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Published: August 9th 2013
Kangaroo Paw
Western Australia's floral emblemThis was actually supposed to be a long rant about Australia, but I'm starting to wonder what the point is. I'm getting tired and weary just thinking about it. Every time I read a piece of Australian news that is so silly and outrageous that it is only possible in the Antipodes, where people's feet point backwards and they wear hats on their buttocks, my only reaction is to roll my eyes and quickly move on. There you go, the longer you let a blog sit unwritten, the more unlikely it is to become anything of value.
My fourth visit to the Great Southern Continent turned out to be quite a pleasant one, mostly because my time was limited and I didn't have the pressure of trying to find a job and making a living, as it was the case during my stopovers 1-3. However, the issues and gripes I have with this country had been festering during my absence, and were doused with fresh vitriol when I returned. Now that that has worn off again, I'm anxiously awaiting my impending fifth stay, when I fully expect to have my memory refreshed, so I might be able to actually write
a proper rant. Until then, let's take a little look at some random news (some of them rather old) in no particular order:
Only in Australia would
a radio moderator ask the Prime Minister in an interview: "Your partner, he's gay, isn't he? I mean, come on, he's a hairdresser, he must be gay." Instead of telling him off for being an incredible dickhead, Julia Gillard goes: "That's absurd." The guy just keeps pushing: "He's gay. That's not me saying it." -"Oh, Howard..." "So you can confirm that he's not?" -"Don't be ridiculous. Of course, he's not." He keeps interrupting her, while she's trying to explain herself for a preposterous, defamatory, offensive, rude innuendo that violates her private life and the dignity of all homosexuals and hairdressers.
One of my favourite Austalian headlines remains
"Weeping leader confesses to chair-sniffing". It's about a now infamous incident where the WA opposition leader sniffed the chair of a female staffer after she got up. Even though his party mates were 'disgusted', they didn't oust him "because there is no alternative to Mr Buswell as leader". Misogyny is a huge issue in Australia, especially in politics.
Just ask Julia Gillard.
A French girl
gets abused and threatened with death for singing on the bus...in French. An angry drunk racist tells her to
"SPEAK ENGLISH OR DIE MOTHERFUCKER", while an even angrier bloke, who actually pushes a small child in a pram, tells the poor, intimidated French girl to step off the bus, before getting off himself and smashing the bus window in. That's a guy who procreated. Nobody stopped him or told him it might be a bad idea. Just a normal night out in Australia, I reckon.
Some chick representing the ultra-right wing political party One Nation says in a hilarious interview that
she doesn't oppose Islam as a country, but feels that their laws should not be allowed in Australia. Also, she talks about evil Halal food and constantly refers to it as 'haram', which is actually an Islamic term for something forbidden by God. She does get onto a bit of a roll after that and claims Jews follow Jesus Christ and the government should cut its 'five-star budget' to more of an 'economy budget'. Curiously, these days, One Nation struggles to even get 1%!o(MISSING)f the votes in any state or federal election, despite the fact that this would be the perfect party for the racist white Australian majority to vote.
***
All of these were actually found on
the internet, but while in Perth, I challenged myself and my brain cells in turning on the television and watching the news. On 9th August, 2012, Nine News WA presented the following in a short afternoon newsflash:
- In Willeton, police have found three exotic snakes inside a home
- Jennifer Lopez, "the world's most powerful celebrity", will come to Perth for a concert at Perth stadium in December
- Plus, a bear with a sweet tooth caught on camera
Snakes! Jennifer Lopez! A bear! Just picture your brain if you watch news like that every day, all your life. Perth's biggest newspaper, The West Australian, isn't any better. 50% of each edition appears to be about Aussie rules football. The other half is usually a mixture of local and Australian news, usually including the shark attack of the week, gossip about celebrities, stories about the latest racist remarks by politicians/public figures or racist incidents on the train, some blonde chick telling her story about getting gangbanged by the whole local rugby/Aussie rules team, arrivals of more boat people (yes, they do actually call refugees 'boat people' in the media...it's Australia, you won't understand until you've been there)
in Broome/Christmas Island/Geraldton, glassings in Northbridge and drunk violence in obscure suburbs.
***
To me, Terra Australis still is the imaginary continent. Every time I set foot on that sunburnt soil, it is as if I've been sucked into a wormhole somewhere inside the world that I know, that I'm familiar with, and spat out in a parallel universe. The sky looks different, so does the ground, the people look and act very differently, I've already mentioned the news, even my whole body feels different. Strange birds populate the clear blue skies, their calls reminding me that I'm not at home anymore. Still, by now they start feeling familiar. There's the warbling of the magpie, the cawing and sighing of the raven, the hysterical cackling of the kookaburra, the high-pitched screeching and indignant complaining of the galah. It becomes comforting.
