Moments

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I just saw my baby Justin get the crap beat out of him with a baseball.

I've been watching Queer as Folk lately. Justin is one of the main characters of the show. As I mentioned I've been a little bit of an insomniac so I've gotten into the show a bit and have seen almost every episode but just decided to start from the beginning and go until this particular episode. Well, I finally got there. Gay bashing is such a strange thing. The episode made it very obvious that Justin was being bashed because the boy who was bashing him was jealous of him and the relationship that Justin had with another main character Brian.

It's funny how gays are mentioned here. According to a bunch of people I've talked to if you talk to a Chinese man around here gays don't exist in China. But if you ask a Chinese woman they're all over the place - just like in any other country. Chinese people aren't allowed to have babies before they're married and aren't allowed to have divorces and so they're supposedly huge on cheating on their wives, having affairs and having horrible marriages. A woman here once she is married is supposed to keep her little mouth shut and deal - with everything. Unless everything isn't enough. A while back one of Craig's friends Sunny was just spending a LARGE sum of money on her second wedding (official wedding) with her fiancee Liuxiu. Maybe a week after the wedding Liuxiu found out that his girlfriend was pregnant and because of the "can't have a baby unless you're married" thing had to leave his wife for his girlfriend to have the baby.

Tonight I was hanging out with the Salon boys - we went out to dinner after they got off work (at 10:30pm) and as I looked around I realized that I had in front of my eyes almost the exact same situation that I had written about in India. Gary was sitting with his arm over Bensony's shoulder with Bensony reaching up and holding it. Bensony was having a conversation with some boys across from him and Gary was staring into outer space. A little while later Joe leaned over and put his arm around Ollie's shoulder as the two of them drank beer together. I walked over to Yenson and sat with my leg around the chair and my hand on his leg only to realize he was treating me just like the ghat boys - like another boy.

On the other hand there's Stone. I'm not even sure what's up with that. We went from a long conversation on Wednesday night where everything was just "hunky dory" to Friday night where it was "well, I really like you, but not in that way." We'd talked on Thursday and everything seemed to be fine but on Friday when he got there something had changed. I knew from the moment he walked in - he was being completely unresponsive to anything I was doing - whether it be a simple hug to a teasing remark. Nothing. It was very strange to me. Before Wednesday he had told his parents and family about me (which is absolutely huge to a Chinese man), I had caused him to lose his way while walking around the university (just as he had caused me to walk in aimless circles around the grocery store and subsequently try and buy some products that weren't for sale as they were - one has to weigh vegetables here and get a price tag put on them before one buys them), everything was cool. But I suppose everything is never cool with guys. Just my luck. All he said was "I think it'd be better this way". What way? And why? What had happened? What had I done? Or better yet what had happened to him? I didn't understand - and now that it's three days away and he has still not responded to a single text message I've sent him (something he never did before) I'm still completely confused and missing him. Whether it be jealousy or what it's not worth this. Walking around today from place to place all I could think was "I really want him back" - not that I even normally see him on a Monday! I know people are probably thinking crazy things about this - "such a cute little fling" "see I told you this was going to happen to her in China" Whatever you may be thinking it doesn't really matter to me, I'm just tired of being alone and going through the same experiences over and over again with men. As I told someone you'd think I'd have learned by now but for some reason I haven't. It's harder than you expect it to be.

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