HelLao

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I use the pun in the title not to describe this nation, but the journey it took to get here!

on 22nd I got a bus from Hoi An to Savannakhet, with an arrival and duration time of 24 hours, starting 7.30am

By 7.30am I'd not even left Vietnam, a distance of about 80miles. Tops. I arrived here in Savannakhet some 35 hours later. Here's the long and short of it (i.e. the long - sorry!)

I left Hoi An with an angry man on the bus jabbing his finger at a bunk (t'was a sleeping bus) and saying "YOU - THERE!" Fortunately a local over his shoulder saw my plight and shook his head at me, indicating I can take any bunk I like. So I did. With this man, he gave me bread so I gave him a ritz cracker and a cigarette. He seemed pleased with the exchange. After teaching him to say hello for a while I got stuck into the lonely planet to do some reading about Laos - a country I'm afraid I'm quite ignorant of, failing to find a book about it. This was the first in a long jouney of not only being the only westerner on board, but the only English speaker of any kind - no one else had a word between them.

Leaving Hoi An, I arrived in Hue (60 miles up the coast) 4 hours later, and the angry man jabbed at me again and pointed outside. I got off, obligingly, only to learn I had to wait in Hue for 4 hours for the connecting bus. Thought I should make the most of it. The only problem was that I had 5000 dong to my name (about 10p), so activities were limited. A bloke approached me and offered to take me round the pagodas around the town - I explained I couldn't take his offer as I had no money. And, do you know, for the first time in Vietnam, he said he didn't want any money and meant it, so for an hour he took me around some places, told me about the history, and explained that since the weather was dismle and drizzly, he wasn't going to get any work any way. After an hour I asked him to take me back largely because I felt bad about taking potential business from him. Good job, because when we got back he picked up a client for a tour for 100 000 dong. I tried to give him my money, but he refused (probably a little insulted at being bunged 10p, but accepted a couple of cigarettes as good will).

Thereafter I sauntered into town and met up with an English/Scottish group, meandering the city - ended up having a great time, particularly as I realised I still had an emergency 500 000 dong note in my wallet, which I then attempted to spend before I left. Not necessary, I later learned.

I got on another bus, again the only whitey, and again the only english, and again an angry man pointing at me again. I managed to throw some ritz crackers at passengers again as a goodwill gesture, greatfully exchanged for these disgusting crisps, which I gagged down with a forced smile and 'delicious' face. Barely two hours later, having advanced 20 miles up the coast to Dong Ha, angry man #2 jabbed at me, yelling. I said I didn't understand, in Vietnamese, and the passengers offered their sympathies and, I think, told angry man to stop being a meany. He skulked off the bus and, joy of joys, an English speaking genius called Mr. Hoa came on and explained that I had to spend the night in the town, and said he'd take me to a hotel. At the bus depot there were a couple of English people so, joy of joys, I revelled in speaking blighty talk without fear of not knowing what the hell anyone is saying.

I got on the back of a bike with Hoa (pronounced like whoare) and we went off. He shouted over his shoulder that he could take me to a hotel for $8 or I could stay at his house for 5. It is a great regret that I opted for the hotel option since my brother Ed advised me to say 'yes' while I'm away. I think it would have been very interesting, having only stayed in hotels, hostles and guest houses. But I was so bamboozled by the day I wanted to crawl into bed with BBC World News and escape the complication. As it turned out, I got to the hotel and proceeded with receptionist banter, innevitably ending, as it does, with her mother asking whether we (i.e. me and the daughter) could get married.

Next morning at 6am, sure enough Hoa was knocking at the door. I asked him how I would get a ticket, what would happen over the boarder and how I would end up in Savannakhet.

"Don't worry, be happy" he said. So I remembered the first commandment of travelling - go with the flow.

I got on a mini bus absolutely packed full of Vietnamese all seemingly with whooping cough and seemingly openly aiming it at me. I experienced an uncomfortable 3 hours hugging my knees and trying just to breathe through my nose. Yet again, the only westerner in sight (and only English speaker). Once we were somewhere near the border, a woman approached the van and explained that she would take me through the border. Obeying the first commandment, I got off. She took me into a house across the street, showed me to the bathroom and (seeing I needed it) gave me a beer. I was relieved that she mentioned Mr. Hoa, so after my rest she offered to change some Dong for me into Lao Kip. Having spent all my dong asap I had only 50 000 left. She chucked, shook her head and handed me 10 000 kip. I shrugged, and got on the bike.

