THE ARTHRITIC HIPPY TRAIL (STAGE 2)

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WE are a couple of middle-aged backpackers, combined age around 120. Slightly arthritic - I lie. Very arthritic. So travelling on the cheap is not always easy. But always great fun. Here we go then, heading for Madhya Pradesh, a giant state in the middle of India. After a couple of weeks in Rajasthan we're back on the Arthritic Hippy Trail.....
Fi and I are on the overnight bus heading north from Mumbai. Reclining seats, rucksacks tucked away neatly underneath, a couple of bottles of water stuck into holders, and a bag of food - fruit, bread rolls, and veg samosas - we are comfortable and ready for a long night. Twelve hours, they reckon to Indore, where we can grab a country bus to Mandu. Easy-peasy, considering the hardships we endured on a hellish bus ride from Jaisalmer to Ahmedebad. We eat a little, drink regularly, enjoy a chai at the first pit stop, and around 11pm drift off into a light sleep. This is the way to travel. WHOOOOOOOAH! Suddenly all is bedlam. Screeching, shouting, lights flashing. Jerked upright by this cacaphony it takes me a moment to understand - oh no this is a video coach! The loudspeakers on each side are at full blast, the screen right in front of us on the overhead console. No escape. Mercifully it doesn’t last long. Only three hours -it just seems like a lifetime. At least we have more time than expected to recover because, instead of taking 12 hours, the journey spans 14 hours.
Here might be a moment to point up some vital facts about travelling by bus in India. First, categories of aforesaid transport.
· Country bus - bone-shaker rattling over pot-holed roads cum tracks usually confined to state boundaries.
· City bus - boneshaker etc etc within the city limits.
· Inter-state - boneshaker which goes across state borders.
· Sleeper - does what it says on the tin (an appropriate choice of metal), reclining seats (watch out for the reclining driver) long-distance.
· Semi de-luxe - half de luxe, ie half blackened windows, half covered seats, half decent brakes etc. Can be seen on inter city and inter state routes and heard even further away.
· De luxe - similar to semi de luxe with wider wing mirrors and more noticeable tread on tyres.
Buses and coaches can be owned by the state, the city corporation, or privately. They are not subject to official safety checks. Drivers do not have to pass rigorous tests. Rural roads are unlit at night and do not have centre white lines. It is part of the driving culture in India to make headway at all costs, therefore overtaking is considered essential.
Oh I almost forgot to add,... pit stops are few and far between which is bad enough for a man of my age with a weak bladder. For Western ladies of any age, it can be a real problem. Even a halt at a well-equipped cafe may not produce the hoped for facilities. Often it’s an open air job around the back which is difficult on a practical basis and potentially embarrassing for the more sensitive soul. The good news is that it’s part of everyday life for many Indians and the sight of a Western lady emerging from the scrub, toilet roll under her arm will not provoke any interest whatsoever. Unless she is being chased by a camel. Still want to travel by overnight bus? Go on, it’s great fun. Honest. Next stop - Mandu.

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