Norway

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Norway consists of 2 over enthusiastic Norwegian girls with American accents. One pretty and clearly aware of it (Norway 1) and one a bit tubby and painfully obviously Norway 1's sidekick (Norway 2). Even though this makes me feel slightly sorry for Norway 2, as soon as she opens her mouth my empathy seems to miraculously dissipate.

Now it's not just the fact that they are European but speak with American accents - although we have all agreed this is reason enough in itself to dislike them...it's the fact that they unfortunately fall into that bracket of people who feel the need to tell you with great over zealousness just what an AMAZING and SUPERB and 'totally authentic' time they are having. They are the girls that if you have been to Thorpe Park they have been to Universal Studios, if you have met Jake Gillenhal, they have had dinner and a threesome with him, if you have gone on a safari and saw a tiger, they have seen a pack of ten standing on each others heads singing Pavarotti....you get my point. They are in essence the 'one uppers'.

Now normally I would say 'bygones' and be on my merry little way but it seems that 'Incredible India' only use a limited amount of hotels in each city so everywhere we rock up - there's Norway waiting to pounce on us with another enthralling tale of what a 'totally awesome' time they are having. Seriously – if I could rip off my own leg and beat them with it I would be tempted. This may just be us being cynical happy-tourist hating bastards but I like to think that they are just pretentious prats in silly trousers (yes when it isn't us in the trousers they are silly).

Anyway, recently they managed to pop up as we were chilling out with our drinks in Jaisalmer and told us within the first 5 seconds that their 'amazing' driver (who was not a whisky drinking sex pest) had taken them to meet some family friends and they had spent the night getting dressed up and hennaed and dotted on because, in their words (queue phony American accent), "they just think we're really awesome". Norway 1 then said "yeh we're not even really staying at this hotel but they just looove us so much.....oh and we obviously love them, so we just come over to say hi and make their day". Excuse me whilst I throw up in my mouth. After nodding along politely and listening to their 'awesome' stories for what felt like an eternity Me, Matt & Dodds politely said good bye reaaaaaallllly nicely and as soon as they were out of sight erupted into a true British bitch fest.

Later that day Dodds poked her head out of the widow to find Norway 2 by the pool writing some postcards. She made some pleasantries and Norway 2 asked what we were up to tonight. "Oh nothing much just going for some dinner and chilling out a bit.... (with forced effort)....and you". "Well we've been invited to this, like, awesome party by our driver’s family. They want us to go out with them so they can spoil us and give us a really good time. I guess it will be, like, reaaaaally authentic, like a real Indian experience. We're sooooo lucky”. That was enough for Dodds - the window was quickly shut and fastened before we all began to piss ourselves.

The thing is although we realize that they are ridiculous human beings and we should therefore continue to simple mock ad laugh at them, we can’t help feeling a bit bruised by the fact that they are still managing to have all these ‘crazy’ times. Where’s our local family with henna kits ad private parties?! Trust us to end up with the driver that is the laughing stock of all of the other drivers. I’m pretty sure if we asked Sanjay to take us to hang out with some family friends we’d end up in some sort of brothel.

So now everything we do is ever so slightly tainted with this urge to gain an amazing story out of it just so when Norway next rock up we can be like “BAM! Amazing story in you face!”. Theirs are probably made up anyway. I do secretly hope that they maybe slightly get their comeuppance though….nothing serious but an allergy to all of the henna they are adorned in or maybe a bad case of the shits from one of their “amazing” family meals wouldn’t go amiss…..and this is why I’m not religious because I can’t make statements like this without worrying God or Buddha will bring me back as some sort of deformed slug. As it stands I have no religion so I will continue to bitch with the best of them - 5 years at a girls school has finally come into use :p

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Comments

[Amy]

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Jazzybum they sound just awful!! I'd sabotage them if I were you! Lace their drinks with laxatives and such lol! Or at least yawn really exaggeratedly whenever they open their mouths to talk lol! Miss you xxxxxxxxxxxx