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Published: December 5th 2011
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Ric: (You might not believe this but every bit is true)
Hello there, so me and Naz have been thinking about how to explain what has been happening whilst we have been in this southwestern part of the Thai peninsula. The night before we left Phi Phi we dined with a big group of people from Brazil, Czech Rebublic, Sweden and England. After a night of whiskey fuelled shananigans and loud electro music, we met up with three lovely brazilian girls and headed to Krabi with them by boat. Although we had discussed playing music and singing on the boat the night before, there was very litlle conversation to be made as we were all pathetically hungover.
So anyway, the night we got to Krabi us and the girls decided to go and check out the local amenities. After very little searching (because there was nothing there), we followed the sound of a peculiar noise that lead us into a bar aptly named Crazy Gringos, where we found a woman screaming "Hey Makarena" into a microphone. Our poor judgement lead us to find that it was not Karaoke but in fact a live act, so we sat
in anticipation and ordered a few beers on "crazy beer hour" rates (70p a pint), waiting to see what she'd pull out of the bag next. Within half an hour we were both up, belting out "Valerie" and the infamous "I gotta feeling" whilst the 4 other, middle-aged spectators, who were trying to have a nice meal, didnt seem to 'have the feeling" at all.
The next night, having spent the day at Raylay beach, we went for a much anticipated thai massage. We made sure two of the girls were with us as we didnt want to get lead into an oil massage with happy ending, aka rape. The four of us lay side by side and watched the first masseuse come in, an unconvincing tranny. Luckily, he stood over one of the girls rather than either of us. As the next 3 came in, I was lucky enough to get the fittest one! Wooh! She kneeled on my back and started the thai massage, then started to sing. At this point me and Naz couldn't contain our laughter and must have upset her. The majority of the experience was relaxing (apart from the odd groan when Naz
was being twisted like a wet towel just about to be whipped off someones arse), however when I turned around (still with my eyes closed) and felt the hand that was massaging mine, was in fact about twice the size, I became very concerned. I opened my eyes, and there s/he was!
The next day just the usual, sun, sea, relaxation...and running away from thai masseuses. The night however was very eventful. It was raining golf balls so we decided to nip out in our matching NUFC raincoats to the local supermarket to buy us and the girls some cheap beers. After playing some immature uni-esque drinking games, we decided to go out and see what the Krabi nightlife was all about. With one of the girls, Anna, we headed for what we now call the 'thai girls strip'. This one very small street was littered with thai prostitutes and ladyboys that acted like vultures to the fresh meat coming in. We gave in to a particularly persistent one, so we sat down and played some games (the usual connect 4, jenga etc..) Whilst me and Anna were engaged in a competive game, Naz was being chatted up by a petite madame, who had an attractive smile and no rotten teeth.... Bonus. I dont know how long we had been sitting with our backs to him, but the next thing I saw was Naz approaching us looking like he had seen a ghost. I had never seen trauma like it, sitting by the side of the road trying to get a word from him, he plucked up the courage to tell me what had happened...behind the scenes of the seedy bar we were sitting in, three butch tranvestites cornered him and pulled down their pants screaming "pusssssyyyyy...yeah yu wan pusssseeeey??" whilst tucking their manhood between their legs and hopping like bunnies towards him. However, when one of them jumped a little too high and everything fell out, that was the point when Naz came and told us we had to leave... NOW.
If you thought that was our fix with ladyboys in Krabi, you would be mistaken. The best one of them all, and the one we saved till last, was our hostel host and the one we called Dr Frank-N-Furter, because of its striking resemblance to the rocky horror show transexual. After seeing the different types of ladyboy out there, me and Naz can expertly say that she looked NOTHING like a woman. She had recently shaven and had lipstick on her chin and teeth, she was also sporting a receding hairline...although Gok Wan would be proud of her fashion sense, as she was dressed in a a frilly polkadot pink ensemble. Her creepy smile made our stomachs churn and Naz even admitted to almost being sick after his paranoia took over when he dried his face in a towel imagining where this towel may have been.... Her hairy bollocks maybe!!
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Anna
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hahahahahaha I'm here with Camila, laughing about the great time that we had!! Was very nice to meet you boys!! Have a nice trip and see you in Brazil!