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Published: June 16th 2006
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Scenery I
Although it'd be nice for completeness's sake to post pictures of all the lovely ladies, I feel that would cross the fine line between personal post and brash callousness. So, enjoy the pretty countryside. Despite the disclaimer in my "about me" section, one of the true purposes of this weblog is to help me not forget the lessons I've learned in my travels. Years later, I can blow the digital dust off my archived copies of this post and remember what it was like in Japan. I came here seeking something internal, but I rely on the external circumstances to bring forth the revelations that shape who I am.
That being said, this post is going to be a little ridiculous for readers other than me (namely, everyone else in the world who can read this). So, sorry. You're going to be privy to a rather unprecedented level of candidacy from me, and there are some people I normally wouldn't communicate this to.
Mom, please don't tell me if you read this.
Disclaimers aside, my life has gone somewhat insane since Di was taken with the idea of living with me this summer, an offhand comment I made jokingly. It'd be fun, of course, but it'd take Japan to that whole level of drama that already infected Stanford, the creeping tendrils of which I had hoped to escape in flying halfway around
Scenery II
A nice park. the world. Nonetheless, I figured that - as usual - reality would persevere in its course and things would not simply happen for the sake of drama. Essentially, living with Di would be simply wonderful or painfully bad. I haven't heard back yet, but it probably won't happen. Nonetheless, it made me revisit how I feel about relationships.
One of the things that many people I've talked to this year have struggled with is the unfortunate separation between reality and the idea of romance Disney promised us with. After talking with a couple of the guys after a few beers over here, I decided that I, too, probably had unrealistically high expectations of The Lady that I sought. "At some point," I was told, "you have to either adapt those expectations or expect the very real possibility of living without ever finding that." Life alone sounds like a bad deal, so I decided it was probably time to change. Eh, it's okay if you're not madly in love with her; it'll make you happy, superficially for a while, and then eventually a deep connection will develop by default after such a long time together.
The slight sarcasm in
Scenery III
Another nice park. my tone arises mostly from my change in opinion: although I haven't completely changed from that idea, relationships take a lot of friggin' time. Time I could continue to spend on my narcissistic self-improvement (guitar, style, exercise, languages, humor, conversation) in the hopes of more opportunities, better job, more friends, etc. Or time I could spend on other fun things that I enjoy, with a higher fun-return than being with a girl I don't care about or who doesn't really care about me.
Tangentially, another concept I've been mulling over is the seemingly inverse relationship between pleasurable activities and personal growth. Many things that make you feel great really have little long-term merit. This is actually the reason I gave up computer games: they are truly one of the most fun things that you can stimulate your brain with, but ultimately I feel dissatisfied. I haven't accomplished anything, learned a new skill, or improved myself at all. In talking to other Stanford students, this seems like a common idea - rather than being perennially high or whatever (an admittedly enjoyable state, no doubt), people try to focus on learning something: surfing, guitar, exercise, whatever. I don't know if this is a good thing or not; obviously, some balance is required between the two, but it is an observation.
So, anyway, I lowered my defenses against asking for phone numbers, asking people out on dates, etc. And much to my surprise, I got *many* affirmative responses. Many responses, across the demographics. Suddenly, I was going after somewhere between four and six girls simultaneously, running the gambit from the 19-year old artsy girl to the graduated professional microchip designer with a rockin' convenient apartment near Kyoto station. Again, understand this is intended to be self-instructive, not braggadocio. More than anything else, my success truly is due to the indoctrination of "Western = HOT" into these girl's minds.
This turned out to be disastrous for me. Suddenly it was physically impossible to attain enough sleep and still stay in touch with everyone, I was continually lost (where am I now?), and my phone bled its money in rivers. In a matter of days I used up my prepaid phone, and had to get it refilled (this is hard to do at 4 cents per message), I was continually juggling obligations, homework, and group projects (I never have been able to use a planner, so it's all in my head). I had no anchor around which my life swung or a pattern to daily life.
Oddly enough, though, I was / am really happy. It's a strange dichotomy: I'm far more used to the "I approve of who I am, despite that I'm not happy right now" mode of existing, but for the first time was experiencing a "Wow, I'm really happy. I'm constantly surrounded by beautiful and intelligent girls who really do care for me. But ... I don't really approve of who I am." Although I haven't done any DTRs or become anyone's boyfriend, I still feel uncomfortable about the situation. I'm sure these girls don't know I'm dating anyone else, much less a whole lot of someone elses.
People always say that you should try new things when abroad, but I forgot that abroad is someone else's home. These girls are living their normal lives - while it's all fun for me, since I'm treating it like a vacation, I'm carelessly meddling in other people's actual lives. I'm slowly remedying the situation, but I can't undo the damage, and giving up on girls is hard. I love the attention, yo.
~Danny
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