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Published: April 7th 2006
Finding my Motivation
Preparing for the role of a lifetime, dead tourist in a hallway. A dream has been realized, I finally got to see some real African animals roaming semi-freely in Africa. Many of you might not know this, but I am a bit of an “animal expert” in addition to being a total nerd. When I was little, my parents enrolled me in this animal index card club that sent out glossy photos with all kinds of facts on the back, like gestation times (elephant=22 months), habitat, and habits. So every month, little Breck would run to the mailbox, pull out the package, and greedily unwrap the cellophane from the cards. He would then force his little brother and sister to play safari games where the hunter (always little brother) inevitably ended up being gored to death by some sort of tusk, antler, or horn. I was officially declared an “animal expert”, however, by Kim Livingston in March of 2002. It originally had a derogatory tone to it, as it followed a rather heated argument over whether the cute furry little mammal that ran in front of the church bus was a chipmunk or a ground squirrel (it was obviously a ground squirrel with its bushy tail and gray coat, but without photo
The Setting
The view the girls saw when peeping around their door. documentation the debate still flares up occasionally to this day).
Cut to early Saturday morning. After a raucous braai (barbeque) in which 15+ bottles of vino were consumed and some beers, we follow our rag-tag band into a large white bus with a coke-bottle bespeckled tour guide named Adreas. The 11 still-groggy students are discussing the nights events, chiefly the intoxicated roamings of previously pictured Clay Cochran: future neurosurgeon. Even though his bedroom was a good 100 yards and a couple flights of stairs away, said neurosurgeon somehow managed to collapse onto the bed of said “animal expert” at 2:30 in the morning. Friends say that said animal expert was seen at 1am curled into fetal position at the bottom of his bed, but at the time of the incident, the exact position of said animal expert is not known. Needless to say, said animal expert was alarmed when the event occurred, but owing to the time and his incredible sleepiness, he was hesitant to make voice to his concerns. Thus, said future neurosurgeon snored away, uninterrupted except for a handful of punches from said animal expert to attempt to quiet him, for three hours before finally getting up
Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil
Having some refreshments outside of a bar on Pretoria's campus corner. and leaving. This whole event would have gone on without so much fanfare except for two things. Number one: While being mallrats one night last week half of the group went to see a movie, Brokeback Mountain. The other half, of which future neurosurgeon was a part of, vehemently argued against the defilement of the American institution of the cowboy. Number two: Three members of the group (the lovely ladies staying just down the hall) were still peaved by the April Fool’s gag that had been played on them the morning before, involving a bottle of ketchup, a butcher knife, and the fake death of the “animal expert”. So the end result was much ribbing and an endless parade of jokes at both future neurosurgeon and animal expert’s expense.
Suddenly, as the bus jerks forward out of the driveway, comes the booming germanic voice of Andreas (picture the narrator from Grizzly Man). “These plant’s are leeeeeving fossils.” And with that extreme non-sequitor, the tour begins.
When we finally got to the Lion and Rhino Park (after driving by the blatant poverty of squatter’s camps and “the most polluted river in the world” with it’s countless strains of sewage generated
Gettin' some Groceries
Tif enjoying the more streamlined carts they have out here. bacteria, the beauty of the countryside was unraveled. I was struck by how similar it appeared to the area around Black Mesa where I grew up. I tried to picture elephants and lions running free back in No Man’s Land. The stories my grandpa would have been able to tell had he dealt with rhinos eating his crops and cheetah chasing his cattle. Not to say that his tales of rabbit plagues and shoot-outs aren’t sufficiently entertaining. It took little time before the park shared it’s bounty with us. We first saw a herd of waterbuck. These antelope which are unfortunately slow and clumsy have had to develop an alternate protective mechanism. They have a gland that secretes a nasty little substance into their blood when they get very stressed (such as when being chased by a predator). Essentially what happens is the meat becomes inedible, discouraging repeat predation. The African people try to get around this endocrine defense by rapidly cutting the organ out after the antelope has been killed.
The next treat was a couple of ostriches. These poultry of the Safari are not nearly as helpless, nor as idiotic, as their domesticated fowl brethren, the chicken.
