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Published: October 31st 2007
G'day Everyone!!!
Sorry it has been so very long since we last blogged, we're really sorry... This, however, in compensation, is a monster of a blog so you might want to break it down - MC Hammer style!
Anyway, firstly I'd like to give you 5 strange facts about Australia that are not very well known outside of the big land of Kangaroos!
#5. They eat lot's of Kangaroos...
#4. T.V is almost as bad as Yank T.V for shameless and cheesey advertising!
#3. They DO NOT have big beers over here; A man size beer is a half pint and it's called a Pot of beer. A pint is called a Scooner! WHAT!?
#2. Woolworths sell food and groceries!
#1. They freely swear on the radio, from Dusk til Dawn, anything from DJ's calling each other D**k head to S**t & F**k in very generous quantities! (I'll be honest, I was so shocked when I heard it - I felt like an old lady listening to teenagers!)
With those facts in mind, it should answer some questions that will not doubt arise from the stories that are about to unfold!
The Odd Squad As you know from the last blog, we left Sydney to come down to Melbourne to see some friends...... some peopl..... a collection of humans that we had met in Thailand. Now before I proceed, I must just stress that what follows isn't meant to be anything other than tactful observation, however, gathering such observations proved to be a painfully stressful experience....
For reasons of privacy I shall change the names of those people involved.
As we landed at Melbourne airport we walked out into the hall and were greeted with a smile by our friend "Cringey" a mild mannered man with his heart in the right place, though unfortunately his proverbial balls had clearly been severed and were currently being used by his - bulldog with a wasp in it's eye, licking shit off a stinging nettle, leather faced wife - "Growler".
So we left the airport which, even though is supposedly in Melbourne, still managed to take us 30 minutes to get to Melbourne... Cringey and Growler were very generous and had offered us to stay with them for FREE! GREAT!
We dropped our kit off at the brand spanking new house on the very very very outskirts of the outskirts of Melbourne and then leisurely made our way by car then train then underground on the wonderful
and not at all inconvenient and annoying 45 minute trip into the USEFUL part of Melbourne.
Once we were finally there, we were greeted by Growler in a good mood (that was the 12th of September, I remember) she we could go for a drink after work and until then we should explore the city...
It was all set for being a great decision! We had met some people who were "really nice" and were looking forward to our time in Melbourne.
Melbourne was still cold at this point, between 10°C and 18°C ish, not terribly cold, unless you happen to be living on the boundary of civilisation, in which case Siberian winds fly across the plains eating away any body heat you have... Luckily, coming from South East Asia I had my T-shirts, Shorts and Flip Flops to keep me warm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At this point Cringey showed us their new, state-of-the-art ducted heating, wow! It wasn't like the ducted heating in my house 10 years ago; this was special really good ducted 
Another Kangaroo gunned down in a drive-by...
Sad, but like Growler said "Let's go get a beer!"heating, the best around apparently. SO GOOD in fact, that it was obviously too good to use, which meant I had the worlds first human sized ice cube laying next to me each night shivering and stealing my body heat! The house was absolutely freezing, so much so that when they went to work we turned in on the thaw out in the morning - WELCOME TO SUNNY AUSTRALIA FOLKS!!!
Ah, that's better, some heat from this NASA ducted heating system!
And just when you thought it was safe to turn on the heating!
BAD MOVE WISE GUY!
Cringey:
Wow, it's like a sauna in here...
(with Lesley shivering in the corner)
Growler:
You know there's English people about! ha ha
(holding a broomstick with a black cat on her shoulder)
Cringey:
I'd better turn this off before we roast to death...
IN THIS "SCORCHING" 17°C HEAT!!!??? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE ON!!??!!
The Children I have no evidence to back this up but, I'm pretty sure these children hatched, like I said no evidence - just a hunch...
After coming back from a weekend of activities at Scout Camp there was only two other people left to make up the family; Satan's Spawn "Damien", 10 years old, and his little, 8 year old, sister the shrill, ear piercingly loud, human rape alarm, "Ow ow ow, my ears are about to bleed".
On returning from their Scout Camp they were filthy! But thats ok right? Kids are going to get muddy and grubby on trips away... When they get back you listen to a few stories then bung them in the bath before bed...
NO NO NO, HERE'S THE NEW WAY TO DEAL WITH THEM! Here's how You take them home, leave them to run around the house all night (with their coats, on because it's like the Outer Hebrides inside) then, when you decide it's time for bed, you tell them once and if they ignore you, it doesn't matter because you just close the conveniently positioned dividing door between the rest of the house and the kids rooms and crack open a bottle of "rouge plonk!" Now that's how to deal with kids... Baths? Discipline? You amatuers!
Possible Problems 1. Because they don't like cleaning their teeth, kids will sometimes play up and say they don't want to...
Answer: Don't worry about it, in fact better yet, forget anyone even said anything, just walk off and leave them to it. If they don't do it, it's their problem, right?
2.
