Quitting China

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"Do you know how weird this looks, Leeza?" my boss asked me. "You just signed a contract for another six months! Now you want to quit?"

Although, as you well know, I did in fact enthusiastically sign my soul away to Jining just over a month ago, I am doing the bizarre thing and severing the agreement. Yes, you heard me. I'm leaving. I have quit my job, I'm moving on.

Why?

It's not because the job sucks. On the contrary, it's every bit as cushy as I gushed on about in my previous entry.

It's not because I hate Chinese people. Although I find certain aspects of Chinese society just as troubling as I find certain aspects of American society, on the whole I think they are swell. Especially compared with what I witnessed in Dubai. I love the food, even though it's made me sick three times thus far. I like manicured parks. I like elderly peasants.

It's not because of the non-Chinese people, either.

And, hopefully, it's also not because I'm a loser who just can't hold down a job... Actually, I have a 10 000-reason-long litany of smaller reasons that are necessary but not sufficient to cause me to leave. I know that no one hear wants to hear complaints, whining, truth and/or realism, and so I do not need to spout them off here.

I told my boss, "It was a hot day when I resigned the contract. I was not considering the brutal, semi- to non-heated Chinese winter. I do not like the winter. I do not like being cold. Dead trees and cold air make me feel depressed. Coal smoke makes me ill. Winter is fast approaching, and I need another environment." And I hope you can understand, dear readers, what I mean when I say that the environment I am currently in is not healthy.

So, I take it back what I said before. I will not be here another six months. I am moving on.

I know, I know. I still can't believe I did this either. I'm still walking around with my brain numbed by my own stupidity. Still feeling like I shot myself in the foot. Still wondering if I made the wrong choice. I always do, and I call it "adventure".

Where will I go next? Back to Cambodia, like I always wanted. Although I stand a real risk of being robbed, raped, knifed in the back, and run down by a moto (all in the space of a month); although the cost of living is more expensive; although the food there is even dirtier, I STILL WANT TO GO.

I long to see the green trees and the blue skies. I long to travel around the country and explore. I want to talk to the people. In Khmer. I don't think I'll stay there permanently--I want to come back to China, continue learning the language and the country, and hedge my bets against the future--but heck, I need somewhere to overwinter. Maybe I shouldn't have left in the first place. I've been away a long time.

*WARNING: Litany. For those of you who are sensitive to reality, please put on your rosy glasses and stop reading. I'm serious. The Litany of Ten Thousand begins:

I don't like: feeling like I've been moving backwards, feeling like a horse in public, being the only female expatriate in the city, prostitution and exploitation, social isolation, no one to talk to, a sense of alienation from the expatriate group (to say nothing of larger Chinese society), everyone calling me a downer (AGAIN!), my inability to put on a "Happy Facade" to the satisfaction of my boss, being the only girl/only girl who didn't come with her husband, nothing to do on days off but sit around my broken-down apartment, being unable to walk outside or sit around in parks, feeling sub-human, lack of natural surroundings, lack of local cultural events in which I can participate, lack of improving language skills, lack of social skills, watching my environmental plans crack into a dozen little pieces, my decrepit apartment, vicious judgmental Chinese parents, sabotaging coworkers, not liking kids anymore, not being a circus clown, being the low (wo)man on the totem pole, being punished for things that aren't my fault, stolen vacation days because I got Salmonella this summer, the classroom uprising of last week, the headmaster's fury at the classroom uprising of last week, headmaster's 150 000 kuai car, lack of teaching supplies because "we don't have the money", beginning to take the job waaay too seriously, not having a constructive outlet outside the classroom, the National Staring Problem, the constant to-your-back chorus of Hello, Rex Wang, and of course, the cold, dead winter that will compound all these issues when I am stuck shivering around my cold, lonely apartment with nothing else to contemplate but my own misery.

That's at least thirty seven of 'em. None of these things are strong enough to defeat me, but taken as a whole don't give me an awfully strong incentive to go on living here. Even with money, the lowest common denominator.

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Comments

[Susan]

So, when are you leaving? Let the adventure begin!

[Global Drifter]

Whenever they release me. Should be sometime in early to mid- to late-October.

[php web development]

travel
I like your article and will also pass out this message to other this blog is interesting thanks for post

[AlDu]

I could add 37 more in just a few minutes -
But One will do for now. The shoving/pushing/incivility of Beijing people in public was the topper for me.