pause for reflection

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this is not a light entry, nor perhaps a cheerful one. it's about some news i received from home. it's actually an excerpt of an email i first sent to my father, who i count as my chief counselor and advisor in life, in response to the news of a friend's death.

though many of you did not know my friend, you would be the ones i turned to for comfort in these moments. though a blog is a truly poor substitute for flesh and blood community, i feel compelled to share with the people i love the best way i can. please forgive the generic nature of this expression. for the time being, a blog must suffice.

if you take any inspiration from these words, please, express it by loving those around you with a little extra energy today. though it is difficult to acknowledge, our time for loving is in fact limited by boundaries which are completely invisible to us. take a moment and love someone.

the excerpt begins here:

i got some serious news today. i'd like to share it with you, when you have a moment.

a friend of mine from austin died two days ago of a heroin overdose. as a child he had been diagnosed with a rare form of rheumatoid arthritis in his spinal cord, and the doctors, being unable to treat the problem directly, were forced to prescribe painkillers. he had been addicted to opiates since childhood. he had moved home recently to try (again) and kick, but after 5 days of dealing both with withdrawl and feeling the full force of the pain in his body, he gave in and bought his last bag of heroin. he either got stronger stuff than he was used to, cooked too much in his pain, or his body had already started to lose its tolerance. whatever the case, he od'd and his father found him on the bathroom floor about an hour after he died.

i'm absorbing the news slowly, and of course feeling all kinds of emotion.

i actually knew his parents first. they started at kaishan at the same time as i, and we went through all kinds of qigong weirdness and triumph together. they introduced me to their son, and expressed the hope that he would take some inspiration from my life. they were truly good parents. he was their only child, and it kills me to imagine them in this kind of pain. i do not know what i will be able to say to them when i see them next. words are so clearly inadequate.

what disturbs me most is that i never really knew my friend's story. i knew he'd had health problems as a kid, and that he had a history with drugs - who among the twenty-somethings of austin has not? but i also felt many times that there was some deep need he was unable to meet, some psychological pain that was hidden beneath his usually smiling and joking face. it's upsetting that although i felt clearly that something was not right, i never tried to find out what it was.

i understand that it may well have been impossible for me to make a difference even if i had known. i do not blame myself for his death. but i will not allow the event to pass without taking responsibility for not at least trying to know him a little better. if i do not possess skill to help someone, so be it. i'm sure such will often be the case. i just hope never again to allow that instinct that someone needs help to pass without at least trying.

i think of that small family, and my heart breaks in my chest.

end of excerpt. go hug your loved ones.

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