Kids can sometimes argue in the car. Trivial things like, for example, a big brother conning his little sister into paying him $5 for 3 dollars worth of change...
Answer: Just tell the kids straight, don't hold back.
Kids stop fighting because you're really f**king p***ing me off now! And if you don't stop fighting you can get out here and catch the train home!
One night we were sitting round the table, the children were running riot as usual and we started to - as tactfully as possible - ask the question of the kids washing and brushing their teeth, out of curiosity more than anything else...
The response we got was quite strange to say the least. Here's how it went.
Lesley:
When do the kids have bath night then?
Cringey:
Ha, baths! They hate bathing!
Growler:
Yeah, it's such a problem with bathing the kids, they just hate it - I don't think they've even used the bath yet... Ha!
Me:
Are they that much of a problem!?! Wow! When do they wash then?
Growler:
Don't know... I can't even remember the last time Damien had a wash.
Cringey:
Ah, yeah... The kids stink! They stink like Pigs!
Right... Ok... That's, er... Well, that's cleared a few things up for us...
You get the idea... Throughout this strange experience we were baffled, amused, shocked but most of all, made to feel uncomfortable!
There really was just one teeth grinding moment after the other constantly...
With the water restrictions in Australia at the moment, it's an understandable concern to conserve water consumption... However, as filled up a bottle one night, the voice of doom came from the lounge;
Cringey: Water restrictions!
Luckily Lesley got there before me with
He's filling up a bottle for water to drink...
Cringey:
Oh, OK, it's just that here in Australia we've got water restrictions because of the drought, so we try to conserve water as much as possible... We use dish water on the lawn and try to minimise all the water we use... That's why we drink beer! Ha Ha!
THAT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE! I HEAR THAT SPEECH EVERY-BAS***D-DAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
It was the house of eternal annoyance and amazement! The closest you'll get to a human zoo!
And after arriving and basically having to sit through a lesson on how to use the internet, then being moaned at when we were on it, writing a blog didn't seem very appealing... So we hope you understand!
I'll let Lesley take you through our time out of the house, but needless to say we had to get out or face the future of being sectioned!
I hope you enjoy this Blog and it makes up for the lack of them so far... We'll post more soon during our impending adventure!
Take Care Everyone!
Andi
AN OVERVIEW OF OUR NEW CHALLENGES IN MELBOURNE
So we haven't wrote for awhile, Andi has given you an overview of our stay with the Odd Squad so I'll tell you about where we are right now in Melbourne.
We were pretty desperate to get out of the Odd Squad's nest, so we contacted a number we saw in St Kilda!
Our little home for a while. an ad for some apartments in a place called Saint Kilda, the guy came straight out and showed us around a studio flat. As we walked in a disgusting smell hit us.....
What's that horrible smell
the guy who owned the apartment said to the guy who was about to move out.......
Oh uhhhhh....the neighbours must be cooking fish or something, they often cook weird and wonderful food
Well unless the neighbours are constantly cooking rotten fish then I think someone has left their stinky knickers in the roof!!!!
We took the apartment along with the smell and moved in the following week, anything to get away from the nut house we were in and it was also cheaper than a hostel. The smell just didn't go away, we used shake'n'vac, the carpets were steam cleaned and right now the cupboards are being investigated for dead animals, or maybe even a dead body...........only kidding just dead animals we haven't had enough of each other just yet!
St Kilda is a lively place full of bars and restaurants and a very diverse range of people. A bit like Camden but not as dirty and it has a beach right nearby, we just have to walk about 2 mins and we're on the beach!!!!
So once we had settled in the apartment
we thought it was time to get off our lazy bums and start earning some money as ours was running out pretty quick, its very expensive here and unless we sold our bodies...which you can do in this area!!!.....then we would have to work.
We joined an agency and the next day we were offered telephone work, a customer service role, so no sales calls and at 20 dollars an hour we snapped it up. The office was really smart with brand new computers and headsets and free chocolate....oh no it wasn't free...never mind...oooops! all we had to do was become the help line for people worried about their shares (a company was just about to be taking over another and so shares would be affected) EASY PEASY the only problem was that no one doing the job knew anything about shares, or the takeover, just like call centres in the UK then....ah!! And now we were one of those people at the end of the phone. Well I will let you into a little secret, we had a script to work from and would have to try and match their question with one we already had in the
script. The script had been written by a lawyer and we were not to deviate!!!! That would've been fine if it was understandable, but it wasn't and it was so ridiculously written that we decided to put our own twist on it once we knew a bit more about the situation...ooops! Well we didn't stay there long enough to get caught as after a week of being messed around we decided to leave as we needed something more permanent, and when you have some spastic telling you that they may not need you tomorrow or to go home at lunch time and maybe come back tomorrow if there is work as there are not enough calls coming in, it can get really frustrating, so we left!!