What wasn't comforting was that on this trip, I went from prince in Malaysia to pauper in Perth, as during my three-year absence prices had gone up at least 50%, if not more. The strong Australian dollar didn't help. How about going to a pub and drinking a pint of beer
for $12, i.e. €9? Relatively low-quality beer, that is. Seeing that it's probably the only pint you'll be able to afford this month, you try to savour it, which is a little difficult, as the waitress rocks up every 10 minutes to ask if you want to order another one. Once you've finished, they basically usher you out, as they need the table for cashed-up fuckers ready to get drunk as fast as possible after work.
Also, Andrew had a new girlfriend. I don't like her.
I didn't do any cycling this time, as I wasn't in the mood to get the inevitable "Fuck you, cyclist!" and "Get off the road, ya cunt!" by angry bogans in their utes or SUVs. Maybe a more Australian way to deal with this would be for me to carry an eight-ball in a sock for such unpleasant occasions. I should at least consider that.
***
One thing I really do like about Perth is King's Park. It's probably my favourite park worldwide. You get well-manicured British-style lawns, a plethora of wildflowers and native trees, sprawling bushland, cafés, and the best views of the Perth skyline
(hahahahahaha...actually, I should hold my tongue, I guess Perth just might pull a Doha and produce a real skyline out of nothing in the next 5-10 years, the way things are going) and the beautiful Swan River. King's Park is great for picnics, walking, running, practising the digeridoo and taking a nap on the grass. You can also walk around and marvel at the war memorials. The last time I counted eleven statues and monuments to wars. They include World War I, Gallipoli, World War II, the Kokoda Trail campaign, the Korean War and the Vietnam War. Not to mention all the plaques of different companies, squadrons and batallions that are scattered all over the place. It appears as if Australia is slightly obsessed with its role in those wars. Maybe I'm just envious, as I'm from a country where there's not a whole lot to glorify. Oh, speaking of which, there's also an Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander memorial somewhere. A mere afterthought without much attention to detail or historical veracity, naturally. But let's not get into that in this blog, it would take way too long.
I also managed to participate in the Perth City to Surf
Half Marathon. It was quite an experience competing in a race in Perth. I realised it's a lot hillier than I thought. Passing through King's Park and running all the way to City Beach is something, when you know how long it takes by car. Some nagging injuries prevented me from performing better, but at least I completed the race in a respectable time. Far from my personal best, but I had fun and a lot of support from J. and family. Homemade sushi after a race is the best, I'm tellin' ya.
One thing I noticed was the large number of people running in teams, wearing the same sponsored t-shirts with the logos of their employers, mostly mining or oil companies like Chevron, Santos, Rio Tinto and BHP. Can somebody please explain to me, when have Australians become so fucking corporate? What happened to the little Aussie battler persevering against all odds, struggling against the fat cats who try to exploit him and keep him down? I know, the mining boom happened, and everybody's cashed up now. But do they really love their co-workers so much that they want to run in a team with them, all wearing
the same uniform? Teambuilding exercise on the weekend? Fuck that! I would be ashamed to do that, but then I probably have a very different mindset and other values and principles.
Another annoyance were the (fundraising?) runners wearing shirts that said 'I run for a reason' or 'Run against cancer'. I'm sure I saw a 'I run against boat people'-shirt at kilometre 17. I'm tempted to wear a 'I run for no fucking reason'-shirt the next time I participate. Or what about 'I run against children'? Or 'I strongly dislike running next to corporate cashed-up bogans'? I'm sure I wouldn't make it to the finish line, for somewhere along the way a spectator or fellow participant would glass or king-hit me for being a smart-arse. There's nothing Australians hate more than a smart-arse. Except for Abos and Lebs and Curries and Wogs and Japs and Towelheads and Chinks, maybe. They really hate those guys, I think.
***
Hm, I guess it did turn into a bit of a rant, after all. Wasn't planned. To be fair, Australia is a really easy target. Just watch that interview with the One Nation-chick again. What I
didn't mention is that it's also a country that's easy to fall in love with. I do love the country. I love the nature, the flora and fauna, the beaches, the vast blue skies and endless horizons. Sometimes I even appreciate the people's good-natured banter and ribbing. I do have to admit, I have a hard time getting their humour. One thing is for sure, Australians are always good for a surprise. As to me, I always find several good reasons to return to Australia, if only for a short time, until the reasons to leave (Fuck off! as Aussies would say...) have piled up and I do the sensible thing and go on my way.
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Dancing Dave
David Hooper
You are warned
Can't be fairer than that...suggest you don't go swimming Jens when you visit OZ...sharks don't discriminate in these waters!