Just before the border she pointed in the direction I should walk, so I did, and eventually found a window called departures. Not having any money left, I couldn't slip a 10 000 dong note into my passport, as everyone else was doing, to speed up the process, so I had to wait whilst the guy rifled through my passport for 10 minutes, like it was a magazine. I contemplated sliding through a few cigarettes, but thought better, and waited it out.

The walk into the Laos side was easy enough, and my rule that if you look like you know where you are going, you can sometimes get away with it worked, bypassing several controls such as health and what-not. I arrived at the Laos side and there was Mai (the woman from the motorbike) pointing at the Visa window. I had $43 left with me so I enquired with sign language how much I needed to pay. The visa man pushed a calculator towards me with the 40 figure on it. He drummed his fingers, leafed through the pages, so with a weary sigh I pushed two dollars towards him and he immediately stamped it and handed it back, with a look to say "see, that wasn't too hard, was it?" My lady with the motorbike was there again, pointing at an ATM. "Thank God" I thought before both my cards were rejected outright by the machine. 'This could get complicated' the old noggin announced. I moved to get Mai's bike, who commented on my bank rejection with a laugh and shrug. "No!" she said, "You can't ride with me, you're in Laos now." Obeying the first commandment, I didn't question it, but got on a rickity motorbike with some bloke (there were no rests to put my feet, no speedomoter, no gas indicator and it kept backfiring. "welcome to the People's Republic of Laos", I thought) to the bus station.

With Mai hot on the tail I arrived at the bus station, although I use the term loosely. There were a couple of pigs and some worn-out rust piles sitting in a courtyard. 'Thank God I'm not in that bus' I thought, looking to a clapped-out death trap, mostly without windows, which was being filled with livestock and being covered in cargo, tied onto the roof just like dad used to do on holiday. Mai was pointing enthusiastically at the bus. I sighed, unsurprised. I asked Mai how I would get a ticket. She handed me 40 000 Kip and said "have a good trip" before scurrying onto her motorbike and sailing off before I could get a word in. I got on the bus, stepping over piles of bags of corn and rice in the gangway, over a chicken in a cage (I shit ye not), and settled down to hug my knees and bag.

As it turns out, the busses aren't just passenger busses, they are loaded to the tits with cargo - corn, rice, drinks, animals, and last and least, people. A little into the trip I noticed that the sides of the bus were folding in at sharp turns, and yet more and more people were being picked up and dropped off at the roadside. Oh, the seats are full now, I thought, so no one else can get on. WRONG, O'Meara, WRONG. The gangway full of produce and people, two to a seat (I now felt like a I was in a jar) and, yet again, I was the only westerner and only whitey aboard, as well as the only English speaker. I tried to test my Lao on my neighbour but it seemed that the pronunciation of even the most basic phrases was drastically off. Howe'er, I resolved that I would not sit there brooding, so tried to make contact with that universal creature, a baby, offering him a ritz cracker which he gobbled down, and playing peekaboo games to the delight of his mother and grandmother (I presumed) who managed to gabble out the words 'good man', which I took to be a positive sign.

I cannot recall how often the bus stopped - dropping off and picking up people, goods, piss stops, smoke stops, all just at the roadside. We stopped at a place where dozens of girls came rushing towards us with meat on sticks, and I decided not to try to explain that 1. I'm a vegetarian and 2. I only have 10 000 kip (which I need to get to the centre from the bus station once I reach Savan), so I kept my head down. The family of the baby offered me some produce, so we had fun while I tried all sorts of unidentifiable stuff and made faces, which they thought hilarious. I've probably got parasites in my stomach from the congealed produce, but at least it entertained some people.

Needless to say (as in 'pins and needles') my legs were in a right state when I got to Savannakhet after another five hours hugging my knees. Bizzrely, when I arrived I was not hounded by tuk-tuk drivers, but instead they shrugged, nodded, took me where I wanted then took as payment whatever I offered, which in my case was 10 000 kip. I then found another ATM. I put my card in, selected 800 000 kip before it said: Available finds: 0

Darn, I thought, before it fired out my card and a load of kip (800 000, it turned out). I sighed with relief before thinking 'I wonder what state my account is in. Ignorance is bliss, I thought, and decided to be grateful for the bunce.

It's an eery place, I've been walking around for an hour now and no one has hassled me, no one followed me saying "you buy, you buy" "tuk-tuk" "hey! motorbike!" or "you want boom-boom?" After 4 weeks of this, I felt relieved but a little disappointed...

Well bloody done if you read this far, God bless you, ma'am!

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