All creatures great and small (some of them are on my wall)

---

I have been able to share my room from time to time with several uninvited guests here in tropical Sri Lanka, and some of these fellows haven’t made it through the entirety of their intended stay thanks to various weapons at my disposal. A regular visitor in many rooms here has the scurrying gait of a large beetle and the battle-hardened, aggressive appearance of a cockroach - a weird hybrid of both these creatures. On the one occasion that the ‘mother’ of all big bugger beetle-cockroaches found him/herself in my room, it came second in a hard-fought battle with my industrial-strength vermine-killing spray, acquired in the household poisons section of the local Keells supermarket. In this and subsequent incidents the carcass of the evil-looking insect always seems to end up on its back, and eventually attracts other much smaller insects who attack it all over again a second time.

Now geckos - they surely do have their uses and you have to be very grateful for the thankless work they carry out on our behalf. The most abundant and regularly irritating animal around these parts is that harbinger of doom, the murdering mosquito, but fortunately he lies directly beneath the lovely gecko in the food chain and for this we thank the sucker-footed green machine who defies gravity on my wall and eats the buzzing little pests at every opportunity. There is an obvious case for breeding more and more of these champs in order to wipe out the entire mosquito population - who should I see about this?

Coping with small, insignificant spiders is straightforward to feeble Brits like me, and in any case the chances of meeting your maker due to anything remotely venomous (in the UK at least) are restricted to an unlucky nip you may receive from a viper, and thankfully this is of course remarkably rare. The eight-legged devil that arrived rent-free on my bedroom wall recently, had all the hallmarks of something that was definitely life-threatening - a really menacing looking bugger - and I mentioned this to my friend and landlord, Lalit, thrusting a digital camera image of the ‘accused’ towards him in order to demonstrate my concern. Lalit just laughed at me and told me to go to bed. I felt rather foolish when I sensed this mischievous tone, but still the arachnid definitely had the look of someone, or at least something, that wanted to eliminate me by a little bite in the middle of the night, and I had visions of choking to death in two seconds after a poisonous bite from the hairy beast. Somewhat like a villain in one of those ageing James Bond films - probably a Moore one rather than a Lazenby, Connery or Brosnan one. I was relieved to find that I was still breathing when I awoke the next morning, and that the monster spider had kept his side of the bargain by remaining at his end of the room while I stayed at mine. Strictly speaking, Buddhist teachings suggest that animals should not be killed, and as I was dipping my toes into this spiritual pool during the trip, I was quietly pleased with myself for giving the incy wincy spider a stay of execution. At this point I had conveniently forgotten the previous fate of the beetle-cockroach suffered at the expense of my insect spray.

The very next night I cautiously entered my room to retire to bed, and glanced across each wall and each corner in turn, in order to assess the likely dangers posed during the subsequent sleeping hours. The coast seemed clear and the huge spider from the previous evening, which had the abdomen of a large, hairy kiwifruit with pipe-cleaners for legs, had obviously chosen the lair of another unsuspecting victim elsewhere. I wasn’t sorry to see him go. After a spot of cautious reading, however, a slightly smaller relative of the guest from the night before (but nonetheless still hairy and scary) suddenly appeared, and was half-way down a thread of web hanging down from the ceiling very close to the edge of my bed when I noticed him. Immediate action was needed and all thoughts of appropriate, peaceful, enlightening Buddhist behaviour were as far from my mind as they could be as I reached for my weapon of choice, another highly powerful anti-spider, anti-beetle, anti-cockroach all-in-one spray. It took nearly half the can to bring the perisher down and eventually exterminate him, and finally I could sleep in peace, at least until some other life-threatening force of nature entered my room.

HOTEL SERVICES
My stay at Lalit’s ended after around a week of socialising with him and his family, scrumptious home-cooked Sri Lankan meals and of course the aforementioned perilous ventures into my bedroom each night to identify how I was about to be bitten or stung to death in my sleep. The Juliana Hotel, situated in a more central position in Colombo, and my next port of call for a few days, offered none of these things. The spotless, comfortable rooms proved unpopular with animals of any sort, which was a relief, and the establishment didn’t even have a restaurant. However, the crisp new sheets each night were very welcome, and the fact that they formed part of a very large bed in my room, rather than an under-sized Sri Lankan single one that I’d become used to, was okay with me. At least for a while my feet would not be left exposed, hanging out of the end of the bed and therefore available to hungry nocturnal mozzies. Catching up with some TV and some much-needed personal laundry (need not go into too much detail here) were also happy by-products of staying at the £17 per night hotel on the Galle Road. On the face of it, this place seemed to lack a little character, perhaps because of the absence of a bustling eatery or even a coffee-shop for its guests, although this bothered me little when I checked in. Having mentioned the name of the hotel to some friends though, and being met with strange sniggers in the process, I realised quite soon that there were, apparently, ‘characters’ who offered certain services up on the top floor. I recalled that on entering my room, having the TV, air-conditioning and security safe instructions explained to me, the room boy had also mentioned a ‘genuine Thai body massage, available in the penthouse’. I suspected that from the chuckling response from my friends when the ‘Juliana Hotel’ was identified as my next temporary home, this service offered by the hotel masseuse was perhaps one of several that were available to guests, although I never found out for sure. My room is on the second floor and that’s the highest I have been since my stay began.

