It's the Little Things: Fall Term 2012

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Over the past few terms I've had few strange "names" in my classes. This term I hit the motherlode, though. Here are a few of my favorite "English names":

iphone
Bason
Esta
Piki
Loosen
Helle
Deep
Water X 2
Fish
Elow
Holiday X 2
Thick
Kimmo
Rorschache (I still can't even say this one.)
Johnny Wu
Loyi
Charm
Sugar
Elephant
Keson
CD
GiKong
Lawliet
Tree.... and Koala
River
Albee
Yoyo
Howe
Shayee
Green
YJ
Chill
Dollar
Walker
Cinderella
Panda
Sky
Sunny
Yoking
Cabbage
Yoga

male student: My name is Kora.
Me: what?
male student: K-o-l-a
Me: oh, Kola.
male student: no, k-o-a-l-a.
me: like the bear?
male student: yes.

Student next to him: My name is Tree. T-r-e-e. *points outside* Like out there.

And it seems Koala and Tree are best friends. Irony?



Me: At a job interview, what is a question they'll ask you?
Male student: Sex.
Me, wondering if I heard wrong: What?
Male student: Sex.
.....
Me: No, I'm pretty sure they be able to tell I'm a woman.



So I have the 2007 version of the textbook and my students have the 2004 version. There are no 2004 editions for teachers. So much for using the book this term.

Luckily, getting my students to gesture out such gems as, "Someone stole my wallet!", "Where is the bathroom?", and "Help!" provided countless laughs... and a video.



I was waiting for a friend after dinner while he ran into the supermarket to buy some breakfast food, and noted scores of students were at the supermarket too, most buying weekly groceries. I couldn't help but think about how when I was 21, the supermarket would have been the LAST place I'd go on a Sat night.

Then I noticed the student behind my friend--his basket was full of 600 mL bottles of beer. I gave him a thumbs up.



毕业于美国威斯康辛大学欧克莱尔分校 is where I went to college. I never knew how to write this in Chinese!



Tonight I had 3 girls cry during speech team because they're so stressed about the upcoming final tomorrow night. Some students say this experience will make them better, I say if a competition makes you cry (because you can't sleep, eat, or focus on anything) perhaps something needs to change because life is too short.
On a bright note, a former member, fresh back from a trip to Bangkok, came to surprise visit us and gave us all hugs. China is not a hugging culture. That totally made my day.



Groups were divided and each given a topic: racism, sexism, agism, and cultural discrimination. They needed to talk about why they exist and provide examples.For the sexism group, the reason was this:

body relations

I still don't know quite what they meant. But hopefully not the first thing that comes to mind.



My student was having an off day:

Me: Jim, are all Americans fat?
Jim: Yes.
Student next to Jim: She's not!
Me: Jim, are men smarter than women?
Jim: Uh, yes.
*lots of giggling from all the girls in the room*

Luckily for poor Jim, this week's topic is stereotyping and discrimination, and this worked out perfectly. (Don't worry, he did better the rest of the class.)



This morning I realized I have a plant sprouting out of my bathroom drain pipe. No idea how that happened.



I live next door to my boss's boss's boss. He's a nice guy, usually pretty quiet. But tonight, he's got the music cranked and I think they're singing along... off key. What to do, what to do?



You know your students are too comfortable with "speed dating" when one of them pretends to take off his shirt during the conversation.

Time to blow the whistle and have them change partners.



I have a student who's bright and speaks English pretty well. He always smiles a lot and happily participates. But every time I call on him, his eyes get really big, he panics, and then literally grabs his even smaller friend next to him for help.Everyone laughs every time.



How to make the world better, one option: Build the new school on the gutter.



Best introduction exam of the week:

Student: I have a secret. Can I tell you?

Me: Okay.

Student: I am an angel! And so are you!

Me: You mean I'm dead?

Student: Oh, no no. Angels help people.

Me: Yes, they do.

Student: I am here to help you not be shy.

Me: Oh, thank you.

Student: Since you are also an angel, you should be kind to me. Give me an A.

Me: Hahaha.

Student: God bless you. Uh-huh. Yes. An A.

This kid is such a suck-up. He got a B.



So far, I've had one student beat box for part of his exam (I guess that's how he's unique) and another ask if he could sing me me a song. A special song. A pretty song. In Chinese.



My freshmen students are writing 7 minute plays this week. As I walked around, I noticed one group's play was only about a page long.

Me: It's a good start, but it needs to be longer.
Male student: Longer???
Me: Yes, it needs to be 7 minutes long.
Male student: But, look, Paco and John kiss for 10 minutes!
Me: They need to talk for 7 minutes.
Whole group: Ohhhhhhhh



Student: Hey, what's your name?
Me: Kris.
Student: Isn't Greece a country?This coming from a student whose name is iphone.



Last year at this time, my art students and I conspired to throw a fellow classmate a surprise party. We made sure she was late to class so she would have to take her exam last.This year, for the same student's exam, she talked about her 20th birthday and how her classmates and wonderful teacher threw her a surprise party and how much it meant to her. It turns out it was the biggest party she'd ever had.



This week, students need to tell stories about getting hurt:
One day a young dog bit a girl. The girl's father was very angry and shot the young dog. The dog's mother was very sad. One night, she went to the girl's home and bit the family. Everyone died.



