the first of the many steps towards realization

---

there is something people dont know about me.

i hated traveling alone. it was not because i cannot take care of myself. it was because i wasn't ready to do the things i wanted to do alone, and more so on the responsibility of remembering them when i am back from the holidays. aftermaths are very important to me, because these are the ones you remember after you stopped remembering the actual events. i was scared because i might do the things that would trigger my awakening.

you know, the real purpose of my existence.

i am not so scared anymore; a little perhaps, but nothing more. i am getting frustrated though, because there is so much i want to put in my travelling bag and i cannot just make them all fit. there is something bad about being petite; you could only carry so much. although i gained ten pounds in the last ten months, my 95-lb. weight would only let me carry a traveller's backpack, a paper bag and a survival jug.

i could forego the paper bag but i want to bring buckey with me. you know, my four-year old stuffed dog. besides, i need my journal and my pen where i can easily retrieve them. and the map, too. the survival jug is another thing. i have plastic utensils there. better safe than sick and im doing this for father; it freaks him out whenever i use public utensils when i eat out.

i do not really have plans not bringing a mobile phone. david will freak out too, if i dont. besides, this is not a self-exile journey. i do not have plans to evaporate from everybody to planet nowhere. i would still like to keep in touch, my current world is too beautiful to be forgotten. so, i will bring my mobile phone. i'd just use a new number.

mother did ask me if i have plans after this. i could not go on travelling forever. philippines only has 7,100 island, and not all of them logical enough to land my feet on. and i only had so much cash. if i knew i would do this one day, i would haved saved for it the moment i started working. but then, if i knew i would do this one day, i wouldnt be so corporately successful and thus, wouldn't be paid enough. i told her i do have plans; i did not lie to her. i do have plans, and i will know them after this journey.

i briefly saw paul bettany's butt on t.v. as heath ledger looks on to him strutting away before i turn it off. i've watched "a knight's tale" many times already i could vividly memorize how his butt looks like. i adore paul bettany, him and his british humour. he reminds me so much of david, that or the other way around.

i locked my backpack and called it a night at 4am. i was in no hurry to sleep. i could wake up at noontime or 1 pm and it does not change anything. i want to start my journey in a time i am comfortable starting it. besides, this is the time where time does not matter so much. money does, though. but this is not a holiday, or vacation as americans call it. i do not need a fancy hotel or a fancy resort for this. not anymore.

if i go broke before i officially end the journey, then you will know. you ask how?

i will be back with my sorry ass going corporate again.

---