How to Catch a Bus in Beijing

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For every time a Chinese person warms your heart with a show of delicate politeness and unbounded friendliness, there will be a time when you wonder whether this Ancient “Civilisation” is really civilised at all. Catching one of the hideously overcrowded public buses in Beijing is one of the later. I enclose a guide.

1) This is a physical activity. A warm up is advisable. Stretch those hamstrings, limber up the quads. If time, see yourself through a Mr Motivator or a Jane Fonder video. Don’t forget the upper body.

2) You can check you’re in the right place on the green board by the bus stop, however, the Chinese writing won’t mean anything to you. Pretend to look knowing. Maximum fare 20 fen (2pence).

3) If you’re not positionally astute then you’ve as much chance as Chairman Mao does of getting on this bus. Tactical pavement placement is key. Therefore the pavement is out. Well out. You need to be at least halfway into the inside lane of the road/street/highway to stand a chance. Don’t worry, you won’t be alone. And the lumps of automotive metal whizzing past you will miss you. “Trust before fear” are the watchwords for today.

4) The crowd will naturally gravitate together. You need to be there, in the front, ready to be swept along.

5) Use your hawk-like eyes to spot the target. Inbound, 300m. So far so good.

6) The bus driver will spot the dense, waiting hoards and will endeavour to stop no closer than 20m from them.

7) A surge. Ride it like the Severn Bore.

8) When the tide hits the breakwater of the bus doors get ready to hustle.

9) God gave the Chinese elbows for a reason.

10) Don’t worry about the old dear who’s fallen at the first, she’d have done much worse to you if she’d had the chance.

11) Never give up hope. A Beijing bus is the very antithesis of a tube of toothpaste. With toothpaste you can always squeeze more out. With a Chinese bus there’s always room for more. Your faith will be repaid.

12) If it isn’t (and we are dealing with physics here after all), return to step 3) and await the next one.

13) If it is, and in the unlikely event of there being enough space inside to move your diaphragm, breathe a sigh of relief and claustrophobia. From the outside the sight through the bus window will now resemble vacuum-packed Frankfurters. Stand tall my friend, for you are a Frankfurter.

14) Your work is not done. This is where the upper-body exertion begins. The bloke standing next to you won’t be bothered enough to hold on, so it’s your responsibility to keep him upright in the corners. He will repay your kindness by repeatedly clearing his throat in a manner that produces a noise not too dissimilar to a duck passing through a paper shredder.

15) You will not get a choice when you get spat out back onto the pavement; it will be up to the 37 people around you. Pray they are your neighbours.

16) If they weren’t neighbours of yours, return to step 3) and wait for the next one.

17) If they are, punch the air in triumph and victory.

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Photos

Guy on Foot
Sensible chap.

The alternative
If Snoop Dog were Chinese his "wheels" would look like so.

Comments

[hey]

I guess this is another form of survival of the fittest? lol