This week's topic was crime and punishment. After a bit of research and discussion, two groups of students suggested some rather effective ways to deter people from committing crime.

1. Batman.

2. Castration.



On the subject of ethics, the class decided that protecting animals was most important, but not so important that we should stop eating them. We should eat them to help the animal farmers. But we shouldn't smoke tobacco to help the tobacco farmers.Me: So what should the tobacco farmer do?
Male student: He should grow opium.

Some of the students didn't understand (naturally, it's not a common word or in their textbooks!) and I drew the pipe on the board. Then they asked if it was used in the US. When I said it was illegal, they asked how I knew what the pipe looked like. I said the internet... and this little museum in GZ in a temple that actually has a few on display. They looked perplexed.



Me: If we don't eat animals, what will happen to the animal farmers?

Ken: The animals will be happy!

Me: LOL, Sigh, Okay, fine, but if we don't smoke, what will happen to the tobacco farmers

Ken: The animals can start smoking

Me: Do you really want to eat a chicken that's been smoking

Ken: Yes, it will taste more delicious!



One student had some interesting ideas.

Me: If we don't buy tobacco, the farmers will lose their jobs. How can we help them?

Alvin: We can send them to Africa.Later on, it was decided (very loudly) that China's wealth gap was a big problem.

Me: Why is the wealth gap a problem?

Alvin: I don't think it is.

Me: What? (the class had been so loud, I thought it was unanimous.)

Alvin: If everyone is rich, it would be, so, uh, so boring.

Me: So boring? Hmmm. So we need have poor people?

Alvin: Yes.

Me: Would you like to be poor, then?

Alvin: Uh, no.



Later, I gave them a past-curfew scenario with two options:

Call for help and maybe get into trouble, or try to help their bleeding friend in their own.
Alex: I would choose option one. I would call for help.
Me: If you call the police, you might both go to jail for fighting.
Alex: Never mind.



Me: Tom, would you like to smoke cigarettes in the WC?

Tom: Well, uhhh

Edward (his friend next to him): Yes, say yes, it's delicious.



Me: What is a zoo?

student: It's where animals live.

Me: Will I see chickens there?

student: No.

Me: What animals will I see?

student on other side of the room: Women!



On the topic of helping the tobacco farmers:Me: Do you smoke?Tom: No.Me: Why not? You should be helping the farmers!Tom: No, it's bad for sex.Me, sure I had misheard: What?Tom: It's bad for sex. Wait a moment.
Tom consults dictionary. I return a few minutes later.

Me: Well?
Tom: Smoking causes impotence. The more you smoke, the more impotent you will be. So I don't smoke.
Me, not sure quite what to say: Uh-huh.
Student next to Tom: See, he's a good man!

Class dismissed!

In two days, I've watched two movies about Genghis Khan. Both cases were in English.Last night's was in Japanese. With the option of English subtitles.Tonight's was in Mandarin and Mongolian, with Italian titles on the movie itself. With the option of English subtitles.This is where the similarities end.



Tonight, I had my speech team students write up notecards based off of a text I'd written about the imaginary CEO of Sonsini Enterprises. She's a great woman and she's adopted 9 children.The students then gave the notecard to their friend and their friend had to give the speech without seeing the text.

The notecard said: adopted children

The speaker said: She has many children. They're not real.

Two groups-- one all male and one all female-- decided to debate "Dating younger women is better than dating older women." For the record, all the students are good-natured, sweet kids.The men had such ideas as: It's good because we can teach them many things (this brought snickers from everyone)we can trick them
No, not trick them, we can control them more easily
They are so innocent, it's better

The women's team annihilated them. I was so proud.



When teaching a lesson about English slang, it's always good if one student volunteers that his friend is a playboy.



After I teach the slang, the students need to create one minute plays and use as much as they can. The best one today started in a club, and used:

get high

awesome!

hit on

player

awesome!

make out

lovers

awesome!

sleep with

and a podium that moves much more than expected

awesome!



My friend and I went to a Korean restaurant in town. We go there frequently and they always know we order our food without meat; they never look confused anymore. After another delicious lunch, my friend offered me a mint. It was a new box and we eagerly opened it--a mint would be just the thing. Except that it wasn't.

We both made horrified noises and spit out the candies. I thought it tasted like soap! What was wrong?

A waitress rushed over to us with two pieces of mint gum. We thankfully accepted them and quickly popped them into our mouths. Relief.

We looked at the mint box and discovered these were "enhanced mints" with the added flavor of either lavender or jasmine (the picture was a little vague). While I'm sure they're quit the hit with Chinese people, they did not go over well with these two Americans! We left the box on the table and left.

As we walked down the street, we heard shouting. The waitress had chased us down to return the mints that we'd left behind. Apparently she thought we might want them again.



Last class with my favorite art students. When I laid down the sign up sheet for final exam times, the skinniest kid in the class dashed by me so fast and so close I felt my scarf move. I had to throw myself out of the way. He's thinner than me and faster than lightning. Later, when I bid them farewell and thanked them for another great semester, one student said, "Maybe three?" while the others looked at me hopefully.Aww, I wish.

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