Sweet and Sour Divorce

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It had proved impossible to have a Chinese girlfriend. The Chinese sexual spectrum consisted of prostitutes, unequal workplace events (students in Dick's case), one-night stands, fiancées, mistresses and wives. The idea of medium-term affiliation not expressly aimed at babies, parental support and possible escape abroad was utterly alien to Chinese females. Dick didn't like prostitutes, became paranoid and guilt ridden when he fucked a student, had no energy for clubbing and no intention of getting, or preparing to get, married. When he had been in Beijing for two years working at Broadway English, he transferred to Oxford College. Between the two he invented an ephemeral wife back in Burnley and three weeks later was in possession of a 'mistress'. Having never had a wife, he wasn't sure what the difference was, except that he was free to do as chose four or five nights a week. Even through this small window, LiLi managed to force a lever. He was regularly chastised, bullied, nagged, mocked and fleeced: exactly as he had always imagined matrimony would be. He attended sisters' weddings and spent New Year in a filthy village in the Yellow Mountains. After four months he swallowed a spider to catch a fly and found himself spending two or three nights a week in the company of Rose, whom he never disavowed of the idea that he was married to LiLi. Rose was considerably less controlling than LiLi giving the strongest impression of not only enjoying his company, but of misery in his absence and of craving more minutes and more cock. Within a year he was juggling the Medusan LiLi, the thornless Rose and Fanny (God bless her) a fat little seventeen year old who spoke no English, delivered his lunch one day and one course led to another. His time was no longer his own. He was barely allowed the watch the football at the weekend and a pleasant Sunday afternoon wank seemed as distant as a Cambridge punting picnic.

Then along came Dolphin. Dolphin told Dick to get rid of his cootie coterie, marry her and become normal. Dick forgot how and when he was convinced by Dolphin, but convinced he was, and he was going to marry her. With no exit strategy he broke down one day in Mr. Chow's office. A kindly patriach, Mr Chow explained 'mistress divorce'. Open a bank account, deposit an appropriate amount, give the mistress a blank cheque: a signal all Chinese women understand. The end.

What were they worth? How much could he spare?

Fanny took her best friend Kiko to Xidan for new clothes and then to Yes Club, where they both got new knobs to shine.

LiLi sat in an apartment she couldn't afford, over the hill at 28, trawling the internet for foreign fish late into the night.

The red petal scraps of Rose's envelope whirled in the toilet bowl and washed eventually to the sea, where dolphins are assumed to play.

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