The are actually quite temperamental and dangerous. Andreas informed us that when they attack the best defense is a good game of possum. Lay on your back and play dead. They will come over to you and stand on you for awhile. This is not exactly comfortable (they weigh as much as a hefty type two diabetic, 250-350 lbs), but the survival rate is in the 80 percent range. However, if you decide to stand your ground, they will use their large claws to eviscerate you, survival rate: 25 percent. This reminded me of when Uncle Tim’s giant tom turkey would chase me and try to knock me down on my way to the school bus. My parents wanted me to be brave and they gave me a plastic toy sword to fend Sir Gobler off with. Unfortunately, the turkey proved the better swordsman and pinned me on my back one day. After my mom peeled him off of me in front of the whole bus, Sir Gobler went to turkey heaven and I had to go to counseling.
Then the King of the Jungle made an appearance. A mini traffic jam had developed out in the bush and
The 'lopes
Gratuitous defecation shot at the root of it was not your typical flat tire or fender-bender, but instead a line of lions was slowly ambling down the road. We were too far back to get a good picture of them and several people expressed a desire to open the door and lean out for better pictures. That was the impetus for Andreas’ next When-Animals-Attack story. Many a tourist has been eaten by the lions. But one particular episode stands out in his mind. A group of Chinese tourists wanted to take some closer pictures of the cute little kitty-cats. So they piled out into the bush for some typical tourist posing. There was a whole car load of them, but only one survived, the one taking the pictures. Apparently the lion's mode of attack is to slap at the head and break the neck before digging in. Jimmy said that all the lions saw were giant egg roles which, while tasteless, is not racist because Jimmy is some sort of Chinese. We did eventually get to drive right up next to some of the lions and it was amazing how huge they are.
Later, on the way to the Vulture Feeding grounds,
The Stoic King
This guy posed just 20 feet away for several minutes. we saw some Eland. These antelope are the biggest in Africa. They are not only huge, but they are also very fast and can jump 3 meters supposedly. Once at the vulture area, the stench of dead carcass became almost oppressive. The vultures, or Aasvoles as they are called in Afikaans, themselves are thought to be quite clean creatures, though. This is what Andreas said, but I, myself, am rather skeptical.
Close to the end of the safari, we spotted some zebra and with them was their faithful companion, the blue gnu. Blue gnus (or wildebeest) are very alert creatures and usually the first to become alert to a predator. Thus they give the zebras a heads up, literally. The wildebeest also benefit from this relationship, as the black and white stripes of the zebra herd when running create a pattern that is difficult for the predator to distinguish individual animals in. The wildebeest simply gets lost in this pattern. They (okay, Andreas again) say that the tsetse fly that carries sleeping sickness is unable to see a zebra with its compound eyes. Thus zebras are thus not susceptible to parasitic typanisomes. Black and white and blue all working
The Wide Open ?
Yes, mom, I remember how to spell prairie still. In the Lion and Rhino Park. together, what a lesson for not only Africa, but everyone else as well.
The day was finished off with a romp in the Lion Cub Petting Pen. For only 20 rand ($3.25), you can get in a pen with 3 month old lion cubs and play with them for 15 minutes. This is probably the most touristy thing I have done so far in Africa. Most everybody that was doing it was foreign (Brits, Germs, and Americans). At one point this little German girl said, “Mommy, why are there so many Americans here?” After waiting in line for a good while, we were released upon the defenseless cubs. There were about 8 of them with two being tiger kittens. They were cute and cuddly and fuzzy and borderline mean as hell. At 3 months they already had an aggressiveness that scared the Siegfried and Roy out of me. So I threw the stuffed Barney around with them a bit and held one of the tigers for a second and petted them all the while trying to not get attacked. Jayson came home with several bites and a nasty looking lion hickey, but he seems to think it was worth
At the Sterkfontein Crater of Life Caves
Navigating the tight fits at these caves where "the missing link" was supposedly recently discovered, Littlefoot. it. As for me, I came away a little jaded. Andreas said that these cubs are sold once they reach a certain age because it is impossible to remove the aggressiveness from them forever. They are sold to either breeding farms, zoos, or as “canned lions” which are basically “released into the wild” in a game reserve and then shot by big bad hunters. Still, petting the little mangy critters was a good time and worth the few bucks it set me back.
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kelly
non-member comment
as always you crack me up. did you really have to go to couseling when you were younger due to trama from being attacked by a turkey!?!? i am glad you are having such a great time but hurry back starbucks isn't the same!