You never know what to expect....

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OH MANNNNNNNN

How do I start this off again? Last time it seemed to
work well when I just began to ramble, and although
some told me to stop blabbering, and that you didn’t
miss me enough to read my book, most of you said you
had a good laugh and that I need to write more often.
So if I hear similar responses again from all of you
-- my friends, family, and illegitimate children --
then it will be as we say...A GREEEAT SUCCCEESSS....

I will start from where I last left off and fill in
bits of pieces of how I have made it to where I am
now, alive and still disease free....woo hoo!!!

From the last report, which was pretty much the start
of my teaching career I have learned many things....
probably some things I didn't need too.... about
Thailand and its cultural ways.

As for this whole teaching thing:

My normal teaching day consists of about 3-4 classes
and the average class size is about 50 students.
Their behavior ranges from devil spawn (destined for
the rice patties and hard labor) and knowledgeable
conscious beings (destined to be a soldier or a doctor
etc.) The age range I teach is 12-13 year olds and
16-18 year olds. There isn't a considerable
difference in regards to English comprehension
(sometimes), and to save myself a headache I teach all
the classes the same lesson and adjust it accordingly.
For example a class that has a grasp on some basic
conversation will get a lesson that consists of some
speaking exercises, writing, and perhaps a game. A
class that has poor comprehension, in which the
majority of the students are sleeping or not there,
may be taught the simple "Hello, how are you?" To
which the response %99 of the time is " I AM FINE AND
YOU!?!?!?!" yelled at a level I have come to know as
Thai childish squeal.

The students are broken down into three genders groups
- male, female, and lady boy. Classes are broken down
by level and section; I teach levels 3 and 5 (there
are a total of 6) The levels then have their sections
i.e. 3/1-3/4-5/8 etc. The simple way, usually, to
gauge the class is that if they are a section 1 then
they are calm and collected and if they are section 8
I’ll be lucky if the guys show up and the girls stop
doing their make up for five minutes and stop asking
for my number.

The list of unexplainable events these first weeks
being a teacher could go on forever, some of my
favorite moments have been...rabbits in book bags,
kids lathering themselves with baby powder (they have
this fascination about having a whiter complexion?!?),
girls constantly checking their makeup in pocket sized
mirrors (or the occasional gigantic 10 x 12 inch),
multiple slaps to the back of the head amongst the
guys, menthol sniffers shoved up the nose for extended
periods of time (supposedly their laced with
amphetamines), lady boys randomly shrieking out loudly
and breaking into Thai song (or the ever popular
Brittany Spears) while being cheered on by the other
students to come to the front of the room and perform
such routines etc. And then there is always the ever
present "I love you teacher!!!!" cat calls from the
young girls, I have learned that the easiest way to
get this taken care of is to tell them that I,
teacher, loves them too. The main reason being is
that they already know where I live, it happens to be
very close to school and next to the mini mart that is
the "after school hangout/fighting grounds." So to
avoid being stalked and to not receive late night
13-year-old visitors, teacher makes nice with all.