COMMENTARY COMMENT
Cricket commentary in Colombo has re-started now that the one-day series between Australia, New Zealand and England has begun, and I was delighted to receive the payment for the previous work I’d carried out on the day of the second match in this latest series. By local standards the rate of pay for cricket commentary is very generous, and I was therefore able to upgrade my accommodation slightly for the remainder of my trip as well as having sufficient funds to undertake some necessary dental treatment (more of that later).

COACH MIKE
Coaching cricket at schools in Sri Lanka has been a winter hobby for some time, and in order to broaden the experience I have also recently taken to coaching at a first-class cricket club here in Colombo, too. The players have been fully prepared to accept different input in the hope that their performances could improve, and for me this has been the most refreshing difference between coaching in the UK and operating here in Sri Lanka. In some cases players are only offered coaching during the early part of their school years, when they are starting out as cricketers, and then they are left to their own devices to make further improvements as they begin to develop their game. By raising more self-awareness among these players largely through video analysis, I was able to assist the existing local coaches during the many practice sessions that were conducted.

OLD JOE
I recently attended an informal night out with my friend Harsha and some of his old school pals who all participated in the same first eleven cricket team years back, and I guess I was the honorary ‘Old Joe’ among the small crowd, who were alumni from St Joseph’s College in Colombo. The venue was the bar above an Indian restaurant in town, named the Curry Leaf, and not for the first time during my trip a few rounds of karaoke were the order of the day later on into the evening. A bottle of something rather potent was shared among the guys and this of course served to remove inhibitions as even the blatantly tone-deaf were lured towards a microphone from time to time for the murdering of a few classics. Even the teetotal Chaminda, a close pal of Harsha’s since school days and now a successful international cricketer, demonstrated his vocal talents when some Singhalese ditties were on offer late into the night. The prevalence of ‘local’ lyrics on the various screens in the establishment was reason enough for me to politely decline the chance for a warble, and for this I was grateful as I am a paid-up member of the tone-deaf club.

HEALTH TOURIST
Before my travels began a very rare visit to my dentist was in order (I am not a regular client), and after an examination some root canal treatment was suggested. When the exorbitant quotation for this private work was proferred I almost broke a couple more teeth when I fell down in horror on the reception floor, and I soon began wondering whether I should sell my car in order to raise the funds to repair the dodgy molar. It occurred to me that many of the medical staff in Sri Lanka were likely to be pretty damned useful with a scalpel/drill/suction machine (whatever) in their hands, and I therefore sought the advice of some friends here in order to identify a recommended dentist in Colombo to get the work carried out. The huge potential saving was just too great to resist and I am considering employing a local to deliver the treatment. Having enjoyed a convivial consultation at the dental surgery - the experienced chap (trained in the UK, a good sign I thought) was happy to discuss my overseas trip and the state of local cricket at least as much as he was my dental condition - I now await an x-ray in order to establish the course of action to be taken, as well as likely costs.

Talking of medical matters, following local trials here in Sri Lanka a scientist has successfully cloned his own genes. He was so thrilled, he was beside himself.

---

Photos

It had a foot-wide leg span, I swear
This one survived

Friendly chap...I think
Cute....or menacing?

Mount Lavinia Hotel
Think I'll stay here next time! In the meantime I'll just use the facilities...

Mike and Harsha
At the Fingara Indoor Cricket School, Colombo

Another sport left by the 'Britishers'
It took Harsha some considerable time to tell me he was a junior snooker champion in Sri Lanka, and try as I might I have yet to take a frame off him in four years!

Chaminda and Harsha
Opening bowlers, St Josephs College Colombo, First XI, 1989-1991

Army vehicle checkpoint, central Colombo
Almost got a gun in my face taking this pic