a quiet new year's eve on the ganges

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hello everyone! it is new year's eve in rishikesh- and i wanted to get one last entry out to you all before 2005 😊 so far my week in rishikesh has been interesting. christmas was fun and probably the most unique way i have ever spent it! on christmas eve day i went to a celebration put on by the local orphanage. the kids dressed up and did a rendition of rudolph the red nose reindeer. it was a riot! i also got to hear christmas carols i thought i might miss out on this year- my favorite being good ol' bing crosby singing white christmas 😊 then on christmas day i went to a satsang- spiritual teaching- by a rastafarian ekhart tolle whose teaching is all about being in the now. for dinner some fellow satsangers and i went to a nice italian/indian place and had a quiet dinner. it was really nice and peaceful. although i really missed being with my family. i didn't think it was going to be such a big deal- i figured i had many more years of christmases with them. but on the actual day i was really sad and i cried periodically thinking about them 😞 i also realized how much i missed the actual celebration of christmas. i thought i was going to be happy missing it this year just to get a reprieve from all the consumerism that is so prevalent in america. we start displaying christmas stuff after halloween for crying out loud! but being here and not seeing anything christmas-y really showed me what it was like without christmas. and after careful consideration i have decided that i love christmas and i think i can put up with the consumerism 😉

since christmas i have run into all kinds of characters! i met a swami who was sitting on the roof of his abode and called down to me while i was walking from laxman jhula to ram jhula (one bridge to another- about 2km). he was sitting serenely on the rooftop meditating- but when he saw me this huge smile broke out on his face and asked me where i was from and chatted with me a while. he exuded such happiness and peace that after our brief encounter i was beaming! soon after i met him though i met a dog that broke my heart 😞 there are lots of dogs that run around here free as a bird and scrounging for food. this particular dog has a skin disease and his hair is falling off. it was early in the morning and still cool and he was shivering and looking for something to eat. when i saw him he was sniffing at cow dung and began to lick it! i said 'no! don't eat that!' and i tried to give him my apple and orange- but apparently dogs don't like apples and oranges. but he just stood there shivering and cowering looking at me with these deep, soulful eyes as though hoping i had something else to offer. when he realized i didn't he went back to the cow dung. my heart broke right then and there and i reached my hand out to touch him when this sadhu ran up to me and motioned not to touch him! so i didn't (and yes i realize now that was a stupid move on my part- but you had to see this dog- i just wanted to let him feel like he was loved). so right then and there i broked down sobbing on the sidewalk and the sadhu just stood with me and patted my back and wiped my tears away with my shawl. finally i stopped crying and we parted ways. but for the rest of the day i could not stop thinking of the poor dog 😞

i also met a yogi who lives in a little hut on the beach and teaches yoga classes. he has a certificate on his wall from a big yoga university- so he apparently one day had money and went to college. but he has now chosen to renounce all worldly things and has only that which is essential for him to survive. he invited me for chai- which i politely refused- but i stayed to chat. he said he teaches yoga but does not want money for it. perhaps some chai or some chapati- meaning he would take food- but not money! and then he went on in broken english to tell me how many of these ashrams are just out for the money and how that is not true yoga. i agreed with him wholeheartedly. i don't want to study at some big place with a known name and beautiful architecture that is charging tons of money. i want to find someone i can learn from that is simple and wise- who teaches from their heart. i have yet to find that on this trip- something that is kind of frustrating me. it is taking me a lot to remember to just be in the now, be present and not have expectations. everything is happening in it's due time. it's not always easy to remember that though when i want to answers and i want them now! haha 😉

i have made a few friends- mostly people that own shops that i occasionally stop to talk to. one friend i have made from london is named keith. when i first got to rishikesh we happened to be across from one another at the first hotel i stayed at. i then ran into him at the christmas play and we have hung out since then. he is a really cool guy- and a lot like me in his need for space and alone time. so being friends with him is cool because he isn't all offended when i want to be alone or i am in a funk. we were talking about where we had been before and he said he was in mcleod ganj before rishikesh. i told him i had been there as well. later on though we were talking and then all of sudden we realized we had seen eachother once at a music shop in mcleod ganj! which was really weird because prior to this realization neither of us had remembered that- until that very moment at the very same time. synchronicities abound!

well what else is going on? we had a fabulous full moon the other night. it was so big, beautiful and bright! i love the full moon 😊 as most of you probably already know. this one was pretty potent for me and it brought up a lot of stuff. mostly i was feeling lost and stuck- not understanding why i am not finding what it is i came to india for. i am having a great time- don't get me wrong- but i had this feeling prior to coming here that there was something in particular that i would find. i don't know what that is though. and at times i get frustrated and impatient 😞 on the particular day i was most frustrated i was also really sick and tired of the dirt and filth. everywhere i looked i saw ugliness. and i was missing my american comforts. i was even fantasizing about having a nice dinner out at sushi roku in santa monica with some wine and upscale environment! the things that you start imagining when you are in india! haha. i am out of that funk now- but it was interesting to observe.

i guess that is about it for 2004! it is getting cold here and i am thinking of leaving rishikesh- for varanasi perhaps or down south (no not to the costal areas!). i found out that parmarth niketan ashram doesn't have any yoga classes scheduled until march 😞 apparently this is the down season and many things are not happening right now. i also found out that the international yoga festival i was going to attend is $300! which is very expensive relative to india. after really thinking about it i realized that the festival is just another big name thing with lots of famous teachers- everything that i said i was not interested in finding. i want to find the unkown yogi- who keeps to himself and has a love of yoga over money. so i have to figure this out in the next couple of days. right now i really haven't a clue what i should do. so i am waiting for inspiration 😊

well i hope you have a happy new year's eve celebration- and a rewarding new year! my plans for new years i have just come up with...i am going to stay in my room, light candles, listen to the power of now on cd (thank you paul!), meditate, and journal. i want to start of the new year in the right frame of mind. this will be the first new year's that i have not involved alcohol in my celebrating! having champagne is the typical way of celebrating in the states- but that is honestly the last thing i want right now. my biggest wish for the world and myself this upcoming year is to become spiritually awake 😊 it's a big wish- but i believe the universe conspires to help make one's wishes come true when they come from a pure, unselfish place. if you have a quite moment tonight perhaps you can wish for the same...

until then...

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