Another event that I have had the pleasure of being a
part of is a Thai wedding party. To give a small
background on how this came about, my English director
is himself a lady boy or in Thai a Katoy, to put it
simply he is flamboyant gay man who has the most
bizarre laugh I have ever heard in my life, it
actually sounds more like a cackle. Truth be told
every time he laughs I find myself laughing because it
is that hysterical of a noise. His name is Porn Chai,
and his nephew happened to be marrying one of the
teachers from our school. Due to the fact that the
bride is a teacher it is custom for all of the
teachers to be invited, and that means the foreign
English teachers also! Porn Chai simply put it like
this, "You must come to wedding as not to offend the
couple, and you will also bring an exotic feel, one of
importance, with your handsome face and white skin.
Also bring money for gift!" Yea...his words not
mine, which were all followed by his now infamous
cackle. So it was official, we had all been invited,
where to come with a monetary gift, and arrive along
with the other teachers and directors. Between myself
and the other foreign teachers we brought along 1000
Baht gift @ $30, and our appetites. I got dressed up
as I thought would be normal wedding attire, button
down dress shirt, pants, and nice shoes. I was quick
to notice when I first arrived that the dress code was
of no matter, but being the white foreigner it would
not behoove me to come dressed in jeans and a t-shirt
anyway. When we arrive there is a feast for the
eyes.... this doesn’t look like a wedding party but
more of a carnival. There our some large metal
structures which are covered in neon lights and are
spinning in various directions. Some our shaped as
umbrellas, some as stars, and then just some random
shapes and colors spread throughout the grounds. The
party is outdoors, and there are approximately 100 or
so tables strewn about all covered with the local soda
delicacies, cutlery, and of course a bottle of Thai
whiskey. This is to my delight because it seems that
drinking would be the next logical step when arriving
at such a spectacle. We greet the bride and groom
drop of our gift and head in to this neon wonderland
of matrimony. At the front of all the tables is a
very large stage with an extremely gigantic sound
system; this I would soon find out is where the
'entertainment' happens. Shortly after being served
our first course, there would be many, the music
starts blaring at a deafening level. Out comes a man
dressed in a sparkling sliver suit, accompanied by
dancing girls dressed in Thai traditional costume.
The music and vocals are so loud it makes it difficult
to think, but I am forced to smile and nod in approval
because all of the Thais at my table are asking me
"You like? Sing a song? You like?", my response is a
smile and a head bob because I know that they wont be
able to hear what I say so I just go with the general
gestures that depict enjoyment. It turns out to be a
positive because the more I tell them I like the
performances and add a nod n’ smile- the more whiskey
they graciously pour me all the while shouting and
clapping. This goes on for the duration of the meals
and slowly turns into a dance party, not only on the
stage but in the audience as well. Somehow it went
from a Sonny and Cher type of singsong into a
burlesque Moulin rouge bourgeoisie extravaganza.
Girls are on stage gyrating, the clean cut man in the
suit is long gone and has been replace by a Thai
version of the Spice Girls, the lead singer scantily
clad in daisy dukes and a leather sort of sports bra
to which bumping and grinding ensues all over the
stage, and this seems to be the norm as kids, parents,
and drunken attendees dance in front of the stage like
it is the new year and one needs to let loose a bit.
Well they let loose, they let loose all night. I have
a foggy recollection of the rest of the evening as the
endless supply of whiskey flowed onto our tables, and
the thing is even if you wanted to stop drinking you
cant really. Every time my glass would come half-way
finished it was quickly refilled with ice, whiskey, a
dash of soda, and pushed right back in front of me
with a call of "Chai Yo!" from around the table a la
"Cheers" in Thai, and down they went one by one till
it was time to leave. That was quite the scene also
because being the white foreigners it becomes quite
the picture opportunity, we had pictures with the
bride, the groom, the bride and groom, their parents,
their cousins, brothers, sisters, I think even some of
the waiters and waitresses jumped us with the ever
present cell phone camera. We made it out in one
piece and I learned my lesson quickly about Thai
weddings, prepare yourself and leave nothing important
to accomplish the following day.

