Its my dental decay...and I´ll cry if I want to.


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May 20th 2011
Published: May 20th 2011
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I believe in Karma. I think if you do something horrendous, Karma will find you and she will kick you in the face. Hard. You cannot escape the sweet justice of Karma. She keeps the world in balance. Just like if you do something good, you will be rewarded. However, lets face it, us humans dont often stretch ourselves to do something nice. Therefore we only have real experience with the hand of retribution. Which brings me to my week. Here I will take a short pause to ponder....what the fuck did I do to deserve this week? Karma got beef with me. So let me begin....
Firstly....Barclays bank can go fuck itself. Ok, I forgot my pin number. But I forgot my pin number because some cunt of a person stole my bag before I left England. Hence all my pins were changed. So I am in Peru (remember this statement for later) and yes I have forgotten my pin number. I tried it 3 times....my lovely sister searched through all my crap at home and found the right number. However by this time, Barclays had blocked my card. Understandable. I am not angry at this point. I understand there are security procedures and Barclays are acting in my favour. See...I am not a mental person. Yet. So I ring Barclays. First hurdle. Security questions....I am doing fine until she asks me what my balance is. I say I dont have a clue. Im travelling and havent seen a statement for 2 months. This translated as ¨I am a fraudster¨.
¨Ï am sorry Miss Gilbey but I am unable to help you on this occasion because you have failed to answer the security questions correctly¨
"Yeah. Get me your manager. Now"
¨Hello Miss Gilbey. I understand you having problems. As my colleague explained we are unable-¨
¨Yeah going to stop you right there...Im in Peru...I havent got a clue what my balance is..I know I got paid about 2 months ago...If I was at home with a statement I could tell you exactly what my balance is...but Im not...Understand?¨
¨Ok well I am going to ask you one more question if you dont get this right there is nothing I can do- what is your overdraft limit?¨
¨Oh for fucks sake (yes I actually said this.) I have no idea. I opened this account when I was a student. It was 500, but Barclays increased it without asking...so I have no idea¨
This went on for several minutes before she decided that I was in fact Lorna Gilbey. So we get talking about unblocking my card.
¨Yes I can unblock it but you need to go to a Barclays bank to verify. Ok?¨
¨Im in Peru¨
¨Oh¨
Yeah. Turns out youre fucked if you forget your pin abroad. Turns out Im going to have to get my money sent to me via Western Union. Once again courtesey of my lovely sister who I am sure wants to hurt me. So in short. Barclays. You suck. Also...good luck to my local branch when I return. I want blood.
So thats the first brainfuck of my week. Now during the week I had been experiencing pain in my tooth. I just ignored it at first...too much alcohol. The pain started getting worse and as I am my mother´s daughter, I decided to self diagnosis. Got me some antibiotics and some form of ketamine for the pain. All legit I may add. It got worse. To the point where I was taking...ketamine, paracetamol, co-codamol and aspirin during the night so that I could sleep. Well 2 nights ago was my limit. Friends of mine will know...I dont do no sleeping. I need at least 9 hours to be able to function. 2 hours sleep...and I say sleep..it was more of a hallucinogenic unconsciousness due to the amount of drugs in my system..is just not going to cut it. So Nathi accompanied me to the dentist. Now those of a nervous disposition, dont read on.
So we establish its an infection in the root of my crown. She needs to take off the crown and clean the tooth...inside the tooth. My first question...youre gonna numb me up? So one injection later I am ready to rumble...or not. Because the dentist uses, what only can be described as a hammer to literally shatter the crown. I mean she was fucking whacking my tooth with all of her Peruvian force. This would make anyone nervous. Let alone a gringa who at this point is alone and doesnt really speak the lingo when it comes to dentistry. So the tears start. So after 5 minutes of Handy Andy hitting the fuck out of my crown, the drill begins. This is all fine....I dont feel anything. However she is thorough, so after about an hour of her prodding my tooth, I start feeling it. I can feel her putting the metal needle inside my tooth, moving it around and then pulling out the infected root. Yep. Tears again. This time more severe. She doesnt really know what to do with me. She tells me to relax which only makes me cry more. It was a truly beautiful sight. So after nearly 2 hours she is finished. For now. I have 3 more sessions. Oh yes. The experience will live with me forever. So after I started talking to the Senoritas at the Casa. The think I paid too much. Quite frankly I would have paid her anything to make the pain stop....their suggestion was for 5 quid just get your tooth pulled out. Yeah. After I said no its fine. I want my tooth. Kinda like having teeth. They said to go to their dentist. She works from home. ITS NOT A FUCKING OFFICE JOB. How can you work from home if youre a dentist? Seriously. How does that work? Has she converted her downstairs living room into a surgery? Or does she just shepherd people through to the kitchen where she uses utensils to hand? Honest to God, there are times where I am so confused in this country! So yeah. That is basically my week. And all I have to say is, fuck you Karma. You bitch.



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