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Travelling with my boyfriend/kinda ex

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Travelling with my boyfriend in 3 weeks time for a year who wants to break up and says he needs time on his own, what should i do?
5 years ago, August 23rd 2008 No: 1 Msg: #46494  
N Posts: 1
Hey,

Need advise on what to do here, I am going travelling in 3 weeks time for a year to australia with my boyfriend of 6 1/2 years, well my ex now i suppose. Sunday past he told me that he wanted to finish, that he doesnt know what he wants to do with his life and he needs time out on his own, but it could not have came at a worse time for me. We were living together for the past year up until june past in england, although i moved back to ireland where i am from for a couple of months to see my family and friends before i head away, my boyfriend stayed put as he was unable to get a job over here so thought he would stay there and earn some cash. He came back for a week in july for his twin brothers wedding, where we spent the week together and everything was fine. That week when he was home everyone kept saying to him and myself \'whens your big day, and your next\' and stuff which is pretty normal considering we are together so long although we arent ready for that commitment yet as we are both only 23 and finished uni, he says that kinda freaked him out abit. He came back from england a week and a half ago and then out of the blue he sprang this on me, he says hes being feeling like this since a couple weeks after i left england.

Friends and family recon it may be cold feet just because it is me and him going, then there is the possibility that he was seeing someone else in england and feels now the need to be single.

He says he stills wants me to go travelling with him, but he needs a few months for a time out on his own once we get there, this has being my dream for years to go away and see the world, i always said i would do it with or without him although i never imagined doing it on my own but maybe with a friend.

please can people advise me on how they dealt with a similar situation or maybe advise how my boyfriend may be feeling this way and is it normal to freak out before heading about travelling.

my head is soo fried, any time i ask him what he wants, he says he doesnt know, he says he still loves me and that i am the best thing that has happened to him but then how could he do this to me so close to us heading away together to the other side of the world!

help!!!
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5 years ago, August 23rd 2008 No: 2 Msg: #46513  
Hello Christian :)

That sucks for sure. Whatever you are doing with your life it sucks if your relationship is not working.

What I would do in this situation is give him the space he needs but stay receptive to what he may have to offer relationshipwise in the future. Go to Australia separately and travel separately. If he wants to meet up, then be open to that but without expectations. See other guys too. Maybe you and your boyfriend will get back together or maybe not. Maybe you might even be the one who will want to stay separate.

Mel Reply to this

5 years ago, August 23rd 2008 No: 3 Msg: #46519  
B Posts: 212
I would guess that maybe yes, he has freaked out a bit - travelling together is very intense as you'll be together 24 hours a day, which you aren't at home, even when living together. Although you might both be working while you travel, it's still more intense, as there's a lot more you have to rely on each other for when you're away; although you'll meet other travellers, all your main support systems which you have at home (family and friends) won't be around. He's a guy, so this kind of thing, however much he loves you, will probably be scaring him
I think it's unlikely he's been seeing someone else -(though obviously I don't know that for sure). I would imagine that you would have sensed that particular kind of distance from him, way before he said anything about wanting to finish.

He sounds confused: he wants to finish, but then again still wants to travel with you (and I don't think he's saying that because he feels bad about letting you down, if he didn't want to, he wouldn't). And that he loves you and you're the best thing that's happened to him. I don't know, maybe he felt more of that pressure because he's a twin, and it was his twin who was getting married, so it was a double whammy, combined with the comments about when the two of you were going to get hitched.

To be honest, I would talk to him again. Don't ask him what he wants, ask him what he feels and tell HIM how YOU feel - both to try and clarify what it is he's actually feeling, and also to make sure that whatever you end up doing re travelling, it's not just falling in with the way he wants it - ie travelling with you till he decides, then separating. And travelling on what basis together? as friends, or more? You need to feel happy enough with whatever is decided between you, however much you might feel now that if you don't travel with him, it'll mean being on your own, or if you don't agree with the way he wants things, you'll lose him altogether etc etc - I don't know what's going on in your mind, just guessing here. You don't need to say it in an accusing way, but after so long, and with these plans you've had, you deserve to know more - ok, he's a man and will find it difficult to know what he feels let alone say it, but just saying he's freaked out isn't really enough. Maybe you could ask him how he visualised your time away together previously. It's possible maybe all he needs is the chance to be a warrior man and go off into the jungle by himself (symbolically speaking) for times while you're away - maybe he'd be happy with a situation that you're basically travelling together (and together as boyfriend/girlfriend) but that there might be times when he (or YOU!) want to go off for a month or a couple of weeks here and there, just to experience the lone travelling thing. Maybe he felt he couldn't say that to you all the time you were planning it, so now he has freaked out completely and thinks he has to be really extreme in order to feel he has space. Honestly, it really annoys me how men always say women are complicated - trying to find your way round their emotional life is harder than finding your way round the world.
Hell, I don't know. I could go on forever. I think it's important you work out what it is you're really feeling about everything. Sounds like a really painful place to be in, but I'd take heart from his confusion (if you can) - if it was clear cut he didn't want to be with you, then he would cancel the travelling altogether (or at least cancel going with you). Good luck :)

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5 years ago, August 25th 2008 No: 4 Msg: #46612  
If it was meant to be, you two would be happy together. I would move on and enjoy life. This is something you cannot force. He does not feel the same about you as you feel about him. He has no interest in you and he wants to be with other women.
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5 years ago, August 25th 2008 No: 5 Msg: #46647  

5 years ago, August 25th 2008 No: 6 Msg: #46670  
B Posts: 24
I'm with Mell on this one...you've gotta give him the space. And hard as it might be, give yourself the space too, to digest what's happening - maybe a little holiday by yourself, on a beach.
Don't let it put you off travelling, since it's your dream...trust your capacity to enjoy it alone, or with him , or with other travelling companions... and trust that as things move along , you WILL make sense of it all.
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5 years ago, September 1st 2008 No: 7 Msg: #47467  
You could always come travelling with me. I like the Irish..... Reply to this

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