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Published: December 17th 2006
Gilli Air
My balcony, the balcony of dribble.Do read yourself a bedtime story, tuck yourself in and doze off to sleep.
Do not wake up when a hairy monster touches you in the night because it will surely give you a nasty fright.
Do however turn on your trusty head torch, which you hold in your hand, and startled the little fella in the face. Make light of the situation when you realise it is a nice looking incredibly scared baby rat. It will make you feel a lot better.
Do not however say hello to it, fall out of your bed get entangled within your mosquito net with the baby rat as you will inevitable meet his bigger brother and wake your neighbours up.
An excerpt from the December issue of "How not to Travel" by Philip Panchenko in shops soon.
Previous incidents and other helpful advice follows:
Do not be worried when you return to your accomadation at Tao Kombo on Gilli Meno island to find you have not got the keys, because remember, your bungalow doesn't even have any walls let alone a door.
Do not rent a mountain bike on the gilli islands cause you
will just be paying for a heavy piece of machinary to carry around for two hours in the sweltering heat because as much as you try to ride your bike you will not be able to move on the sandy paths and inevitably fall off and nearly get run over by a horse.
Do not keep trying to ride your mountain bike around the island in an attempt to get your moneys worth because you definately will not get very far.
Do not get a throat infection which is so painful you can swallow anything unless you take paracetamols.
Do not run out of these paracetamols in the night because you will find it unbearable to swallow and inevitably dribble all over your bed for 5 hours and not get any sleep. Your bed will get so wet that you will have to sit on a chair on your balcony and dribble over the edge for another hour.
Do however realise you have had a paracetamol in your pocket the whole of this time that you will hapilly take to help sooth the pain so you can finally get some rest.
Do not get any
rest though because it is already daylight and you have to see the doctor, so get out of bed you lazy bastard you've done nothing all day but lay around.
Do not walk in and found a man with his pants down in the main reception area of clinic.
Do not apologize to this half naked man, surely he should be apologizing to you for the shock you had.
Do however go outside and make sure it is a clinic you have just walked into.
Do tell the doctor that you have a throat infection as it hurts when you eat and drink and ask him to have a look and tell you what he thinks. He will shine a touch, that looks remarkably like the one you lost a couple of days ago on the island, down your throat and cry 'EEERRRRGGGGHHHH!'.
That will make you feel much better and you will thank him for it.
He will say 'Throat infection', with a triumphant smile 'that why hurt when swallow'.
You will thank the doctor again and think no wonder they stuck him in the middle of the island.
Do however
accept his fine present of a bag of antibiotics and paracetamols as they will make you feel better and give him a present of 50,000 rupiah for his trouble.
Januarys issue will be out very shortly.
Till next time my friends, and remember kids, don't do anything I would do or have done!! Ever!! This job is strictly for professional idiots like me. Stay safe!!
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