Nobody

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I could not think of a title that would capture the depth of what I felt a few days ago so it will just be called Nobody.

I, Chris Dalby, and Cat went to Hengshui last weekend, it is one of those sleepy booming microtroplis’ that China is famous for. Concrete, bricks, a mixture of poor and rich all striving to build a harmonious society. There is a small orphanage on the outskirts of this town run privately by a man and a few courageous volunteers. It has taken over an abandoned primary school with six out-buildings; there is a playground with an undersized basketball goal that can make even a 5’6” man feel like Michael Jordan, and an outhouse that is just a sloping cement stair to hell.

There were 5 kids at the time of our visit ranging in age from 8-17, these kids were bright, fun, and beautiful, but the underlying facts were they are underfed, they only eat rice porridge, eggplant, and cabbage everyday. They also seem to have been physically or mentally abused by their parents or grandparents. I am not sure of the backgrounds, but I was witness to the horrors of one little boy. He was about 13, but he was the size of a 7 year old, he had burn marks from cigarettes, Chinese characters scratched in his arms, and worst of all he would cry and scream in the middle of the night. No child should have to endure that kind of pain and I weep inwardly for him.

I think I feel like Kevin Costner sort of, if you remember Dances with Wolves, when he found the woman that he was later to marry, trying to commit suicide, as he brought her back to the village she was taken away and was told to leave. Yes dramatic, but the government here is so afraid of western involvement or exposure that you do not know where or how to help.

I know that I will never be a Superman, I will never be a rich man, I know that songs around campfires will never be sung in my honor, but I can tell you this, I will be the first to step into the heat, I will never back down from a fight, I just feel so fucking torn as to what to do. Am I brave enough to give up my money and live as a pauper to give love and hope, do the devils inside me chase away the dreams of angels, am I man enough to admit my weaknesses and faults, and as soon as I clear those thoughts, the others come in, what about my girlfriend who I want to marry and give a good life to…I know a discussion between she and I…but as most, well some of you know she is Chinese, and she is absolutely the angel that sits on my shoulder, yes, we have trouble talking, yes she doesn’t understand me sometimes, and yes, I have no clue as to speaking Chinese, but I love the eccentric side of her, I love her beauty, inside and out, I love her smile, her laugh, her tears, her soul, and she loves that with me as well.

I told her a while back, this was after the heartbreak at the Embassy, we were talking on the train, and I remember as we parted as I was trying to consol her and perhaps myself, that this happened for a reason and she looked at me tearfully and whispered, ‘would you have gone through this heartache with someone else’…and I remember my words…’Even if we haven’t met, we would have found each other somewhere in time, we were meant to be together no matter what’, it was one of those moments that when the devils stopped cackling, the angels fell silent, the world and the noise in the head just stopped and it was me and her.

I know I have deviated from the moral of the story, and perhaps I am still processing it all in my head. I do say this though and will leave with one final thought…the kids that are 5-17…yes, they may not be the babies, yes, they may have problems, but does that diminish the love they need, or deserve…I hope I am man enough to give it to them, I hope the young boy that screams in the night will be ok, I hope that my devils and yours will be quiet long enough to do something right…I hope, I hope…

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