As we went to hand back our passes Andi dropped in his CV to Honda and just as we were walking down the road they phoned him.....(yep, we have a phone!!)we couldn't believe that it was so quick!!! Andi went in for a chat/interview whilst I waited in a cafe and stuffed my face with cake!!!!!! He got the job!!!!!! Great stuff, he was to start in 2 weeks which was a bit of
Just A Few Tips On How To Hang Someone
This may come in handy in our little Camper-van! a bummer but it was a good job and he was chuffed!!! So then it was just me that had to get work, I found out that my Pharmacy qualifications are not recognised over here even though our course is far more intense than theirs.......really annoying! So therefore I was basically trade-less and started handing my CV to coffee shops and retail shops with not much luck.
In between looking for jobs we have explored Melbourne, its a cool city with a great transport system, there are heaps of trams so that makes it easy to get to most places. We went to visit the Old Melbourne Jail where Ned Kelly had been held, that was quite interesting as we got to go around the cells and managed to earwig on a tour group and found out about how the inmates were treated. I tried my best to leave Andi in the cell but he escaped and not only found me but also decided to try on Ned Kelly's armour from the display!.......check out the photo, yes, that is Andi!
Melbourne is quite built up with a huge market, lots of shops and heaps of coffee and cake
Again, where are the Playstations Gaolers?
In fairness, it almost looks as good as my room in camp before I left... shops. Its got quite a vibe to it and is very multicultural like London. St Kilda as I said before is right near the beach which was ideal for us, its not so much for shopping but is full of amazing cake and coffee shops! It has a long pier and small penguins live at the end of it and we got to see one the first time we walked up there, there are also loads of parrots here and they are so loud.....see the photos!
A few of Andi's friends from school are here in Melbourne so we met up with them and have had a few cheap nights in the hostel bar, we have also had
A sausage on the Barbie!
we cant afford shrimp right now! The beaches have BBQ's on them and they are free!!!! So we have had a few days on the beach with his mates, although its not really been hot enough yet, but it is getting there slowly. Don't get me wrong it is nowhere near as cold as the UK....hehehehe hahahahaha!
One of Andi's friends had some temporary work labouring, he was helping a guy rip out an old Pizza Hut and asked
Andi if he needed some work for a day. Luckily that day turned into 5 days and he worked long hours and was knackered by the end, (he was even growing muscles!!) the money was quite good, well it was enough to pay for the rent and some steel toe capped boats he would need for Honda and maybe a bit of shopping but that was it. We were getting pretty downhearted now as I was out job hunting everyday but just with no luck.
The only thing that wasn't going well for us was money, the place was good but with it being soooo expensive we are having to budget for everything and it can get really disheartening when you walk past the bars and restaurants and wonder what the food is like..ahhhh the life of a poor traveller!! Dont worry we don't expect sympathy its still better than working 9-5 and having to scape the ice off the car in the mornings!!!!
Well finally I got an interview for the local sports centre, a huge place with 2 Olympic pools and a gym you get the kinda place. I was meant to go on Monday the same
Melbourne Gaol.
Just like home! day Andi was due to start work, (we had been a bit low the few previous days and were pretty sick of having no money and have been very close to coming home) Well he left and then 10 mins later he walked back through the door and said he really didn't want work there as the pay was so painfully low. Honda had been asking Andi how they could go about sponsoring him to stay, which wasn't really what we wanted as we didn't want to commit to anything.
Even if we had got the jobs we still would only just have enough money to live on and wouldn't be able to save or enjoy St Kilda at all, we may have been happy in the same situation in the UK but that really wasn't what we wanted here. So that forced us to make a decision which we had kinda been pondering on for a while. We thought about coming home...............that thought soon went as I really want to do the Gold Coast so we decided that we would rent a camper-van and drive up the coast.
We went to look at a place with camper-vans and
The yard at the Old Melbourne Gaol...
The Grounds Keeper will have some explaining to do when Real Madrid turn up! they were really old and battered and just looked really skanky and for 50 dollars/23 pounds a day they could poke it. We phoned around and eventually found a company with new vans...
so they say, but it is quite far from here and isn't really practical for us to go and check it out. We just took a chance and went for it and booked it, its a bit of a gamble but hopefully it will pay off! We pick it up on Friday and travel up to Cairns, we have a month to turn ourselves into beach bum surfer dudes, I'm sure it won't be too hard!!!! we may just about manage!
Can you believe it, now we have decided to leave Melbourne we have had people offering us jobs....typical! but we have made our decision now and are going to stick to it but we do have a little scam up our sleeve and if it works we will let you in on it next time!
Lesley
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lorna
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hello
Hello to you both,it's great to read your travelblog,and see some of your photo's,Dad will print it off so I can show Kelly Hannah and friends.Great photos ,lovely to show your children when they get older.Oh no,you have not got any yet.Went to southend last night with Hannah mark and paris,to see the fire works,its was a good night,the weather was very mild, Paris had a good time.Dads been at work today sunday,so we have not done much,only eat a nice roast dinner,lamb,crispy roast potatoes,parship,and veg Yum Yum.Having a restful evening now,will e-mail again soon, hope the camper van is all that you expect.take care love and hugs from mum and dad xxxxx