Slamming doors

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Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing. Ok, make that most of the time. But that begs the question, does anyone know what the hell is going on? Every day we make little decisions or end up in seemingly meaningless situations that impact on our entire lives.

For instance, my Nan told me about a friend she has who was sitting in an airport, waiting for a plane and she was knitting. She accidently dropped her ball of wool and it rolled across the departure lounge to this man who kindly returned it to her. They are now married.

And there are other decisions that you make, big, huge, fat decisions that you agonise over. That you turn over in your mind for years after you have made them. That haunt you because you have an inability to let go of things (ok, again, maybe that is just me). But suddenly, despite your agonising, something else changes, someone else does something that takes that decision away from you, the situation out of your hands, and no matter what, your life has changed forever. A door has slammed shut and you still have no freaking idea what on earth this means.

Leaving my friends, family, my home and my second (1st) home, work, to come to the other side of the world is one of those risks that strange people like me make, not knowing what any of this will bring and hoping like hell that something will be left at home for them when they get back. I know that everything and nothing will have changed. There are already more people to meet and play with when I get home. I have had some of the best, heart warming and reassuring, 'belonging' conversations with my Mum since I have been away which makes me excited for when I finally get home. And my Gnome, well, she knows I am jumping out of my skin with excitement and joy.

But, because there is invariably a 'but', there are always costs in these decisions that we make and some doors that close because of them. And right now I am living in one of those. Alright, if I am honest, a lot of those.

But, because I am being liberal with the creative licence here and that means I get to start another sentence with that word...but, whatever has just shifted might make things easier for me to learn a little bit more, how to be me, how to be true to me, and how to live as me. And, I have a job interview today, so, at the very least, a little door has opened.

I just hope that the door that has just shut and the other door that will soon shut won't haunt me.

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Comments

[Mum]

Inner Strength
Hi Murph, Just remember that deep inside you have an inner strength that will guide you through not only the good times but also the hard times. You are being the most courageous and brave person I know who has taken the bull by the horns and is out there exploring the world and learning to grow even to an even more beautiful person than you already are. We all love and miss you and cant wait for your return. Enjoy your time away and know that we will all be here when you come back. Love you lots. Mum.

[Michaela]

I always leave comments, and this is sort of no exception... but... I'm going to leave my comments until you call this afternoon. I agree with 'mum' though... this is all about learning, growing... letting go and realising that doors might not slam shut... they just slide to a different centre to what you have now... thats all... Love you... speak soon. x Miss you

[Cat]

Love you
I got a bit emotional when I read this entry bella. I guess it made me realise how important you are to me and how much I miss you and all the small things....like coffee in Freo followed by strolling around window shopping, pork wednesday, cocktils at the Sail and Anchor and our randomchats. You are an amazing woman and as your Mum said you are very brave and beautiful. Just remember that everything happens for a reason and everything needs closure and that is sometimes out of your control. So now that one door has closed there is room for another one to open and if that doesn't happen soon enough open the window and feel the sunshine. Lots of love for you Cat xox