Late Night Thoughts

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If I have learned anything in India it is that nothing is ever what it seems the first time around. I know this is a cliché and over-used saying. Everyone knows that you can’t see something once and know all about it, but India has just ingrained this idea in my brain so that I will never look at anyone ever again and think that I know anything about them unless I actually speak to them more than once.

I find myself very much the outsider these days. I will more often then not listen to a person speak and say nothing. My response is not required and at the present time I feel that I might never have anything to say. For me, it is just interesting to listen to what people let come out of their mouths. It often makes me hope I have never been so free with my speech.

It was a long night… an even longer morning. The semester started off with a birthday and laughter; smiles. But the arrival of a girl’s 21 years was the catalyst of a night of tears and anger. I wonder why we breakdown? What makes us lose our “rationale” for those few moments? Being in another country, they say a person goes through “culture shock” but the only shocks I’ve gotten on this trip have been from my fellow Americans. I’ve watched them all break down and last night I had my time as well. It’s when the little things rise against you, like a see-through wall, or rather, a glass box forms around you. You can see out, they can see in, but nothing passes in between. I felt my mind snap at 4 am when no one answered their phones and I was left alone.

I have been in India almost three months. In such a short span of time, only a page in my life, I have made friends and I have lost them. For the first time in my life I have lived wholly affected by other people. It is so easy to get lost in my safety net in the U.S. where my home is and my family has always been beside me. It’s so strange to see how familiarity has been my enemy through the years. It has allowed me to escape into my mind, daydream and let the days pass by. It gave me independence, but it barred me from a very big part of life. It created a stint in my social development. I grew up strong and by myself, but surrounded by only one or two friends. I have never had to deal with people if I didn’t want to. I could always escape. My experience in India has been anything but escapable. Talk about an immersion… for me it’s been more than a cultural eye-opener. Living with five other Americans, especially other women, and having the cultural-communication barriers with the rest of the country has made me learn a lot about people in general and it blows my mind the different faces one person can have. Though it’s been difficult at certain times, I have found this immersion into “humanity” a priceless experience. I don’t think I will be going back to my daydreaming days. There is nothing there but phantoms of possibilities when the real thing is right outside my window.

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