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Philippines, you're doing it wrong. Your food is feral and your toilets do nothing to alleviate the pain that the food causes. For many first time and uninitiated Asian travelers it is the image of the infamous Asian squat toilets that bring on a case of the heebie-jeebies. Let me assure you, it can get a lot worse than the squat pan. The Philippines has had a long social, political and military association with the United States. Good Ol' Uncle Sam imparted a love of basketball, corrupt politicians and most tellingly (in the opinion of both myself and my rear), western-style toilets.
Western toilets are a bad thing? In theory, a country in Asia which uses western cisterns is a wondrous thing. A touch of home in a foreign land, right? Wrong!. The toilets here are jockey-sized editions which contort most westerners into an awkward squat despite the imagined merits of their design. 98.75% aren't connected to mains water and require an old fashioned bucket flush (not a problem, but it illustrates the bigger issue), and most importantly, they have no seat. No seat? WTF? I have to go about my business where guys piss? And its not as though
Port Barton
Chilled seclusion. the toilets are produced without a seat, they are removed upon installation. Now I understand women's Sex In The City-esque grumblings about leaving the seat up! And one more for the guys. Fellas, the bowls are so small that genital origami is required to ensure that cold, wet porcelain isn't touched. Hope that wasn't too much info... Philippines, your toilets suck.
I've had a run of bad luck recently: my iPod was stolen on a bus (goodbye sanity), my favourite longyi was left drying on a fence, and to ice the cake properly my debit and visa cards were lost at the airport. I now find myself on an island renowned for malaria and bad transport and having only one ATM, without access to money. Fam is now officially my sugar mamma. On the upside El Nido is a location that inspires gibberish when trying to describe its charms. Sure, the food is still dodge, but the scenery is tongue twistingly good. We spent today on a small boat "island hopping". The area is like Halong Bay in Vietnam - huge islands and offshore karst stacks. All seem to harbour a beach that rivals Whitehaven in the Witsundays, and
Sunrise
Makes the alarm worthwhile! many have secret lagoons where schools of baby fish chill out. The photos will explain. Enough jibber-jabber, I witnessed two cuttlefish getting jiggy wit' it. XXX snorkeling? Philippines delivers.
Getting here was a task though. We were staying in the isolated and very sleepy town of Port Barton prior to getting here. P.B. is 4 hours away from the capital, 2.5 of which are over sludge tracks that would make any 4WD enthusiast slobber in delight. Someone told us that there was a direct jeepney going to El Nido at 6am. In the past the transport directions offered by well-meaning locals has been shit at best. 5 people point us in 5 different directions. The alarm bells should have tinkled, but they didn't. Damn. We dragged ourselves to the jeep at 5:55 to find it asleep in a shed. Apparently it leaves at 7:30. Thanks Angie of
Judy's Place Cottage and Restaurant! At 7:30 we started our mudlark drive to the town of Roxas (Ro-has) for a connecting bus.
We arrived to find the seats full and the aisles jammed with plastic seats. Experience has taught me that sitting on plastic stools in the aisle of crappy buses
Wet 'roads'
Port Barton - Roxas. is a bad idea. We promptly clambered to the roof and made ourselves marginally uncomfortable on the various bags. We were sharing the roof with 4 spare tires that were balder than my scone, 1 bus guy and 1 annoyed piglet stuffed into a sack. Poor thing spent 6 hours being tenderised. The first hour was fine: sun was shining, road was flat and the roof spacious. Then we hit mud. 6 more hours were spent traversing 1-2m deep slush while torrential rain kept us huddle forlornly under a tarp that smelled of pigs. Add to this 8 blokes who rushed up the sides of the bus when we passed their dead vehicle. In short, it sucked. Anyway, El Nido is a stunning place visually yada yada yada, which makes my future chronic back pain worth it.
I mentioned the accessible nature of Filipino beer. The local brain melt liquor is even cheaper and easier. Any student going through a rough patch financially has weighed up the old cost vs. effectiveness equation. For the teetotalers around here, it’s the cheapest way to get loaded. Tanduay Rhum, take a bow. At 35 pesos for 355ml it is dangerously cheap and
1st tow
Government resources being put to good use. dangerously potent. We celebrated my birthday a while back with a bbq barracuda and a small bottle of rhum. That was fine - good food, we hit a few bars and found ourselves at the local videoke machine. Videoke is a self-conscious person's worst nightmare. It is an arcade machine that plays classic karaoke to improvised soundtracks in very public places. This one happened to be located outside of the only general store in a one street town. It was all going smoothly until some local guys turned up to celebrate a mate's birthday. Unfortunately I let slip that it was my birthday and immediately we were ushered into the drinking game from hell. They bought a bottle of brain melt and a bottle of coke, conjured a jug from somewhere and proceeded to mix the rhum and coke at the generous ratio of 1:1. The game goes as follows: drink whatever is given to you quickly because there are 7 gun-toting Filipinos waiting impatiently for their turn with the solitary glass. That glass sped in and out of my hand too quickly and before long I was dribbling about how Freddy Mercury was the greatest front man ever whilst
slurring the lyrics to an improvised version of
Hit Me Baby One More Time. I recall being propositioned by a male prostitute, flashes of nudity at a beach then nothing. I awoke to find a bucket under my head and a suspicious taste in my mouth (nothing to do with the male pro, just thought I'd make that clear!). A photo was shown that explained all. Currently under tight control, the photo shows me huddled naked under a running tap, crying feebly after 2 hours of self-induced stomach pumping. A similar incident occurred last year which left incapacitated for mothers' day. From now on my birthday drinks will be conducted in a church with members of whatever pro-virginity and anti-alcohol youth group is popular at the time. It should ensure a good wholesome time!
Oh, I'm sorry to burst the bubble of all the fans of Thailand's Phi Phi Lay (?) National Park. While one scene of
The Beach was filmed there, the beaches and islands that inspired Alex Garland's novel were found in the archipelagos around and north of El Nido. Thailand has since drawn all of the heat away from here, leaving a
comparatively unspoiled selection of
Nemesis
What we battled on bald tyres. marine park. This is the real thing!
Enjoy the photos!
x temps
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Marc
non-member comment
The real thing
that place truly is! And I feel for you about those toilet seats! HA!