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Published: June 26th 2011
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Blue monkey I wake a decade older. Outside the tent, in the far distance, lie the walls of Kilimanjaro. I gaze longingly at the summit, the glaciers seem tiny now, the altitude so distant. A long descent to Marangu through the dusty heat and then through the majestic rainforest at Kilimanjaro's feet. We arrive at Marangu gate to be greeted by the client who had been evacuated - she's fine now. I sit and wait for the others to arrive, my mind slowing down to the pace of the lowlands. I think I have a still look in my eye when the lowland guide arrives and shakes my hand.
Down here, down below, the ones who wait for me have dead eyes. The ones who were with me at the top sparkle at me, bark happily. Man-mountain arrives, limbers over and takes my arm, tries to explain to the lowlanders..."Imara kama simba..." eyes turn to lay themselves upon me. "This man, this man - stronger than a lion". I look into his eyes - there's nothing but feeling there. I nod my appreciation. I would like to speak but I have no idea what to say. I feel small. I feel humble.
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Some rainforest I feel I need to run back into the hills.
The lowlanders hesitate, know not how to react. They look upon me and cannot comprehend what man-mountain means. This laden, saddened person does not appear like a lion. He stares with pain in his eyes, the sign of a mind itching to be away, to be up high where the lions roam freely and the air tastes sweet. I stand aside, out of their gaze. Man-mountain talks to me, tempting me to come back and attempt the Kilimanjaro record with him. "You come back, we break the record together, we make ourselves famous and we can set up the best guiding company in Africa". I smile, I talk. I look him in the eyes. For the first time in my life, before I question whether I'm strong enough to do this mad thing he speaks of, I find myself questioning whether he's strong enough. Just the thought of being able to attempt this thing makes me feel small but I feel capable. Dangerously capable.
All the way down the mountain I've been questioning my next move. Given how easy this is, what do I do next? All sorts of possibilities open up. Four months ago I hadn't seen the Solukhumbu and hadn't seen Kilimanjaro. Now I've crossed the Lhenjo La at quite a pace and have ascended Kilimanjaro without even the slightest discomfort. I now find myself wondering how far, how high, how hard I can go. I think of snowy, icy peaks all over the world and I don't think "no - too hard" (that's what I've thought most of my life). I now think "maybe...maybe I should try".
I feel younger than yesterday. I feel stronger than ever. But I am really, really not sure what to do about it. This day is a day of pause. I guess it should be but I don't think this is the way most people imagine the moment. It certainly isn't how I imagined it. Forty - that's when you slow down isn't it? Nope, that's when you realise how strong you can be if you apply yourself - that's when you start running at life. That's the lion inside me speaking, not me.
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