injustice, guilt.

---

ok so i really didnt want to be sitting here online today writing a blog. i have such along to do list and so many hopes for today but i just had a really painful incident that gave rise to the urge to share this with you all; an urge i couldnt fight t off.
so as many o fyou know i was a little concerned about coming here and feeling hopeless. feeling the pain of so many people who are poor and who live in such suffereing and being overwhelmed by the injustice of it. and wanting to help everyone and not being able to and not being ok with that.
so at first i was handing out little coins quite a bit. i soon was reprimanded by locals not t ogive money to the young beautiful girls who are holding babies, walking aroudn begging. im told these girls could find gainful employment if they wanted to, adn that im really doing the wrong thing by teaching them that they can earn a living by doing nothing, by exploiting the guilt in people like me. im also told that sometimes these children with them and the babies are not even their own but they borrow them. also it is sad because the children they have with them are being groomed into this kind of life. so i kind of wantd to stop. but these girls stare into my eyes. they can feel the pain that i feel for them and how difficult it is for me to turn them away so they follow me around. when i say sorry i am sometimes on the verge of tears and i really want to give. they can sense it and so they pursue me. as much as i understan dthat i am 'not helping them' by continuing to enable this way of life, and that if people stop giving them money they are physically strong, capable and could otherwise choose to work i nevertheless cannot stop myself from judging myself harshly for refuting their plea.

so then i have been advised that when someone is elderly or crippled then you can give money to them because they cant actualyl work to support themslves. so mainly this is the only time i have been giving anyone money. but this morning i checked my bank balance. im not broke yet, but have realised thatafter being in israel for so long, the money i had brought with me isnt quite as much as i had anticipated to have at this stage of my travel. it will mean that i will need to curb my spendin ga little bit and live frugally. very much this is my intention anyway and it pleases me to live the simple life. so then i had 500 ruppees on me. i went to go sit with the boys in the village. they ar emy freinds who are muslim boys who are from far up north, around kashmir, and htey are a family who have come and opened stores here in this village because it is highly frequented by both tourists and also local indians who have money and come here to holiday... and they can earn better income. they miss the mountains and their life with their families...the laughs, the commonality and the hospitality that i haev received from these people is overwhelming. an dit isnt because they want me to buy something because i dont really buy anything at all. we just hang out and discuss life. ok i digress..
so then i was on my way back home but decided to buy some veggies because i am setting up my home and want to start cookin gfor myeslf... so one of those young girls with the baby (one of two who come here everyday.. im told they are not from this city.. they have come hre because a lot of tourists come here) so i with great regret informed her that sorry i cant give her money again today. so im waiting in line to pay for some veggies. theres an older woman, mid to late fifties, who asks me for money.. i try to explain to her i really dont have money to spend. that i have not been earning income for a while, that im not a rich person, that i need money to last me the whole time im here in india.. that i do volunteer work. but i can see that she resents me. i can see that she is not interestd in my words (even if we spoke the same language adn she coudl actually understand what i was saying). she has no apprciation for my excuses or justification. all she feels is that i am unkind, selfish and a rich white girl should be helping her. she gesticulates toward her eyes adn shuts them tight, pointing at me. she is saying to me that i am closing my eyes, pretending not to see her poverty. i feel terrible. im thinking about going back adn giving her ten ruppees. i want to help out but im not rich. i dnot have the means to help everyone who will ask of me. i am planning on volunteering my time while im here and have a few arrangements coming up to go work with local kids to help them with educatn, and with a women's action group.
i welcome your thoughts. i feel helpless and im sad. on a positive note i start working with my teacher this afternoon. i went to yoga last night. it was alright. it was good for me to practice but i wanted a much stronger practice. cant wait to go to rishikesh and hit up some hectic iyengar xx

---