The next important part of the Thai saga would be my
attending the one and only FULL MOON PARTY. As for
all the details some must be left out, as I believe
some former employers are on this email, to put it
simply it is kin to the likes of Fear and Loathing in
Las Vegas, Burning Man type scene, but on a beach in
paradise somewhere down the south coast. The journey
began at about 3 a.m. when my fellow teacher, Darrin
from Philly, and myself arrived at the airport. We
didn’t get too drunk in Bangkok as to be careful not
to miss our 6 AM fight, but drank enough to prepare us
for sleeping in the airport. It didn’t make sense to
get a hotel room for such a short time I wouldn’t
spend the extra money anyway it was going to get spent
all weekend, why pay to sleep somewhere when you can
do it for free and get a few more drinks when you may
most need them! To our surprise as we left our early
breakfast meal we passed a Muslim prayer room on the
way back to the terminal. This may sound odd and not
entirely politically correct, but when there was a
choice between sleeping on metal benches or a room
filled with rugs you better believe I am going in for
the rugs. Plus there was already someone sleeping in
there that had wrapped themselves in a shroud and was
sound a sleep. Granted they may have been of the
Muslim faith, but, we followed suit and covered our
faces with T-shirts and used our bags as pillows, put
on the I-Pods set an alarm and gave ourselves a 30
minute window to check in and head to our flight. It
was about 2 hours into this nap and I suppose it was
sunrise, because I awoke during prayer session. I
didn’t want to get up or anything so I slid my t-shirt
off of my eyes a bit to take a look what was
happening. I saw about 50 pairs of bare feet
clambering around my head and a series of loud chants
thrown in. I decided it was in my best interest to
remain on the floor and make my exit once things were
all said and done. The alarm went off an hour or so
later we shot up and headed out to catch the flight,
there were some mean glances thrown our way as we
exited but nothing too bad, kind of like "Hey, why
the fuck are you sleeping in here for???" stuff,
nothing to harsh...yea...so.... with a few hours rest
and a sense of karma that was like well our plane will
either be struck down by Allah or we will make it, we
made it. Arriving at the island of Ko Samui where we
caught a ferryboat another hour to the island of Ko
Phangan, which is the home of this mystical FULL MOON
PARTY. Arriving on the island we were notified by
some of our fellow teachers who we were reuniting with
for the party and one of our good mates birthdays that
we should make our way to Had Riin beach because it
was where the debauchery was to do down. Jumping on
the first motorcycle to offer a cheap fair we rode 3
deep on a scooter with all of our bags. This was more
of a white knuckle experience than skydiving, I
literally did fear for my life more than once on the
ride and it was usually when the motorbike driver, a
boy of about 15 years, would gun it down the hills so
as to give us enough momentum to make it up the
following hill...pure adrenaline.... nothing like
preparing yourself for a FULL MOON PARTY than having a
few mini heart attacks as a pre game warm-up. We
arrived in Had Riin alive and shaking to meet the rest
of our posse. We acquired the last of the rooms at
Friendly Bungalows and boy were they friendly, about
$20 American for all 8 of us to cram in one room,
didn’t matter because we all were stuck on the fact
that none of us would be sleeping that night anyway so
who needed beds! A short walk about the island and
towards the beach and it was quickly realized this was
going to be a doozie, there were foreigners all over
the place and we decided to crack a bottle of Johnnie
Walker at about 12 noon. Liquor and tourists in
Thailand is quite the concoction for an all out
bender. It was not before long when night was upon
us, a few 'happy shakes' later from our good friend
Sam at the Purple Haze bar got the party really off to
a strong start, a preparty at the bungalows led to our
arrival at the beach for about midnight. It was a
sight to see, there were more people than I had ever
seen on a beach let alone one under a full moon out in
the middle of the ocean somewhere. There are openings
to DJ shows and beach bars up and down the shore all
packed to capacity. All types of freak shows were
amongst the partygoers, drugged up, drunken, neon body
paint covered partying ensued for all and it was a
blur till some point at around 7 am when I found
myself back at our 'afterparty' where we managed to
polish off a few more drinks before succumbing to a
slumber that lasted a solid 2 hours... luckily due to
the fact I had no teaching that week I was able to
stay down in the islands and partied my self between
Ko Phangan and Ko Samui and returned to Bangkok about
5 days later. For those of you that I will see in
March here in Thailand….there is one on the 21st of
the month….book flights accordingly to ensure this is
experienced by your mind body and soul!!!!

There is many more tales to add to this thing but I
know it is long as is and there are only a few of you
left still reading this. I hope this sheds some more
light on the life on this side of the world, there are
many more tales to tell and at the end of the day I am
usually teaching here in good ol’ Angthong….but it has
been such an experience to get out there and be
amongst other aspects of this culture that makes it
all worth it.

In next months episode:

Being part of an annual parade…that included being
dressed like Aladdin….
A Thai pop concert
The King Majesty’s 80th birthday celebration (more
fireworks than I've ever seen)
What I get to do on Christmas (perform in front of
3000 people, no song chose as of yet…)


Always representing New York City well - love peace
and chicken grease….


HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALLLLL!

HO! HO! HO!


Eric “send me a Christmas present” Clark

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