Why I hate Heathrow

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Aah, it's a time-honoured topic for those of you who have already had the misfortune of visiting this monolith of doom, and no doubt many people have done a hit-job on this airport much better than I'm about to, but here's to a good rave: I hate Heathrow. In no particular order, the traffic to get there is always horrible unless you're picking someone up at 5 am, when the lack of vehicles is mitigated by the shocking hour. I've driven there twice in the last two days, and it has sapped me of the will to live.
The entrance to get there is criminally designed to make people disoriented and angry, not necessarily in that order: there are 5 terminals, all reached in the most haphazard manner possible. Our particular tormentor was terminal 3, an odious lump reached only by snaking around a bunch of obstructively positioned buildings through snarling traffic, a feat which can only be achieved by changing lanes about 12 times if you're lucky. This is a recipe for the kind of overweening resentment one feels at people who scoot down the free lane and then try to get in. It's an invitation to homicide.
Once you arrive at the exorbitantly priced parking, you queue to get through and then wait an eternity for a lift that seems to stay on the third floor forever, only to arrive via a subterranean labyrinth outside a terminal where smokers attack with their fumes and stench.
Queue again, this time at the check-in while loud tourists bang into you with their 3rd bag stuffed with crap from the Gap. All non-passengers are asked to then go to the 1st floor to see the travellers before they go through the gate. Here's the thing: the check-in queues are labelled A to F. However, when you go to the first floor to farewell the passengers, there is no indication of which stairwell they will come up (labelling these too would seem the obvious thing, but no, that might make it easier!), leaving you with no alternative but to despairingly shuttle from one stairwell to the other, hoping that you don't get run over by similarly distressed relatives looking for little Jimmy or Indira. The departure gate itself is a narrow, airless area lacking totally in natural light - hardly fitting for farewelling people you quite like.
Having tearfully said goodbye then gasped for air outside as the smokers rally for a second attack on your lungs, you rejoin your car and then realise that there is only one carpark payment machine, you've missed it and it's surrounded by elderly Thai gentlemen who think it's a payphone.
Having negotiated this trip, engage in a quick and desperate run up the stairs (you've given up on the lifts by now) and drive at full throttle for 30 yards until you hit the back of a queue that stretches all the way down the parking building and is full of beeping idiots. Awesome. Make way down building, scream quietly into your steering wheel and you're away. The M4 beckons (who would have thought that would ever make it to print?) and you're away, if you're lucky.
Aaah, that feels better. I may have exaggerated this somewhat, but I don't care, Heathrow deserves it. What an awful place - as if the stress of international flying needed compounding with thoughtless design and cramped spaces.
Apart from that we're great - seen lots of friends, mostly kiwis who've been here for a holiday, and I had an interview which seems to have gone well. For a company called (cue dramatic music) Startrac. Gym equipment. Splendid.
Love to all (except Heathrow designers and management)
Chris

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Photos

Outside the Thai restaurant
Mum, Dad and me.

Inside the Thai restaurant
This was my birthday dinner, as my folks were fiendishly leaving a day before my birthday. Where's the love?

The love is in the food
It was awesome: very tasty and not too heavy. Definitely be going back... if you ever need a good Thai recommendation in Windsor let me know. It's right next to the castle...

Comments

[Peffle]

Aha
Good to see that your rambling comedic power is alive and well - what a splendid rant! Called to mind Dave Barry. Startrac! Fabulous.

[Hannah]

Ever thought of catching the tube ;) HI!!!!!