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Published: October 21st 2010
My take off from Heathrow was delayed an hour so I got myself a Panini and Raspberry-Coconut cake from Starbucks, totally yum. Couldn’t seem to log on to the Wi-Fi at the airport which was frustrating - all the connections were secured so I would have needed a network key. Wagamammas told me their Wi-Fi was only for staff use and the one named Free Public Wi-Fi was disabled (so if anyone knows how you’re meant to do it please get in touch).
My aeroplane had 2 floors! I’d never been on one so big and should have snuck up to the top floor to check it out but I think it was first class only. Couldn’t sleep so watched some brilliant films: Get Him to the Greek with Russell Brand and Jonah Hill, both of who I love. Cyrus was a bit of a weird one, not funny or sad or anything really, just an inbetweener, bit pointless but I found myself watching the whole goddam thing. Then I watched Grown Ups, a Comedy with Adam Sandler, and half of Marmaduke, a kids film about a Great Dane which was totally fab (Mam - this is one for you so
keep an eye out for it).
I’ve decided that Arrival cards are the bain of my life. I just don’t get why they can’t get all this info from your flight details - maybe something you could print with your boarding card… so Mr BA owner person, I know you’re reading this - take note.
Lucky me got sat next to the grumpiest man who was rude to the cabin crew and in my head I cursed him. Hopefully he’ll lose his luggage or something. During the 11 hour flight, my feet swelled to melon sized proportions (which often happens when I fly) and I couldn’t get my shoes back on. Walked through Johannesburg airport and collected my luggage then spotted Ellie at the exit and as my trolley picked up momentum I skidded across the marble floor in my socks. The airport itself was so clean and modern -they’ve done a lot of work to the cities of South Africa recently as they hosted the World Cup in June this year.
Ellie and I grabbed a skinny latte and sat for an hour or so catching up on our news. She’s looking fantastic after 5 days on
one of her crazy diets (this time where she didn’t eat a thing but drank litres of water mixed with cayenne pepper, lemon juice and maple syrup). We located the Gautrain (pronounced Howtrain) which took us to Sandton City, the centre of Jo’berg. It was 200rand which is roughly 20quid. I saw the biggest bottom swaying down towards the station. It was literally like a shelf and Ellie said I’d see lots of these over here. It was hypnotising!
Our hotel was perfect, nice big room which we managed to mess up spectacularly within minutes. Had a quick shower then walked to Nelson Mandela square which has a giant brass statue of the political hero. On our way we passed a man happily chatting in to a house phone - evidently bonkers as it wasn’t plugged in.
Sandton city shopping mall was super swish and had a great selection of clothes shops, but we weren’t that interested in buying anything so headed off for lunch at Piatto. The food here was amazing - we ordered a spicy chicken and avocado pizza and a chicken and mango salad with a bottle of “Fat Bastard” wine.
It was quite surreal; neither
of us could actually believe we were together again, enjoying lovely food and wine in Johannesburg. The sun was out and I was so happy.
The wine went straight to our heads and we had lots of laughs and got deep about travelling and how it makes us feel. Sometime during our discussion we decided we’d dye Ellie's hair so feeling very squiffy we navigated our way round the shopping mall to a pharmacy and picked up the purplest colour we could find.
Back at the hotel, we clipped up the top off Ellie’s highlights and I pasted the thick goo on her hair. It took really well and El was left with a deep purple-red colour. We slept off the wine then spent an hour or so getting ready for this evenings antics.
Ellie had booked a table at a gorgeous restaurant called Koi. It served a mixture of Asian food so we ordered Calamari, a dim sum platter and Thai Beef noodles… with plenty more wine! The food was delish and Ellie introduced me to “Suitcase shots” where you put half a shot of passion fruit cordial then a shot of JD then the other half of
the cordial in your mouth and quickly swallow it down. (Big thanks to Mam who treated us to that meal).
Next we went to a busy place called Baron and propped up the bar drinking Vodka Red. A guy called Shane, who really was quite sweet, came over and bought us loads of drinks. We undressed him and Ellie ended up with his tie around her neck and I wore his gigantic suit jacket. Shane was lovely and we decided to make him an honorary Zeli member.
We forgot about the taxi we’d booked so left in a rush, which was great as two weirdo’s were about to latch on. Ellie cranked up the music so loud in the car and we threw some shapes to cheesy music en route to the Michelangelo hotel, a very very posh place.
At the bar Ellie and I set up a tab and ordered champagne, then two old men bought us mojito’s and cosmopolitan cocktails. We got soo drunk with them and they were quite happy to charge all our drinks to their room. We even ended up smoking expensive cigars in the smoking lounge. I didn’t like the taste but it
was highly entertaining. We left without paying for our champagne then stole a candlestick, box of tissues and tube of hand cream from the toilet on our way out. The lift attendant must have thought we’d totally lost the plot as it was obvious we were hiding something but fortunately he didn’t bother us. Neither of us can remember getting back to the hotel, although I do have a vague memory of standing outside the conference room shouting Helloooo through the keyhole.
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