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Published: November 27th 2007
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Momma's Boy
Now if you're a baby elephant I don't mind...you're cute. But a real live 24-30 year old MAN?? Give me a break here. Ok…so when is it ok to stop being a momma's boy? Is there a certain age cut-off, a significant point in your life where you say
"Ok Mom…I'm (insert age here) now and I want to be my own person without you in my life all the time"
or how about
"Mom, I know that you love me dearly, but really…I can do my own laundry and cook my own food and hey can you just stop trying to fix me with with Elisheva, Vardit, Orr, or whoever else you seem to have grown attached to?"
See here's the reasoning behind this rant or actually, a look into what I have now come to realize happens all over Israel at any given moment. Now I know that Jewish mothers no matter what age, country or continent you're on, are all basically the same. They want you to be fed, dressed, have your laundry done and fix you up with so and so that their friend down on the corner by the grocery store or their rabbi or friends in their knitting circles know. You know its just a matter of "Jewish Geography" where they believe that no matter what that said girl/boy looks like, acts like or heaven forbid, smells like….just because you are both Jewish and of the same age, that you two should be married happily under the chuppah and shalom, have a great life!
Ok so I digress, back to the reason why after such a long hiatus
(Oh trust me, I have so many stories to tell) I have decided
Oh baby...
Girls in uniforms with guns...I can just hear the saliva dripping from their mouths now. to write this blog. There is this lovely (in a personality sort of way - really. He's a total sweetheart.) guy that works in my office. He's in his mid-thirties, overweight, lives in a gorgeous apartment by himself and yup you guessed it….a HUGE momma's boy. As in, when he forgets to do something he said he would do for me, he forgets to call because in his apology why, he says that he was on the phone with his mom. This great man also takes mom on annual trips to Europe and elsewhere as well as eat dinner with her almost every other day and for sure, every Shabbat. She helps him shop, they go grocery shopping together, she does his laundry for him and honestly….it's just sad.
Now I love my mother more than life itself and don't know what I'll do when she's gone (B''H - that will be
no time soon!) however, when I was 7 years old I was learning how to do my own laundry and by 9, I could cook my own meals. My mom was a single mom and she raised me to be independent, and it has carried over in
Waking up
Oh no. I woke up in his parent's house AGAIN. Just shoot me now...or give me breakfast. I'm cool with either one. my whole life, sometimes to much annoyance by boyfriends of mine. However, I am a separate entity to my mother, but not this man. Or rather….a lot of Israeli men I have come to meet in my life.
Here in Israel, it's quite a different way of thinking, nu? For the past 23 years of my life, everyone in America knows that when you graduate high school, you either go to college or get a full time job, both of which usually mean moving out of the house you grew up in and away from your parents. It's a right of passage and anyone still living at home with Mom and Dad after the age of 24 is looked upon as a loser, to say it in the nicest way possible. As in "what the hell is wrong with them?" and heaven forbid you're 27 and still live at home? Just forget about dating and wrap your genitals up in bubble wrap and put them away for storage, because it just won't happen. How sexy is that to say to your date "We have to be quiet so we don't wake up my parents?" What the hell?!?
Yet,
Good Morning!
"I just had sex with your son...want a cup of coffee?" in Israel this way of thinking is thrown completely out the window. Because here in Israel, when you turn 18, you don't head off to college and drink your tuition away while earning a degree by the age of 21 or 22. Oh no, my child. You are in the army now. Literally. Here, you are drafted and put into your proper army unit and will remain there for up to 3 years. Then and only then (I mean certain exceptions happen, but this is the usual standard way) you will enter university at age 21 or 22. Which means…that while you are in the army, you aren't getting paid much or at all, and you still live at home. Then, when you enter university, unless you live on campus, you also live at home. Or…say if you traveled all over the world (as most Israeli's do at least once) then you come home with no money and you guessed it…you still live at home.
So really, here in Eretz Y'Israel, by the age of 26 or even 27, it's considered
normal to still live at home with Mommy and Daddy.
So how the hell does my American brain handle this?
I'm slowly coming to terms
Israel
I love my country. Really I do. But I make fun of it a lot. It's ok...I talk crap about America too. It evens out. with this. It's quite awkward when you wake up after spending the night (sleeping or otherwise) in your chosen partner's bed and you come out of the room and bam! One of the parents is sitting there drinking coffee or having something to eat. That's not awkward AT ALL. Because all you can think in your head is "umm yeah, I just had sex with your son" but you suppress that thought and don't say it out loud to save embarrassment for everyone involved.
Oy.
So…I plod on and live with this uncomfortable situation and as I now have my own apartment, I can hopefully diffuse the situation much more easily. Thank god right?
Of course then again…without these things happening, I wouldn't have funny stories to tell. Hm. Maybe there's something to this.
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Lulu Taylor
non-member comment
Stop the Mama's Boys
Hi, Jesse - My name is Lulu Talyor and I'm the author of a new novel, called: Stop the Mama's Boys...my website www.stopthemamasboys.com will be aired in one week. I enjoyed your article..Yes, it is true that in various parts of the world, it is culturally acceptable, to live at home. In the United States, it is looked at differently, but what is interesting is that in the last ten years, more and more sons are remaining at home..... There is something to be said for independence...the struggle one faces paying their own bills, managing their own life..I have known many people, (having lived in Europe) Europeans, who have remained at home until they marry,...and I think I can safely say that it does affect their 'progression' into adulthood. (not all, but some) It's a very complex topic for sure and I could speak for hours on it..because the mother/son bond is very fragile and impacting on his evolution. It boils down to this: Define the line. Boundaries must be defined. Anyways, if you get a chance, please check out my website..it will be up in one week and will be interactive. I want to hear the voices of all cultures regarding this dilema. Thank you for your time. Lulu