One day in Egypt

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So the first thing you need to understand is that this trip was unexpected. My original schedule had me flying to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia for a 4 day engagement. The gig was schedule to end on Tuesday and I was due to fly from Saudi to my next engagement on Wednesday - a 7am flight that would put me in Budapest at 4pm with a short layover in Cairo, Egypt. Well, when I got to Riyadh, I found out that the people were only expecting me to train for 3 days and that the first day was a “Setup” day. I was further enthralled to discover that the setup had already been done for me. They had already built 4 servers, installed the OS and the product and were ready for class to begin at 10am the first day. I originally thought that this would work out well for me - I’d have an extra day to tour Saudi. This thought was replaced pretty quickly within the first 24 hours of my arrival. Feel free to picture me walking around with a smile on my face and a cartoon balloon above my head reading, “How the hell do I get out of this place asap?” Problem 1 - Multiple sand storms had made the air quality horrible. The worst air I had ever breathed. Full of dust and other stuff. China’s air had held the title previously. This stuff made me long for China. Problem 2 - the country is crazy. You have probably heard about some of the strict Muslim rules, as had I. Nothing really prepares you for living it. No alcohol. You’re in a hot, dusty dessert and you can’t have a beer. That alone is torture. I won’t go on and on about the rules - you can read them online. I will say that the rules are real - they have police that do nothing but enforce religious rules - and they’re not really even rules - some are pretty subjective. Suffice to say that I was worried enough to take out an earring that had not been removed since installation. Ok so now you can see how I ended up with a free day in Cairo. I called the Amex Travel Lady and told her - I want out of here. Instead of a Wednesday am flight - Can I have a Monday night flight. (Oh - you may be asking yourself - “He worked on the weekend?” Yes. They have a different weekend. Theirs is Thursday and Friday. Monday for them is Saturday. Lucky for me. So the first answer I get from A.T.L is that the flight will leave Monday night and get me there Wednesday am at 10am but it will take three legs and have long layovers in both airports and cost an extra 1000 bucks. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “What about just keeping my original schedule but move it up a day?” I’ll spend one more night in this hell hole and then be in Budapest a whole day early…. “Nope - can’t do that” she says. “The am flight you have on Wednesday doesn’t fly on Tuesday.” So… Long story, short - I ended up flying to Cairo at 11pm on Monday and keeping my original Cairo to Budapest flight at noon on Wednesday, giving me an unexpected 36 hours in Egypt. I had a bout with insomnia on Sunday night and had only got 4 hours of sleep so I was pretty tired Monday and not crazy about a flight that leaves at 11pm and gets in at 1:00am, but you do what you have to do, right? So I start looking for a tour that will get me “The big 3” The Egypt Museum, The Pyramids, and The Sphinx”. I find many but get sucked into the first one that Google displayed - Min Travel. A couple of email exchanges later I am booked on a tour that leaves The Marriott at 9am. The flight lands at 1, I get to the hotel around 2:30 but don’t get to sleep till about 4:30 (insomnia again) and wake up at 8:30 not feeling all that fresh. I eat a banana and head down to the lobby to meet my tour guide. My tour guide never shows up. So at 9:15 I abandon that plan and talk to the Concierge. She tells me that their tour leaves at 8am for the Pyramids. She suggested I take the afternoon tour and gave me flyers for two different group tours that left at slightly different times around noon. Then I hopped into a taxi and went to the museum. I was sure I had “sucker” written on my face, as Muhammad sidled up to me and asked if I wanted a private tour. In truth I did, since I only had about 2 hours and wanted to make the most of it. His English wasn’t horrible and he didn’t smell too bad, so I took him up on the offer. 30 bucks seemed fair to me, although I’m sure I overpaid compared to the going rate. We did the world wind tour. I saw mummies, and sarcophagi, and King Tut’s gold stuff, and jars for mummy organs, and chairs, and bowls, and statues, etc. I came to two conclusions during my tour. 1) Before I come back here, I’m reading a book or two so I have some historical background. I think that would have made the museum cooler. 