Back to Bangkok
Hardly a McDonalds but fast fast food!!!from 'UK Matt'). Anyway Amy came through arrivals (without going all emotional/'The OC', about it, was fairly awesome), we grabbed her, although annoyingly she didn't need saving, unlike Barrie and I, she seems to have the ability to say 'No Thanks'. We made it to the taxi rank, decided to use all our new-found Bangkok ability to get a great price on the cab, and paid another 400 Bahts to get home (yes, we are truely and utterly useless....words like chocolate and fireguard come to mind). Back at the Khao San Road we went back out to the veggie place for dinner (v manly), and had a bit of a shock when a rat the size of our rucksacks ran under our table. De-sensitised to rats, coackroaches, open sewers and resultant smells, we laughed about it........how we've changed!!! After a few beers (including 2 jugs of Chang and a Chang Tower, which is 3 litres of the bad stuff in what looks like a giant bong (if you don't know what one looks like, just pop down the local comprehensive, they'll educate you), me getting hustled at pool (by a stitch up merchant, oh sweet irony....), we headed for the
Back to Bangkok
Matt's Dream Amy's NightmareDonna Guest House, and were asleep by 12.

18/07/07

After an early night we woke early on wednesday (oh no, we were still snoozing at 10:30 when Barrie woke us up (amy has jet-lag, i have studentitis)), and headed out for the Grand Palace. Breakfast was orange juice and some pineapple from a street stall, closely followed by getting stopped by one of the many touts who told us the Grand Palace was shut, and that we should try some alternative sights!! We fell for it hook line and sinker, and only some monsoon style rain gave us some thinking time, and we worked out the scam. We told him we were off, which he graciously accepted, before his mate asked me for 20 Bahts, for 'talking'. Now we've crossed this bridge before, i'm tight, so i need to be coerced out of my cash. So his simple request was followed by a chuckle, the first few letters of 'F Off', me biting my tongue and cordially offering, 'No Thanks'. We jumped in a cab and headed for the MBK shopping centre so Barrie could fix his camera (still monk'd) whilst waiting for the weather to improve. Now the MBK is massive, forget West Quay or Gunwharf, this is a colossal shrine to consumerism. You could kill a day here, but on our budget, no chance. Unfortunately all the camera repair shops we're miles away so Amy and I left Barrie to hunt them down, and jumped in a Tuk Tuk (Amy's first time in one of the suicide wagons) and headed for home. We got ourselves organised (and the weather had improved) so we headed back out for the Grand Palace. Amy, being ridiculously practical, decided a map of Bangkok from the Tourist Centre was a good idea (but where is the fun in that, no longer will we stumble across danger and ladyboys at every turn!!), and in fairness it was. A guide book is suicide, the touts see you from a mile off, so we actually enjoyed a few hours sightseeing, checking out the Palace (back tomorrow), the City Pillar (the first wooden beam laid when the city was built), the MoD building and the Wat Mahatat (one of the many, many, many Buddha shrines).

We walked home on a suicide mission (parents please do not read the rest of this sentence), crossing a few four lane highways in rush hour traffic, and Amy and I had a 'chat' about the travel budget. I explained that we would spend 15 pound a day in Asia, cutting back on everything, she cried a bit, i grovelled, pandered to her but eventually she saw sense (women need time to understand things, men are just more gifted and perceptive in this way, discuss........). In budget mode we had a pretty back to basics meal in a shed (sorry Thai cafe in the market), which, in fairness, was pretty awesome (also we were seen as a bit of amusement, which is always fun, and our basic Thai and a few hand gestures got us through). I think these moments are the best when travelling, when you actually get to interact with the locals, and everything seems a little more adventuresome (is that a word). We nipped back to the apartment for a kip, and met up with Barrie before heading out for a Thai massage. Now this was Thai massage no. 2, so we had reference points, we knew what to expect, or not. Now the rule here was men massaged men, women massaged women, Barrie was inconsolable, tears were shed............i think that the fact that Barrie's bloke gave him a 10 minute 'face and hair massage', which was more stroking and carressing rhan anything else, didn't help his 'enjoyment-factor'. Amy and i however got a couple of roughuns. Amy experienced a fair bit of pain, good pain though, as she endured a 1 hr deep tissue massage. My bloke, was, shall we say 'strong'. I don't think i've ever seen a man with bigger forearms than biceps, until now. He was also as strong as an ox, and i'm talking Jon Pearman arm-wrestling strong, those who have gone toe-to-toe with big JP will understand. He pulled me, pushed me, and generally thumbed me into submission, although the burn felt good. Refreshed (and Barrie disturbed, mental scars are often the hardest to deal with), we headed out for dinner and stumbled across Molly's Bar. We enoyed a great meal (Amy had Thai Gravy, which is not unlike British Gravy) and listened to a Thai band, and a chat with a Canadian fella inspired me to get some fitted shirts and a suit the next day (before my crumbling physique........crumbled). A small cockroach incident (i saved the day, eventually grabbing it with no more than toilet paper, a real modern day Tarzan..) finished the day and we had an early night.

19/07/07

An early night (23:00) was followed by an 11:00 start!!! We could kip for England. Yet again we headed out for the Grand Palace but this time we made it!! Ignoring the Tuk Tuks, touts etc, we got there almost blag free.....until......3 Thais offered to give us some popcorn, free, to feed the pigeons. Now Amy was walking away, so it was left to Mug 1 and Mug 2 to get sucked in (when will we learn). In fairness, i quite enjoyed it, having a Doctor Doolittle moment, feeding hungry pigeons from my hand, although them ripping my forearms apart with their talons wasn't too much fun. We were then asked for 450 Bahts for this experience, luckily we got away only 90 Baht poorer, although only after a bit of aggression and refusal on our part (no i haven't grown any balls, the two that asked me were female!!). We limped off to the Palace, and Emerald Buddha, and enjoyed some pretty awe-inspiring moments, as we enjoyed the frescoes, temples, and ostentatious surroundings, all lavishly maintained by an army of artists, gardeners etc. I had a small ice-cream incident, spilling chocolate down me (Amy said if i'm careful in future, i may be allowed another one) but overall, the 3 or so hours we spent there was truely amazing.

Afterwards we headed for the Thieves Market (ideal for Techno Geeks) and China Town, another assault on the senses, and we grabbed some chicken and fruit from the stalls (the result of which mainfested itself in a rather embarassing way). Tired and hot, we jumped in a Tuk Tuk, and headed for home. We chilled out for a bit, joined Barrie in the internet cafe, and stopped for a Chicken Kebab on the way back to the guest house. I was feeling pretty ropey at this stage, sicky etc, but was determined to get my fitted gear. It took the third time of leaving the guest house to actually make it past the end of the street (note to self, do not ignore warning signs). The tailors was great, we picked out a style of suit, fabric (wool and cashmere), and some shirts (Egyptian Cotton and tight!!!), but i felt increasingly worse. I asked him where the toilet was, and made it just in time to yak, big time. 5 minutes later i re-appeared in the tailors, feeling more than a bit awkward, and we continued the fitting. Luckily 10 minutes later i was fleeing for the toilet but it was no longer just the sickness that was an issue (i'm sure you get the picture). I reached the toilet with a huge decision to make, what could i hold longer!!! Luckily i picked right, and i escaped with my dignity, although re-appearing in the tailors was a sobering moment. We tied things up there quickly, and i headed back to bed (or more accurately, the toliet). Delhi Belly Strike One!!!!!

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