Jumbled Mess

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Halloween was last night and I miss it. This is worse than that time I dressed up like an old lady and went trick or treating by myself because I was too old and none of my friends would go with me. I cried when I got home... I guess I felt like I was losing something, but then halloween came back full force when people realized it was an excuse to dress up in sexy costumes and get wasted. Anyway - I spent it alone, reading Kite Runner (thanks Mom) and sleeping.

I regret not writing for all this time but I had no choice. When I ame back to Accra I avoided the internet for as long as I could because I was dreading this feeling .... wanting to sum everything up, not being able to. Not even close to being able to.

I was unconscious
still worried about the small things
the world is a divided place
i saw the lines on the map
and thought
the inches were inches
and didnt realize
the size and scale
of the journey
we walk.

I spent some time in Cape Coast and after walking through the castle-dungeons that supported the slave trade i had so many things to say. I wish I had had access to write it here then, because now to take out my notebook and rewrite the feelings that were surging through me would just bring them back. today, on this beautiful morning when class has been cancelled, i just cant handle thinking and writing about the shame i feel being a human. I dont expect that to make sense. Im done with expectations is general.

I think a lot about what things I will do when I get back and I feel so fortunate to now know what I couldn't have known otherwise. I waste too much time. I don't show gratitude for that silver platter. I recognize it now.

So what else? It's been a month. I was drumming for two weeks in the Volta region in a small village called Dagbemte. It was beautiufl and breezy and we spent our nights drinking on a open air balcony. the drumming was difficult a lot of the time because i found it hard to keep up with the boys. I was the only girl and least experienced musician so i constantly had to be proving myself. it was exhausting... feeling alienated and wanting to succeed so badly. in the end i was alright, more improvement later.

everyday brings a nw set of emotions and i never quite know how to feel or what to do. It's coming time to make my decision about where i will spend my last month and what i will be doing. its a lot of deciding to do in a short amount of time. i would prefer just to have some days to make sense of it all. not that a few days would do much at this point but maybe i could breathe. maybe i could...

ive been getting some letters. when they come i feel really happy and then really sad. its so wonderful to hear news from home but it makes me miss the place where i feel safe.

we spent one day at this beach in Denu on the south east tip of ghana . the sun was perfect and the sky vast and cloduless as always.

lovelove
becca

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