Those Days

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There are those days when I don't want to be here. In this country. This is a very difficult country for me and always has been. Part of me wants to stay simply for the challenge. Part of me wants to stay for the children. I have a huge attachment to most of my kids. Then there's Camillo. But one can't logically cling to one person for that long. And I know that it's just difficult for me to stay away from him sometimes. Part of me loves the language. As always, there's a lot of me that's attached to languages. But there's the other part that struggles. Sometimes this part of me is stronger than other days but it never seems to leave. I've written of it before. How it has been there no matter what country I have been to but how it always seems to leave after I change something. The only problem is I don't know what to change this time, or if I can change anything at all. I love where I live, even though I don't spend much time there. I love my job even though there are some times when I regret it (but that is only when I'm not actually teaching and that doesn't even happen very often). I love my friends. So I really don't know what to change to make the feeling go away this time.

Tonight I went to the Salon as usual but I didn't find Camillo so I said hello to everyone there and hung out for a bit before deciding to go down and sit outside the movie theater and read for a bit. I'm trying to finish Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. It's a pretty good book. I sent multiple people a message "What are you up to tonight?" So I was texting with a couple of people and then Camillo called me. We went through the normal process. "What are you doing?" "Reading" "Where are you?" "Outside Ownar" "Say it again" "Ownar" "Ooh, Ownar" "I'm with Akun's older brother. I'll meet you there" "Okay." So he came to get me and we walked up to the Salon together. Only when I looked in the window there was a sign on the window like before and a huge tapestry over all of the Salon's stuff. They were in the process of tearing down the wall in between the two Salons and everyone was standing outside. I surprised Yenson and watched as they went through the process of getting everyone and everything important outside. Hui was upset because they had to close the Salon for a couple days while they did renovations. She got all of their cell phone numbers and told them she would call them tomorrow and then sent them off. I just sat in the background with Akun's older brother watching everything. People were excused in phases. I tried to ask Camillo what was going on once but he was clearly angry. After a while his grandmother came and Camillo even yelled at him for a little bit. The two of us tried to calm him down but he was just angry and not telling anyone why so we couldn't exactly do anything. I decided to stick around even though he told me "Go home". I said "And what will I do at home? I was reading before you came and I'm going to continue to read." I sat there and continued reading waiting for him to calm down and decide to go somewhere. But he never did. Finally he almost bit my head off telling me that he needed to talk to Hui alone. I went to sit somewhere else and then he asked me to go get him and Hui something to drink so I did and again sat somewhere else when I came back. Finally I decided to leave. My only question was this, why did he come get me in the first place if he didn't want me around? I was perfectly content to sit outside and read. When he first came to get me he was in a good mood. It was only when we got to the Salon that that changed. So maybe something happened that I wasn't aware of, who knows.

Once I got home I decided to watch a Hindi movie. I hadn't watched one in a long time and I missed them. Fortunately I decided to bring some from home when I went. Surprisingly enough I watched the entirety of Kuch Naa Ka Ho and understood a very large amount of it, most of it in fact without looking at the subtitles (that for some reason are stuck on Russell's DVD - you can't turn them off). I only looked at the subtitles once! I was extremely surprised at the amount of Hindi I understood after such a long time without it. I thought surely it would be extremely difficult for me. Now I'm currently watching songs from a different movie and again the subtitles are stuck on, but this time the subtitles are in some strange language. It looks like hindi but definitely isn't at all. At first I thought to myself "Wow, this is cool to have Hindi subtitles" but it's not Hindi. Who knows what it is. Could be a lot of different things.

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