2) The ancient Egyptians were crazy. I mean, I’m probably way out of order here, but when you listen to their religious beliefs, you get the feeling that the religion was made up my scared 10 year olds that just drank their first beers. They had the concept of the afterlife, but they couldn’t seem to shake the idea that you still needed you body. Propping mummy mouths open so they could answer the questions to get them past the 12 gates, etc. Oh - the animal mummies were pretty cool also. I didn’t realize that they did that. There had horses and crocs and dogs and baboons. Nothing says, “I loved this dog”, like pulling his guts out, drying him in salt, and then painting him with resin. At the end of the tour, I paid my guide. I didn’t even ask for change (so it was only 2 bucks) and he says, “A little something extra for mi, senor?” Wasn’t the whole amount “for him”? Does he have a pimp? Am I missing something? Which brings up the topic of tipping - these people want tips. I won’t go into detail however, bear in mind that I had no less than 4 people openly express that they didn’t think my tip was enough (and as I write this - I haven’t made it out of the country yet). Taxi back to the hotel - I get there 10 minutes late for first tour, but I catch the Concierge and they hold the bus for me. I hustle to it and realize I don’t have any water. “I’m sure they sell it everywhere” I think. I was wrong. We head off to Giza in a van/bus thing - me , 3 other tourists and Inera, our lovely tour guide. English was not Irena’s first language and she had memorized her guide speech, “This is a burial shaft. What is a burial shaft? A burial shaft is…” She “self-interviewed” the whole time. It made me smile. It should be noted here that Arab’s are crazy drivers. I was amazed I hadn’t been in a wreck yet. Then it happened. Our bus cut off a land rover and he ran into the side of the bus. It was awesome - like an unexpected free show as part of the tour. Both drivers got out and yelled at each other in Arabic and gestured wildly with their hands. “They are exchanging insurance information” I explained to my ‘tour-mates’. My fellow pyramid seekers are made up of a gay couple from Syria (I didn’t think they had those over here!) and a business guy from Scottland who turned red faster than a shrimp on a grill. We finally made it to the ‘mids, which sit in a kind of a slummy area and are surrounded by trash. That part was kind of sad. We drove around them and saw them from many angles while Inera explained to us about angles and history, etc. A items of interest I’ll share with you. 1) When you see the pyramids, you notice that one has a smooth top. Well, it turns out that they all used to be smooth. When the Arabs invaded they used the ‘mids as a quary and took the facing from the sides to make buildings. The one that still has its top survived cuz the stones on that one were granite (heavier) not limestone - Granite that came from a mine *500 miles away*. It’s amazing what you can do with 100,000 slaves. 2) 2 million blocks, each weighing 2-5 tons. That’s what the great pyramid is made of, Inera tells me. That’s impressive. 3) If you want to go inside, you have to get there at 7 or 8 am and secure one of the 100 tickets that are on sale each day for inside tours. 4) Not a lot of water for sale out there. Inera asks if any of us want to ride a camel. I say, “I do”. I’m the only taker. She takes me to Ali (Like Ali Baba and the 40 thieves) who wraps a scarf around my bald and rapidly reddening head (It’s really hot and I didn’t bring a hat - UNEXPECTED TRIP - remember) and then sets me on my camel. KFC (I didn’t ask why that was his name) gets up and we head out. I’m pretty sure I’m destined to fall of this thing as there are no stirrups and the saddle was pretty unsaddle like and didn’t afford much leverage. He asked me if I want to gallop - foolishly I say yes. Ali starts making clicking noises and my camel takes off. I let it go on for about 3 seconds and then start yelling to Ali as my bum begins to slide to the left. Ali (laughing like a guy hearing an old but funny joke) slows the camel down and I get repositioned and he continue our journey. After awhile I feel like I’m getting the hang of it and ask Ali if I can have the reins and “ride him myself”. He looks at me like I’ve lost it, but hands them over. Tells me to click to go faster and say “jush” to slow him down. I confirm that pulling to the left will make him turn left and vise versa and get a thumbs up. So I take off - clicking and kicking and making noises like camel-backed Arabs I’d seen in movies - “yi yi yi yi yi yi yi!”. KFC keeps looking back at me like I’d lost my mind, “What the hell are you doing?” His gaze seemed to say. At least he didn’t spit at me. Alas my ride was over. I paid Ali his 15 bucks (good deal, I tought) and of course get the, “A little be for mi, senor?” question. 5 more for Ali. He wasn’t impressed. He takes back his scarf and I head back to the bus. My ‘tour-mates’ were impressed I drove the beast myself. Next we checked out some temple next to the Sphinx and the Sphinx itself. It’s in pretty rough shape. I think Hollywood makes it look better in the movies. Finally I spy a guy with an ice chest selling water. I only have 9 of the 10 pounds he asks for, but he hands over the water anyway. Now we’re off to make Inera some money. She takes us to some bazaar where we are supposed to by “authentic” “government approved” trinkets. We all decline. Next is the Papyrus Institute. “Institute” makes it sound like it’s a school, right. Wrong. It’s a picture store with a guy that gives you a 5 minute demo on how to make papyrus. BTW - this stuff is pretty cool. It’s way easy to make and lasts 1000s of years. One guys buys an acrylic of Elvis on Papyrus. Just kidding - they didn’t have elvis. They had Clinton and Monroe but no Elvis. I voiced my opinion of this to the manager. I don’t know what my tour buddy bought but it sure took a long time. Finally we were done. Back to the hotel we went and ended with the tipping of the tour guide ceremony. I was out of Egyptian money so I handed Inera a wad of US $1s. She seemed happy. It was 4pm. I was hot and tired so I napped, woke, ate, slept and in a few hours will head off to Budapest. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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