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Published: October 19th 2009
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So I really apologize to all my readers for failing to update this as often as promised. I have no good reasons, just lame excuses. But to be honest, Ive been so depressed since this horrible virus wiped out my computer and I lost all my files- most importantly my pictures form this year. Yup. I was Einstein enough to NOT back anything up. I get what I deserve what I suppose. But all those memories gone. I just couldn bring myself to post my blog without pictures. And my computer sits dormant, dead, or rather, just sleeping until the day of Resurrection. And now Im faced with the tricky task of storing my pictures somewhere else other than my defeated computer. Of course the internet is too slow here to try to post 200 pictures online- considering it took me an hour to just post three pictures... so Ive reverted to more archaic methods of storing them on CDs, burned by students from the local university because they are the only ones with computers good enough to handle burning CDs. Geesh- what a hassle! " But this is Africa".
Oh how Ive been busy! So busy I cannot believe
Ill be coming home in only 3 months! And these next three months will be my busiest! So how quickly will they pass.
I have become the main biology teacher at the high school. Its been so challenging trying to keep up with the syllabus while also learning whats expected in their education system. Im left trying to break my own assumptions of whats needed in education and what the proper rules for things are (for example, they must put all drawings in pencil, while I was taught you do ALL science work in pen). So I learn as I go, praying that I dont make my students fail because I taught them the wrong things.
This week the senior 4 students begin their national exams. They are so nervous! And Im nervous for them- but of course I never show that. I show them how I have confidence in their abilities, and a cheer them up with giving them "lucky" pens and pencils. National Exams are a hugh deal here. And everyone gives out "success" card, hoping that somehow, the number of cars they receive will equate how much success they will have in their exams.
The twins!
Uncle Paul, Christine and Myself ( in matching outfits) during Enrichment week? Of course, as a teacher, I now greatly respect my past teachers. I reflect on how those teachers really did impact my life, education, and future. Im so thankful that they were willing to take on such responsibility in preparing a bunch of rowdy teenagers for a good future. Its scare, knowing you can make or break a single students based on how you decide to dedicate yourself to his education. NO pressure or nothing.....
Being a teacher isn the only pressures I found in my life lately. As the time draws closer for me to go home, I am busily trying to apply to graduate schools once again. I just re-took my GRE Exam and did awesome compared to the last time. So now Im trying to do it right this time: contacting professors at prospective schools, getting my references together, reading up on how to write a killer personal essay. But I really am trusting God, because I know that the competitions is fierce. The credit crunch has driven more people to go back tro graduate school. SO even though I know Im capable, and even the school knows Im well-qualified, its no guarantee. 2000 well-qualified candidates
Smart Students
Some students ready for the cat walk during enrichment week! for 150 open spots- its only by the grace of God. And the GRE- wooooo! I studied SO hard for that test! This test in not a test of intelligence. Its hardly a test of how well you would do in grad school. I see it as a test of how badly you want to go to grad school. Are you willing to study everyday for three months, learn strange mathematics and thousands of vocabulary words that are so archaic and obscure that you can even find some in the dictionary? If you answer yes, then maybe you are worthy of graduate school. And I reply, "Yes, yes I am." I choose the red pill and I see how far the rabbit hole goes. And after plugging myself into the matrix, I may not know kungfu, but I know pusillanimous, vituperate, flag, peregrination, dilettante, plangent, and erudite. Whether Im dazzling with intelligence, or baffling with bs I dont know.
Yet the biggest pressures come from within. Sometimes I think Im going crazy. I talk to myself a lot. I guess when you understand less than 20% of whats happening around you because everything is in a different language, you
start really wanting to hear whats going on. So you talk to yourself. So far, I haven answered myself back--too often....
Im in this constant state lately of trying to reconcile my present with my future- the greatest pressure of all. I know Im leaving in a few short months, and wondering how my year in Africa will play into my future. I know I still want grad school, so staying longer isn an option and Im not sure when Ill return. And so Im left with conflict. I deal best with whats right in front of me. So when Africa is no longer my present, how will it fit into my life? How fickle we westerners can be at times. How do I not get caught back up into the such of things, consumed with whats in front of me, and not forget my Uganda? Of course I can even forget. I will continue to support the Molly and Paul Child Care Foundation for years to come. But that deep-rooted, tight connection- how do I keep it without getting overwhelmed?
My conflicts have spilled over into my dreams- so vivid and and I wake up nearly
crying. In my dream, I see my parents, family, friends from back home, all pleading, reminding me of my responsibilities, duties, how much they love me, and their needs, wanting my help and my presence. Then I see my Uganda family and friends- laughing, enjoying life, relationships becoming more vivid and colorful as they pull me deeper into their family, everyday earning my name Nagawa. Yet in my dream, they start fading, I can hear the laughter, the music, the language, and so I chase after them, but then back home is pulling so hard- so I turn back to home, only to find it too has faded, not the same. And Im left lost, alone, aimlessly walking in this dense mist that both my worlds have disappeared into. Both worlds seem so far apart, and I can seem to be able to chose one without abandoning the other. But to abandon one is to lost half of myself, half my heart and soul. How do I reconcile such feelings? Im not sure I can. But I trust the only ONE who can understand my dreams and my feelings, the only ONE who can give me peace about the future
Baby Chantel
at her 1st birthday party. We had cake and loud music! We all danced- it was the most awesome baby birthday party I've ever been to. I have chosen.
Ok, next blog Ill give my brief overviews of my trips to Murchison and Rwanda, sadly without much for photos......
Psalms 27: 13-14 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
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Mirlandra
non-member comment
wow
Wow - what a time you are having! It sounds amazing!!! Maybe when you get back we can visit sometime - it's been way too long since I've seen you! Love ya girl, Mirlandra