The Utopia of Oz

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The French had notorious Devil's Island off the coast of French Guiana, a disease-infested tropical penal colony, where they sent their worst criminals and basically anyone opposing the king too vocally. Hardly a single convict sentenced there came back, at least alive. Still more humane than guillotine, I suppose. But the Brits, giving the French a bloody nose in pretty much everything except in gastronomy, took the concept onto an entire new level and went large,more precisely extra-super-large, even more to the point, full frontal bloated obese-large, and had an entire continent set up as a penitentiary. At the outset, the continent seemed almost to be designed for this purpose - vast void of inimical land, that happens to be the driest, flattest, most infertile and climatically aggressive of all inhabited continents. What's more, it has more things that can kill you than anywhere else, from tiny spiders to great white sharks. The Brits somehow got it wrong though, as hardly any convict sentenced down under ever wanted to return to the old continent as they learned to love their new country despite its numerous hazards.

While still planning our travel itinerary, we were made an offer we couldn't refuse, sans a horse's head, if we would like to have a house with a swimming pool and a car in Sydney over Christmas and New Year. Not to mention, a fridge stocked with beer. Unlike Faust, we didn't even have to sell our souls for the deal, all that was required was to keep company to a lonesome cleaning robot of the swimming pool. That's an offer you don't walk away from and we gladly accepted the invitation. Neither of us has ever been to Australia before, this would be a completely new continent to get acquainted with.

As anyone who's travelled around, knows that when you are handed an immigration questionnaire, you are to answer all the questions with a definite NO. Have you been a member of any terrorist organization? Are you involved in organized crime? Have you read Das Kapital? For some mystical reason, we answer truthfully the very last question in the Australian immigration form, ticking the Yes box, for the question of whether we have been in wilderness within last 30 days. Given the uniqueness of Australian environment with 80 per cent of all that lives in Austalia, plant and animal, exists nowhere else, any foreign organism poses a potential threat to it, as the indigenous fauna and flora do not have defence mechanisms provided by the evolution against the external aggressors. Hence Australia has draconian quarantine laws and for all we know, we might be unawarely carrying seeds of destruction stuck to our clothes during jungle adventure in Chitwan. While queueing up at the immigration control, I have plenty of time to think of an unpleasant scenario involving me being taken aside and given a closer scrutiny of my cavities. But when our turn comes up, instead of dreaded rubber gloves, a very relaxed looking official gives us a friendly smile and asks: G'day mate, waddayareckon your shoes are clean? That's all the hassle we are put through before being allowed to enter the lucky country, as the locals affectionately call their country. We soon learn that the people here are approachable, easygoing and on a more or less semipermanent holiday mood. Given that only award I was ever granted as a post-grad student, was the most laid-back student of the year award, I immediately feel at home here. This is a beginning of an enduring love affair.

The local lingo reflects the same unfailing laid-backness. The most common sentence you hear is either no worries mate or no drama mate. Also the local slang is charming. Just to give you a flavour: What pressies did ya get for chrissie meaning what presents did you get for Christmas. Another one that especially my dear wife often hears: could ya darling pass me a coldie from the esky - could you please pass me a beer from the portable cooler. And like fair dinkum Ozzies, most arvos we have a barbie. Not exactly the Queen's English, but very likable nonetheless. Given that many of the convicts were from London, it comes as no surprise that Aussie English has been enriched by rhyming Cockney slang. For example, having a Captain Cook means having a look, brilliant stuff. Also the local phrases are colourful and witty, my favorite one being happy as a bastard on Father's day.

One of the most fascinating places we visit is Sydney fish market, the largest fish market in the Southern hemisphere, where staggering 50 tons of fresh seafood is sold every day. There are countless species of crustaceans, fish and many other things at display, many that we have never seen before. The sensory overload is too much to bear and we succumb into a feeding frenzy. The next hour is not a pretty sight, as we wolf down piles of succulent oysters, scallops, calamari, octopus, lobster, shrimps and some deep fried shark while excess juice is dripping down our chins. This feasting has nothing to do with elegance but is tantalisingly delicious. The primeval needs satisfied, we continue to explore the glorious city of Sydney and pay a visit to the Australian museum, where we enjoy a contemporary exhibition of aboriginal art. A really impressive and thought-provoking show. On the contrary to the popular belief, we do not spend all our days by the swimming pool getting gently sozzled, although that activity does have certain attraction as well. We visit all the mandatory spots like the Opera house, Darling Harbour, Circular Quay and Royal Botanic Garden and the more we discover, the more we fall in love with Sydney. It has great architecture, amazing beaches, a multitude of brilliant restaurants, a friendly international crowd, thriving culture and culinary scenes and the most importantly that laid-back mentality that many big cities are lacking. There's no fuss, no hassle, no stress, hence no drama mate.

We spend the Christmas eve on Manly beach among hundreds of surfers and sunbathers. We spot some people playing beach volleyball wearing red white santa hats. This feels like a proper chrissie and unlike most of Europe, we are enjoying a white Christmas with whitecaps providing a beautiful scenery. Another legendary beach we stroll around is Bondi beach, the ultimate altar of hedonism, where the Sydney's bold and beautiful worship the sun and the waves. Every day I appreciate more and more the old adage that life's a beach and then you dive.

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