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Published: February 8th 2014
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It's finally happened. I've reached the age when all of my high school friends are engaged, married, have children, or are expecting. Every single one of them. I recently visited one of the old gang to meet her new daughter. Watching my friend with her baby was bizarre and yet completely normal at the same time. We're long past the point of being impressed with ourselves for being gainfully employed (although it is pretty fantastic that none of us are living with our parents in this tough economy). Being in a relationship is no longer a big topic of conversation; instead, we discuss wedding dresses, maternity clothes, engagement rings, and gift registries. Well, I should clarify--they discuss those things. I mainly listen and nod.
I'm the odd one out. Still single, no prospects in sight. At first, each new announcement would provoke a pang of...what? Envy? Despair? Competition? Perhaps a small dollop of each (along with genuine happiness for these women who were such a big part of my life at one time). But that's exactly it--they were a big part of my life
at one time. Sometime between college graduation and sleepless nights (babies for them; late night karaoke
for me), we chose different paths.
My parents got married when my mom was 29 years old. In May of this year, I will be 30. As a girl, I hypothesized that I would be married by 28 and have my first child around 30. It wasn't necessarily a plan of action, but instead what seemed to be the expected norm at the time. It seemed inevitable; after all, all of the other expected items on my list had been checked off: graduate from high school? Check. Attend a world-renowned university? Check. Immerse myself in music and foreign language? Check and check. However, I've never been one to have a really concrete five-year plan. Life isn't really neat and tidy; the unexpected is often the best part. Although I don't tend to think of myself as a go-with-the-flow personality, that's exactly how my life has been run so far. Part of the reason for that may be my extended residence abroad in China. Living in a country that is changing so rapidly necessitates an attitude that isn't easily rankled by the small stuff. The building where I practiced the piano is torn down without prior notice in order to
make way for an Olympics facility? Find a new location to practice! The smog is so thick that I can't see the building next door? Stay inside and curl up with a book! This is not to say that learning to be this way didn't have a steep learning curve--it did. But once that challenge was defeated, it's been (mostly) smooth sailing from there.
Admittedly, one of the reasons I decided to move back to the United States from China in early 2012 was to find love. Sure, the other reasons were certainly important--the pollution was classified as dangerous by U.S. Embassy air quality standards far too many days in a row; I needed to begin thinking about saving for retirement; I had missed far too many holidays, family celebrations, and friends' weddings. Deep down, though, I really wanted to find a partner with whom to build a life. I thought it would be so easy. Move back to the U.S., find a job, find the love of my life. Zip, zap, zoom!
Wrong-o.
Dating is hard. Although Minneapolis has no shortage of young professionals, it can be difficult to find someone with whom one is truly
compatible. The more dud dates I had, the more discouraged I felt. I didn't feel my standards were too high (let's face it; I'm not going to be compatible with someone whose greatest passion is blowing the brains out of deer in the forest). I value myself as an individual and know what I have to offer a relationship. So, what gives?
Perhaps you thought that the end of this blog would be a happy tale of how I finally found my perfect match. I'm sorry to disappoint you. However, the happy ending is this: I was able to let go of the temptation to compare my life with those of my friends. Even if I never end up getting married, I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had for anything. Over the past six years, I have traveled to Mount Everest Base Camp in Tibet; prayed with monks in Thailand; eaten noodles from a roadside stand in Vietnam; learned about my heritage in Poland; traced the footsteps of early Christianity in Israel and Jordan; crisscrossed Italy with my brother; had Thanksgiving dinner on the beach in Mexico. I have an amazing job that provides me with the opportunity to
become continually more fluent in Chinese--a job that I never could have earned had I not taken the chances I did at the time that I did.
As the poet Robert Frost wrote:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
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Home and Away
Bob Carlsen
Thank you for sharing such a personal issue...
which I believe is very appropriate within the TB community. I Follow many that share a similar choice to travel and live in foreign lands with similar consequences. I sensed that your move back to the U.S. was to find love and return to a "normal life." Many (most) Americans can't relate to someone who has lived overseas. I lived most of my life overseas, and was lucky enough to marry right after college and take my new wife to Thailand for my first job. We shared almost 3 years there and then 18 years in Germany and Belgium, where our kids were born. My kids had a terrible time moving the the U.S. for the first time when they were young...no one could relate to their sharing of what they thought were everyday experiences. Mention any experience living in Europe and you get shunned quickly. Our circle of friends in the U.S. also narrowed to those who visited us in Europe and had a broader perspective. I hope you find such a group of friends. Universities would seem to be a natural place to find such friends, but even there those with an international perspective are a narrow subset. My sister, also a Third Culture Kid, and her husband work with the international students at Clemson to find that fellowship. And you have mentioned your faith...certainly an group with international interest with the further advantage of shared values. So don't give up looking for that special person as you are also a very special person!